Pregnancy

To the Woman Who Just Had a Miscarriage

Guest Post: Arden Cartrette7 months ago5 min read

Right now is a delicate time in your journey and you may be feeling all of the emotions as you process what has just happened to you.

But the first thing that you should keep in mind as you navigate through your recovery from pregnancy loss is that grief looks different on everyone.

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Some days will feel easier than others and months from now, you may wonder if it’s normal for it to still hurt so badly.

Grief is not linear and with miscarriage, you lose so much more than a baby.

So if you ever find yourself wondering if how you feel is normal, here’s your validation that it is your normal for what you’ve been through.

These are some other things I want you to know…

I want you to know it’s ok to not get out of bed

There may be a day, or two, or three, where you don’t feel like you can get out of bed and be an adult that’s responsible for anything other than taking a nap (and that’s ok).

Everyone handles loss and grief differently and the truth is, your experience will change day-to-day.

While you may spend some time laying down, sleeping, or separating yourself from others - there will come a point where you find yourself able to smile, even laugh, and that’s a normal reaction to loss as well.

I want you to know it’s ok to laugh or smile

I should warn you that the first time you find yourself laughing or smiling, you’ll feel a small pang of guilt, as if you aren’t worthy of happiness because you’ve lost your child, but I can assure you that your baby would want you to spend your days laughing instead of crying.

There will be days ahead filled with happiness, joyful occasions, and reasons to smile and you might have a moment where you think of what should be but that’s just our way of bringing the babies that we’ve lost into our current happiness.

Because even though they aren’t here, we wish they were a part of the good times, too.

I want you to know it’s ok to feel out of place

As the weeks pass from your loss, you may feel out of place at events or with loved ones.

I like to call this “the new you” because you really are a different person, a new version of yourself, and it’s almost like you have to get to know yourself all over again.

When the time comes where you are pregnant again, you’ll continue to feel out of place at events, doctors appointments, your own baby shower, and that’s still considered within the realm of normal because you have experienced a great loss and it’s a loss that cannot be replaced.

Pregnancy after loss will be a mixture of excitement and fear because you know what it feels like when things don’t go as you plan, and that’s scary.

As the weeks progress, the excitement level will rise while the fear fades.

You’ll quickly learn that the reason why your loss hurt so badly is that you are a mother, and part of being a mother is always worrying about your child, wanting them to be safe, wanting them to feel loved.

I want you to know that it’s ok to ask for support (and that support is out there)

The bereaved mother version of you knows love and loss, which affects every aspect of your life from here on out.

An important part of grief is knowing when to ask for support, where to find it, and how to accept it from others.

When you look for support, don’t be afraid to educate those around you on what you need.

Are you someone who likes it when others just listen and don’t speak?

Do you respond better to relatable stories?

Tell those around you what you need from them.

It will make your recovery and relationships so much easier to navigate as you move forward.

Not all support must be from professionals. Lean on those around you during a really difficult time.

And if you need the comfortability and trust of a professional, seek out counseling, a grief specialist, or someone like a bereavement doula who understands the depths of loss and the heaviness of grief and will hold your hand as you walk through life as you heal and recover from (but never forget) your loss.

I want you to know that grief will always be there but it won’t always be so heavy

The most important thing for you to know is that however you feel right now, doesn’t mean that it will feel this heavy months from now.

While you will always carry around your grief - it won’t always feel so raw and painful.

Ask others for support and don’t be afraid to seek out opportunities to connect with others who understand what you’re going through.

Lastly, I want you to know that you will be ok

Keep moving forward, even if you move slowly and lean on those around you along the way.

💡 You might like:
What to Say to a Friend Who Has Had a Miscarriage
What Does a Miscarriage Look Like?