Lazy Partners?

My partner and I have a two month old little girl, and he never does anything with her unless I ask him to, constantly saying "oh if you want me to do something, let me know" instead of being a proactive parent and actually spending time with his daugher. He does her nappy change but that's it. He doesn't cuddle her, doesn't do tummy time, can't feed her because it's too "awkward". I have to literally do everything with her, I wish I had two of me so I can take a break. He just sits at his computer and plays his game, every day. Occasionally doing house chores and sighing likes its the end of the world while doing it.
It's frustrating, I'm exhausted and I'm angry.

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Have you told him this?

@Carys I feel too anxious to even bring it up and I don't know why ...

Mine is the same way. I had to go back to the ER cause of headaches and he promised he would help without me asking but now he just ignores me completely

I would try being extremely clear with what you need from him. I was/am in a similar boat, my partner has to be asked to do anything with the baby although he does pull his weight in terms of housework. But he has much more time to chill, and he gets to sleep whereas I am always on the clock. I had expressed what I needed before but it wasn’t until I really laid it out that he started to get it. I wouldn’t say I threatened to leave but I went as far as saying I’d been considering what things would look like if we split and co-parented. At least on his days he would have to look after baby and I would get a breather. And I really meant it. It’s early days but things have improved so I’m hopeful! Maybe try leaving him alone with baby every once in a while so he will get used to it and really learn what needs doing. It’s hard!

@Michelle I'm worried if I do that, he won't be able to feed her and I'll have to come home to do it. I'm supposed to start work again in June and I really don't see it happening if he can't do the basic things like cuddling and feeding his own daughter..

We barely talk as is. He doesn't even ask if I'm okay or just general conversational questions

What do you mean he can’t do it? He won’t? Or doesn’t know how?

I’ve had this exact problem with my baby daddy/my ex and it’s just got us nowhere. I told him exactly what I want from him in regard to our daughter and he did it for a few days and then it’s like he lost interest. He can’t comfort her, he doesn’t put nappy cream on her when he changes her so she’s currently sore and I’m the one having to deal with it, he doesn’t sit on the floor and play with her. All he does when he visits is sit on his phone and vape constantly and it drives me up the wall.

@Michelle He can't. He struggles to get comfortable holding her because of his large frame. He's 6'4 and a solid guy and just comfortably can sit in our recliners

lol what? My husband is 6ft 4 and had never used this as an excuse because it isn't one

@Carys I just genuinely don't know how to approach it.. he told me when we first got together he wanted nothing more than a little girl before he was 30. I delivered and now I'm the live in nanny, or feel like one at least.

Hi Beth, I can understand how that is a difficult conversation. Do you think he would respond well to being needed? So rather than saying you are not doing xyz, instead say, I am finding these things difficult and I need you to help me… I tend to find I get a better response when my partner feels like he is wanted. Sometimes I think he believes that I have it all under control and he is not required. X

I agree with Sarah! You have to get over your fear of approaching tough conversations with your partner and remember keep the conversation positive when doing so.

I went through this and thought my partner was “lazy” also. After several conversations we got to the root of the problem and it turns out he was feeling that early on I criticized everything he did with the baby so he eventually lost confidence in his ability.

So we hit the restart button and now if he’s not holding the baby the way I would, or changing the diaper the way I would I keep my mouth shut 😂 and I always make sure to tell him what a great job he’s doing or remind him how lucky me and my son are to have him no matter how big or small the task.

A lot of this stuff comes naturally to us and it just doesn’t for a lot of men and I think sometimes they just need a little more time. that’s my opinion 🤷‍♀️ I know not everyone agrees but w/e haha

My husband is the exact same way. Unless I ask him to do something, he won’t do it. Not even diaper changes. I’m up the whole night with the baby while he sleeps. It’s so hard. I do all the housework and I exclusively breastfeed so I’m always with our baby and nursing him. It’s so much and I’m exhausted. I feel like a single mom with a husband

Update:
He asked me this morning if I was okay, he noticed I was off last night and immediately said "I'm sorry for whatever I did" and gave me a huge hug. I said that I need him to do more, to be a dad and actually cuddle Milly. He apologised and said he'll endeavour to be better and help more when he sees I need it.

@Emma You poor thing :( I'm lucky that I don't breastfeed, I think I'd be up on a murder charge if I were from lack of energy and patience ..

@Lydia I actually really love that perspective. I didn't even stop to think from that view and I appreciate you for helping me see it from a different point.

in our community

Is this clever or cruel?

My husband and i were talking and with social media and the internet in general being a terrifying dumpster fire, we are trying to figure out the best way to keep our son safe while still teaching him how to safely be online and moderation.

We landed on the idea of giving him the 90's kid treatment. A computer in the living room for us to keep an eye on what hes doing online, and once we feel hes mature enough to hang with friends without adult supervision he gets a flip phone. When we feel he is responsible enough and he earns and saves up the money for the physical phone, case, and screen cover, then we will be happy to take him to get a smart phone.

I thought this was air tight, but now my brother says its cruel to give a kid a flip phone, and besides he can just use his friends phones at school.

My husband and i remember a time before the internet, and we remember having complete access to something no one understood yet. We saw unspeakable things and are always battling with the urge to put the phone and social media down. I dont want that for my son, especially with his brain so vulnerable still.

If your partners parent passes away

And you and that parent didn't get along are you still go to the funeral?

Not my situation!

Partner no longer wants baby #2

Before our son was born we originally both wanted minimum 2 kids but we were hoping for 3-4. My partner found the birth traumatic to watch and also struggled a lot with the newborn/baby stage. He no longer wants to have any more children and it’s completely breaking my heart. I need another baby. We’ve spoken about it a lot and the options. He said he wasn’t COMPLETELY closed off to it so I asked him to try and work through his feelings and reconsider his decision. He eventually said he definitely doesn’t want another. I know that I will always want one and my feelings will never change. Do we have to break up or does anyone know anything else I can do to help change his mind? Has anyone else’s partner said this and then changed their mind? I don’t want to break up because I adore him and our life together and I’d hate to split up our family for “selfish” reasons and make my son miss out on having both of us together but I just don’t know what to do

Nursery funding

My child turned 9 months last week. I applied for government funded hours nearly 2 months ago and so well within the required timeframe for the April term, however upon receiving my first invoice without the funding applied and having questioned this, I have now been informed that the stretched funding doesn’t start until 4th May.

Has anyone else been told it won’t start until May?

The government site states it should start from April 1st, and so I intentionally set my nursery start and return to work as the start of April for that reason, knowing that I wouldn’t be able to afford the nursery on my sole income without the funding

Jealous of my husband

I’m so jealous of him and it’s making me resentful. We have a ten week old and I’m jealous that he is at work all day. I’m jealous he can leave for lunch and actually eat an uninterrupted lunch. Take a phone call uninterrupted. Chat with a friend he runs in to uninterrupted. Even go to the bathroom when he wants uninterrupted. He comes home from work when he wants. He’s not on a set schedule. Some days are late some are early. It depends on when he’s done. I’m jealous he can come home at 10pm and shower, eat and go right to bed uninterrupted because I already have the baby asleep. He doesn’t have to worry about anything house wise or baby wise because I’ve done it all. Meanwhile I’m covered in puke and crap and smell like rotten milk. When he is home he is VERY active and helpful. So it’s not that. I’m just jealous his world hasn’t changed and mine has I guess. This isn’t something he’s doing wrong so I’m not sure how to get past this. I wish I could keep him home all day because that’s how helpful he is, but I understand he obv needs to work.

Calpol

My mum has just given my 4 year old calpol because he asked for it. He isn’t poorly (although was last week, been fine this week) he just likes the taste of it. My mum didn’t check, didn’t ask, just gave it to him and when I’ve questioned her she said “he asked for it”. Then quizzed 4 year old who said he asked for it because it tastes nice.

How would you react?