Having a baby with your partner is the start of a great adventure for the two of you. But before you begin trying to conceive (TTC), why not take some time to talk about the future and what life will be like as parents? If you’re looking for conversation inspiration, you could take a look at our 27 questions to ask before having a baby.
Yep, that’s 27 parenting questions for couples, to help you reflect on your hopes for building a family, what kind of parent you want to be, and how you’ll keep your relationship strong in the years ahead.
Of course, it’s not an exhaustive list of things to talk about before having a baby! If there are any other burning questions on your mind, it’s good to bring them out into the open. We hope you enjoy the conversation.
27 questions to ask before having a baby
How do you talk about wanting a baby? When you have the conversation, we suggest a calm, relaxed, private setting where you won’t be distracted. Somewhere you’ll be safe from unwanted (if well-meaning) opinions from other people.
Make sure you both have time to explain your perspective on each question, with the other person listening carefully. And then discuss any differences with patience and kindness toward each other. Talking about parenting decisions can bring up some powerful emotions – particularly if you’re reminded of painful experiences in your own childhood.
This conversation is an excellent opportunity to grow empathy and understanding between you. So give yourselves all the space you need.
Now, let’s dig into the questions:
What happens if we struggle to conceive as soon as we’d hoped?
Are you open to trying fertility treatments if they might help you have a biological child? Or would you rather take the adoption route?
Will we find out the sex of our baby before they’re born?
One of you might prefer to have a surprise at the birth, and the other might want to know every bit of info about the baby during the pregnancy, including their sex.
What first name will we give our child?
There are so many baby name choices out there, but you might disagree on whether you want your child to be named after your grandma or your favorite movie star.
What last name will we give our child?
If you have different last names, which one will your baby get? Or will it be both – or a completely new name?
How many kids does each of us want?
If one of you thinks a single child is perfect and the other wants a family of seven, it’s essential to be aware of this difference early on. Some negotiation may be needed…
What will we do if a pregnancy screening test shows our baby has a disability?
This is a tough one, so it’s especially crucial to discuss it. Would you ever consider terminating the pregnancy if the baby had a severe disability? What extra support would you need to care for the child if you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy?
If we have a baby boy, will we get him circumcised?
If your partner is male, he might have strong views on this. Chat about the pros and cons.
How will we share out parenting duties?
Will one of you do the feeds and the other the diaper changes? Will you take turns getting up at night? Think about how you’ll share the load.
How much help will we need/want as new parents?
Maybe you’d love your mother-in-law to move in for three months. Or perhaps you’d rather she just brought round a casserole now and then.
What kind of childcare will we use?
Will it be grandma’s daycare service or a full-time nanny? Or will one/both of you take time off work?
How will we factor a baby into our budget?
How much money can you set aside for baby stuff? And how will having a child impact your spending long-term?
Will the baby sleep in our bedroom?
Or in our bed? Is it important for one/both of you to keep your bedroom a couple-focused space?
How eco-friendly do we want to be as parents?
If one of you wants to go all out for cloth diapers and home-grown baby food, and the other prioritizes convenience, you might want to try and reach a compromise ahead of time.
How do you see our sex life changing once we’re parents?
What are your hopes and fears about sustaining intimacy in a new world of sleepless nights and breast pumps?
How will we make sure our relationship stays strong?
What will you do to nourish your relationship once it isn’t just the two of you?
What if there are problems in our relationship?
Would you be willing to try couples counseling, for example?
Who will be our child’s guardian if we die?
Not something any of us like to contemplate, but it’s crucial you make sure your child will be cared for if the worst happens.
Where will we bring up our family?
Do you want your child to experience the vibrancy of the big city, or would you prefer they grew up running around green fields?
How strict will you be as a parent?
Talk about how often you think kids should be allowed treats, such as candy or new toys. One person’s idea of spoiling can be another’s idea of loving care!
What methods of discipline do you think are acceptable?
Would you ever approve of physical punishment (such as spanking)? What about time-outs or grounding?
Will we bring up our child to follow a particular religion?
If you and your partner follow different faiths, will you choose to bring up your child in one of them? Or will you try for a balance of beliefs?
What are our core family values?
These might be religious values, or they might be ethical, political, environmental… What’s the most important message you want your child to learn from you while they’re growing up?
How will we shape our child’s relationship to technology?
When will they get their first tablet or smartphone? How will you teach them to navigate social media?
How will we respond if our child is LGBTQIA+?
How will you help support them through any challenges they may face while offering love and acceptance?
How important is academic achievement to you?
Do you think other, more practical skills are equally worthwhile?
Will you expect our child to help out with household chores?
Do you think it’s vital they learn a sense of responsibility early on?
What aspects of your own upbringing would you want to replicate/avoid as a parent?
This question can stir up some difficult emotions. Take your time over it and consider getting extra support or counseling if you need to work through things.
We hope these questions help inspire a conversation with your partner. And good luck on your TTC journey! Remember, you can always find support in the Peanut community.
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What To Do When You Find Out You’re Pregnant