Pregnancy

What to Say to Someone Who Had a Miscarriage

Team Peanut
Team Peanut6 months ago11 min read

There’s no easy way to know what to say to someone who had a miscarriage, but no matter how they’re grieving, they need your support.

What to Say to Someone Who Had a Miscarriage

One in four women lose their baby during pregnancy, birth, or soon after, but experiences of loss go way beyond a statistic. They can be a daily struggle for many.

“In the last six months, I’ve lost four babies to miscarriage. I’ve never felt grief or pain like it. No one can prepare you for pregnancy loss.” ‒ Holly, Peanut user.

Even though nothing can take away the deep emotional and physical pain of loss, you can still be a great source of comfort through what can be an incredibly isolating experience.

Let’s take a look at what to say to someone who had a miscarriage.

In this article: 📝

  • How to support someone who had a miscarriage
  • Acknowledge their loss
  • How do you comfort someone who has had a miscarriage?
  • Words of comfort for miscarriage
  • What to do for someone who had a miscarriage
  • What to say after miscarriage: Let them know they’re not alone

How to support someone who had a miscarriage

When someone’s in the midst of grief, they really want you to listen, tell them that you’re there for them, and that they can turn to you for support.

It may be that nothing you say will provide them with comfort ‒ and that’s okay.

So if you’re wondering what to do for someone who had a miscarriage, the best thing is to be there and listen, if they want to talk.

Make sure you allow your friend to talk about their loss openly ‒ give them your undivided attention and truly focus on their needs.

Acknowledge their loss

It seems simple, but some people worry so much about saying the wrong thing that they choose to say nothing at all.

If someone close to you has suffered a miscarriage, make sure they know you’re there.

Reach out, send a card, share words of comfort for miscarriage, and keep checking in to make sure they’re doing okay.

Even if that’s all you do, expressing your miscarriage condolences is impactful and validates their pain.

How do you comfort someone who has had a miscarriage?

If you’d like to write a letter to a friend who had a miscarriage or simply share a meaningful miscarriage sympathy message, here are some tips on what to say to someone who had a miscarriage.

  • Focus on comforting them by making sure they know you’re so sorry for their loss.
  • Acknowledge their feelings without saying you know how they feel ‒ even if you’ve been through a similar experience, everyone’s feelings are unique.
  • Some words can be triggering, so ask your friend if there’s anything they’d like to you avoid talking about.
  • If your friend is talking to you about it, try not to take over the conversation ‒ let them talk.

Words of comfort for miscarriage

If you’re stuck for words of comfort for miscarriage, here are a few suggestions from our community on Peanut:

  • “I’m so sorry for your loss.” It sounds cliche, but acknowledging their loss can be reassuring for them.
  • “Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.” Listing some ways you can help is also useful here, because they may not be thinking as clearly as usual.
  • “I’m here if you want to talk about it.” Only offer if you’re comfortable with this conversation. Your feelings are valid, too.
  • “If you’d rather have a distraction, let me know.” Offer some suggestions of what you can do to help take her mind off her loss. We’d recommend asking, first.
  • “Thinking of you.” Knowing they’re in your thoughts during this tough time can be a comfort.
  • “It’s not your fault.” It’s a horrible fact, but sometimes pregnancy losses just happen, without any real reason. She may feel as though she’s to blame for her miscarriage, so reassuring her she’s not could provide a little comfort.
  • “Take all the time you need.” A pregnancy loss is just that ‒ a loss ‒ so she may need time to grieve.
  • Say baby’s name. If your friend told you the name of their baby, make sure you use it in conversation, it’ll be appreciated.
  • Ask about their partners or, if applicable, other children, too. Pregnancy loss is hard on the person carrying the pregnancy, but also on those around them.

It’s important to remember that, while words do have power, it’s likely that no words of comfort for miscarriage will make her feel better.

But speaking about it, offering miscarriage condolences, and breaking the silence and the stigma, can help your friend know she’s not alone.

Your support is the best you can do for her right now.

Sympathy quotes for miscarriage

If you’re looking for heartfelt miscarriage quotes for a friend to write in a card or send in a message, here are 10 sympathy quotes for miscarriage:

  1. “Life is tough, my darling, but so are you.” - Stephanie Bennett-Henry
  2. “You never arrived in my arms, but you will never leave my heart.” — Zoe Clark-Coates
  3. “How very softly you tiptoed into our world, almost silently, only a moment you stayed. But what an imprint your footsteps have left upon our hearts.” — Dorothy Ferguson
  4. “It hurts because it matters.” — John Green
  5. “Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart.” – A. A. Milne
  6. “There is no right way to grieve; there is only your way to grieve and that is different for everyone.” — Nathalie Himmelrich
  7. “There is no time limit to healing. You take as much time as you need.” —S.L. Gray
  8. “At sunset the little soul that had come with the dawning went away, leaving heartbreak behind it.” – L.M. Montgomery
  9. “Heaven gained the tiniest angel.” – Unknown
  10. “Even those that never fully blossom bring beauty into the world.” – Unknown

What to say to someone who had a miscarriage in a card

Sometimes it’s easier to write some meaningful words of comfort for miscarriage in a card rather than saying them aloud ‒ if you’re also grieving, you need to look after yourself, too.

If you’ve decided to write a note, but you’re not sure what to say to someone who had a miscarriage in a card, here are some more suggestions:

  • “Keeping you [and your partner] in my thoughts.”
  • “I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Sending caring thoughts [and prayers] to you.”
  • “I know how much this baby was loved and wanted. I am so sorry for your loss.”
  • “I wish I had the words to make you feel better, but I know there are no words. I’m here for you, always.”
  • “Don’t forget to be as kind to yourself as you can right now. Allow yourself the same kindness you would give anyone else.”
  • “You are so strong, but don’t feel like you need to be strong right now. Take all the time you need.”
  • “This sucks and I hate that you’re going through it. Whatever you need ‒ talking, listening, crying, watching terrible movies ‒ I’m here for you.”

What not to say to someone who had a miscarriage

More important than “what to say to a friend who’s had a miscarriage” is “what not to say to a friend who’s had a miscarriage”.

So many people say things to those who have suffered a pregnancy loss that are unintentionally hurtful or dismissive.

We know you wouldn’t want to say anything that could hurt your grieving friend, so here’s a list of what not to say to someone who had a miscarriage.

Content warning: Some of the comments in this section are insensitive and hurtful, so if you want to scroll past, scroll on.

  • “You’re young. You can always have another baby.” Age isn’t the only factor in having a baby. At the same time, being ‘young’ doesn’t diminish their grief.
  • “It wasn’t meant to be.” or “It was for the best.” It’s really not your place to say whether it was ‘meant to be’ or not.
  • “When the time is right…” For your friend, the time was right. That’s what makes this so hard for them right now.
  • “At least you have other children.” Regardless of whether they have children already, it doesn’t take the pain away of losing one.
  • “So what’s wrong with you?” Don’t ask or make assumptions about why the miscarriage occurred. Sometimes, there is no reason.
  • “You must feel [emotion].” There’s no way you could know how they feel, even if you’ve been through something similar.
  • “It’s just a bunch of cells, not a ‘real’ baby.” Yes, to some of our mamas on Peanut, this has been said to them after a pregnancy loss.
  • “At least you know you can get pregnant.” ‘Getting pregnant’ isn’t really the issue here. It’s having a baby.
  • “What you should do is…” Only offer advice if they ask for it ‒ unsolicited advice is unwanted advice.

Generally speaking, any sentence that starts with “at least” isn’t an empathetic response.

Trust us, your friend doesn’t want to hear it!

What to do for someone who had a miscarriage

During a time where your friend might not be able to ‒ or want to ‒ do much for themselves, show you want to take care of them.

Whether that’s picking up their little one from school, bringing over a home-cooked meal, or offering to tidy their home, a small act of kindness can go a long way.

Here are some ideas of what to do for a friend who had a miscarriage, to help ease the burden and show them how much you love them:

  • Babysitting other children they might have, to allow them time to grieve.
  • Sending a care package ‒ chocolate, flowers, books, and their favorite snacks. Wrapping it in pink and blue ribbon is a nice touch, too ‒ that’s the symbol of pregnancy loss.
  • Gifting them a massage or beauty treatment ‒ many women find it hard to practice self-care at this time.
  • Gifting them and their partner a date night ‒ pregnancy loss can be hard on a relationship.
  • Offer to sort out gifts for friends or family with children’s birthdays coming up, or baby showers.
  • Send flowers ‒ the lily is a symbol of grief, white daisies represent pregnancy loss, and forget-me-nots are just a nice touch.
  • Offer to cook dinners ‒ whether you host a meal at your place, prepare a bunch of oven meals for them during the week, or gifting a voucher for takeaways.
  • Make a donation to your local children’s hospital in baby’s name.
  • Plant a tree in honor of baby.
  • Gift a star dedicated to their baby, so whenever they look to the sky, they’ll see their baby shining back at them.

Ultimately, if you’re looking for ideas of what to do for someone who had a miscarriage, the best thing you can do is listen.

What to say after miscarriage: Let them know they’re not alone

Losing a pregnancy is an isolating experience, but a lot can be said for the power of community.

If you can’t personally relate to your friend, let them know that they can join support groups where they’ll be able to share their story, find support, and speak to other women surviving after loss.

We hope this has given you some ideas of what to say to someone who had a miscarriage.

If you need any more support, feel free to join our Peanut community, where you’ll find other women who have experienced pregnancy loss.

🤍 Some more articles that might help:
What Does a Miscarriage Look Like?
Meghan Markle, You’re Not Alone - Here’s Why
Pregnancy After Loss: How to Cope With the Anxiety
A Letter to Chrissy Teigen, From a Mama Who Had a Miscarriage
To the Woman Who Just Had a Miscarriage
Pregnancy After Miscarriage: Everything You Need to Know
Beautiful Rainbow Baby Quotes

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