While nobody likes to admit it, an unhappy marriage is pretty common in the modern day – in fact, up to half of all marriages in the United States end in divorce. This isn’t exactly the news married couples want to hear, but today’s lifestyles are a world away from our grandparents’ generation.
Today, we’re not as held together by things like tradition, or even ‘wartime romances’ keeping us together. We’re living longer, and we live in a social media world where the grass is always greener. But most importantly, we’re valuing our happiness more.
If you’ve woken up one day and decided, “I don’t love my husband anymore”, it’s not the end. It’s just time to make some choices.
In this article: 📝
- What do you do when you don’t love your husband anymore?
- How do you know when you’re not in love anymore?
- How do I know I don’t love my husband anymore?
- How do you know when your marriage is over?
What do you do when you don’t love your husband anymore?
Like the human survival instinct, you have two choices if you decide you don’t love your husband anymore. You can fight or flight.
If you think your marriage is worth saving, then you’ll fight for it – the two of you can discuss what’s going wrong and work together to solve the issues. But if you think that separating will be better for your mental health, your husband’s health, or indeed, the welfare of your children, then it may be time to walk away.
But before you make those decisions, you need to assess the strength of your marriage. Is it “I don’t love my husband” or is it “I don’t like my husband?” Are the issues small bugbears or signs of toxicity and abuse? Here are a few ways you can find out.
How do you know when you’re not in love anymore?
We all have different definitions of love. In fact, according to the Ancient Greeks, there are six main types of love:
- Eros – sexual passion
- Philia – deep friendship
- Ludus – playful love
- Agape – selfless love for all
- Pragma – longstanding love
- Philautia – love of the self.
While in a way, marriage can touch upon all these different types of love, many argue that there is a difference between being ‘in love’ and ‘loving’ someone. When we ‘love’ someone, we generally refer to Pragma and Philia – a deep, long-term commitment. We know we would go to the ends of the Earth for this person, which in practice, means taking turns picking up the kids from school.
But being ‘in love’ refers to Eros and Ludus. While we still know we would do anything for this person, our love may not ignite the same passion it once did. The sexual spark may no longer be there, or we may no longer ‘get butterflies.’
Certainly, the ‘honeymoon period’ does not last forever with couples, but the affection does. How many old couples have you seen still holding hands? They may not be having sex, but they are likely still in love. If the thought of your partner doesn’t make you smile, you may love them – but you may not be in love with them.
How do I know I don’t love my husband anymore?
Now for the serious stuff. Not sure what to do when you don’t love your husband anymore? First, you need to make sure that’s the case.
A classic sign of no longer loving your husband is a general feeling of resentment. The things you used to find to be a cute quirk may now annoy you, or you may feel as though everything they do drives you nuts.
Don’t feel bad if you feel this way. Many marriages can turn to resentment over different issues, for example, parenting styles, money, or life circumstances upsetting the balance. A bereavement in the family, for example, can be hugely challenging on a marriage.
Some signs that you no longer love your husband may include:
- Distancing yourself from him. You may be ‘with him’, but you could be in a world of your own, such as being engrossed in your cell phone.
- You have nothing to say anymore. A classic test is when you get good news – is your husband the first person you call? If you have nothing new to share, you may have lost interest in each other.
- Your relationship is becoming toxic. You may be picking at each other all day every day over the tiniest things, such as being late. If you have more bad things than good things to say about him, it could be time to say goodbye.
How do you know when your marriage is over?
If these signs of falling out of love weren’t enough, it may take one of the ‘relationship killers.’ The obvious answer here is an affair – if you’ve taken naughty thoughts to the physical, you may no longer really wish to be with this person.
Of course, many couples can have transgressions, such as ‘one night stands’ and move past it – but you have to want to move past it. The second biggest relationship killer, then, is not wanting to fix your relationship.
And last, if not worst, is an abusive relationship. If you’re feeling abused physically or mentally, then it’s time to get out. If it’s time to walk away, remember to:
- Plan. Speak to a loved one about living arrangements and sort out the logistics, including arrangements for the kids, before you make any decisions.
- Decide what you’re going to say to your partner, and pick a time to have the discussion.
- Be prepared for them to fight back. If you’re worried about abuse, have a friend waiting.
- Get your house in order, for example, sorting assets if you need to divorce.
- Consider a Plan B. Your relationship may be salvageable – so look into counselling if you’re still on the fence.