Step Mamas 🇬🇧

So my SD is 9 and my bio son is 3.5. I also have a 9 month old.

My SD is not able to wipe her own bum. She cannot bathe herself and asks her dad to brush her hair etc for her too. She is very unwilling to try or to learn. It is very frustrating and I believe she doesn’t do this anywhere else (can’t confirm as her mum doesn’t communicate)

Anyways I have had a few conversations with my partner about how I do not want my son and her bathing together. As she used to ask. My son has baths with his baby sibling but I think 8 is the absolute cut off for me especially opposite gender baths. If it was 9 year old boy and 3 year old girl it would look super strange?

Anyways, there’s been 2 occasions where that has been ignored by my partner in the past and we’ve spoke about it and how I have no control/ say in my own home and parenting. Another occasion they asked and he asked me despite knowing the answer, and then it makes me the bad guy?

Today, I set up some food colouring and baking soda vinegar stuff and they were playing potions outside and I went off the get baby to sleep. Then I get a photo from my partner of them in the bath together washing off the colour. I obviously was like wtf? Why have my wishes been gone against?

I’m triggered as I feel like

1. She should be bathing herself (or attempting to)
2. I’ve said no?

I’ve then had a reply from my partner basically saying he was stressed they were going to get colour everywhere so panicked. I did say that perhaps she could’ve waited outside and played for 5 mins while my 3 year old was contained and bathed and then her turn and he said she wouldn’t be able to do this and would touch everything. I just feel like she has the expectations of a toddler despite being a tween girl and 6 years older than my son!

We’ve booked to go away with my family to celebrate various events but my SS (12) won’t be coming because he’s a few weeks into year 8 and it’s his week with his mum and it seemed unfair to get him to miss a week of school and risk falling behind.

He’s already been on a holiday with us and been away with his mum too. For context too, my family live two hours away so we don’t really get much time together as usually we have Christmas at ours due to the custody agreement and my family can’t always come down due to costs of hotels etc and lack of space

Now we are close to going, I’m feeling really guilty.

So I have a question but I’ll give you some background information first. My SD just turn 3 in June. Since she was 8 months old she’s come to us every Wednesday night and stayed with us till Thursday evening. Recently her mother has text my partner about an hour before drop off saying “oh she wants to stay here tonight she doesn’t want to come” but then when it’s our weekend I’ve heard her say countless times when she gets dropped off on the Friday “sometimes we have to do things we don’t want to do”

Baring In mind she’s 3. Should her coming to her fathers be an option at that age?

My partner and I suspect it’s bio mum just being a little lazy on not wanting to drop her off. Specifically because every time my SD conveniently wants to stay home bio mum has asked my partner if hes at work. (my partner works 5 minutes from her house so she’s trying to get him to pick her up instead of her driving 15 minutes to us to drop her off ) and it never seems to happen on our weekends it only happens on Wednesday nights to Thursdays.

Personally I don’t think a choice like that should be put into a child’s hands till they’re at least 11/12 ish as a 3 year old could not want to go somewhere because they’re really enjoying playing with a toy or watching something. Where as an older child can say why they don’t want to.

My partner comes from a separated family and he was made to go to and from till he was an adult(give or take a year)

I also come from a separated family and I stopped seeing my father at 12 and explained to my mother why.

Circling back to my question being:

Should her coming to her fathers be an option at that age?

I’m not saying she should never be given an option but factoring in her age.

I just want some outsider perspective

We have my SD for a week (another week later in the holidays) and I am already at my wits end. She is 9 but demands a lot still.

I have a 7 month old baby and a just turned 3 year old. Obviously have our hands full as it is.

She just still requires her dad to bath her, wipe her bum in the toilet!, brush/tie her hair, tie her shoes, and hold her hand to sleep. we already have two children who need those things and more so adding a third into the mix just makes life difficult. Bedtim was really tricky with my 3 year old tonight who has finally fallen asleep but woke his baby sister so now she needs to get back to sleep and is wide awake. At the point where my partner would usually be doing our dinner and closing shift he is now having to put my SD to bed which sets us back massively. AIBU to expect her at 9 to have maybe a few stories and then fall asleep on her own and bath herself and just have a bit more independence as that would help us massively. I feel like she’s so behind others and doesn’t WANT to learn these things when we try and get her on board.

I just feel like she requires a lot and it adds so much to my mental load. I did a food shop of things she would like and she refuses any dinner we put in front of her (I’m not cooking anything exotic just basic kids food as that’s all she eats) and she just leaves the house in a tip, leaving socks shoes knickers wrappers all over the house😩😩😩😩

I guess if it was just her it would be ok but she has unrealistic expectations coming into a house of 2 young siblings. We’ve received messages from her mum saying how she doesn’t get any 1-1 time with her dad (he sees her once a week and takes her to football gives her dinner alone). None of us get 1-1 time with anyone as we are a family with young children trying to get through the days 😅

How do you guys deal with birthdays? My youngest son’s first birthday is on the 4th September but my SS 10th birthday is on the 3rd. Normally we would half all the bills including my step kids bills, but infront of our children my other half said he would pay for SS and I pay for my youngest, because 10 years old is a big birthday and he will have a bit more. Our money circumstances have changed since I’ve had my youngest, whereas I used to be the bread winner and now am at home for child care reasons, he makes twice what I do now. I have felt weird about it for a while now, my SS will have a huge birthday at his mum and step dads house and whatever his dad plans here, but my sons to get less because it’s only his first birthday? I’m I over reacting? Am I overthinking? A first birthday is an equal birthday, they are all special?

Also side note with the schools going back he’s provided his ex with school clothes for my SD and SS, my eldest is starting with everything provided by me, my parents have offered to pay for the school jumpers and he still hasn’t said anything.

Am I overthinking that he will pull this stunt at Christmas too? He will pay for the step kids but not my kids?