This is really hard for me to write as I’m very private and am truly ashamed of my past actions. I cheated on my husband 5 years ago with a coworker. For context we’d been together for 12 or 13 years, married for 5-6 at this point. The company he worked for had absolved and everyone was laid off, he took this as an opportunity to teach himself day trading, thinking he’d make good money. We decided after a year if it wasn’t working he’d get a job. This went on and put a strain on our relationship. He had no routine/responsibilities and got sucked into the day trading/political world. I felt like I was parenting my husband. At the time, I didn’t know how to communicate properly how unsupported and alone I was feeling. I started a new job around this time, completely changed industries and it was very difficult for me. I ended up having a connection with a coworker and it was fun, there was no stress of regular life. It lasted 3 months and was only physical 3 times, never sex. It was messy, my husband found out but I had to keep working with this person as the project wasn’t complete yet. I know everything I did was wrong and I felt terrible. At the time I was very resentful for not only supporting us while he played with stocks, but for previous years of acting like a child etc. and I know I’ve enabled many behaviors. I wasn’t the best after it all came out, although I did go to another project I was as still in friendly coworker group chats with this person. I was going through a lot emotionally trying to deal with the guilt and understand why I had done something to awful and I didn’t treat my husband with as much empathy and compassion as I should have. I decided after about 1.5 years to give up alcohol because I’d noticed a pattern of it creating problems for us. A couple weeks later I found out I was pregnant. Fast forward to today, our son is 18 months old. I’ve done a lot of work on myself to get to a place where I’ve accepted what I’ve done and have committed to our relationship. I haven’t reached out to this person or spoken to them in the past 2+ years even though working at the same company. Well I’ve been assigned to a new project that my affair partner is on and ironically, my husband has been unemployed for the past 14 months. Making promises his business is going to be launched etc. I’ve been the sole caregiver and provider for our family, and I’m exhausted. I can’t rely on him to do the simplest things like wake up on time to take our son to daycare. He’s racked up $10k of debt on one of my credit cards, I’ve had to ask my parents for money. However this time it’s different because I’ve been pushing us to go to therapy, because I’ve again felt alone and unsupported and I’ve learned from my mistakes. He’s decided our therapist is an affair sympathizer and refuses to see her. I’ve now found 3 new therapists for us to try. He’s held the stance that everything is my fault, he’s in the position he’s in because of the pain I’ve caused him and by me going to this new project I’ve made the decision for us. I have no say in what project I’m assigned to and I can’t simply refuse or quit my job. I’m also struggling with making up an excuse to get transferred to an office position which in turn I would resent him for the rest of my life for taking that decision from me. After becoming a mother you struggle with your new identity and giving up part of that feels unfair. I know what I did to him was unfair but I don’t think I should be punished forever. I know this was an extremely long post and there are so many more nuances to the situation. Ultimately I know I have to do what’s right for me and my son but I’m just curious putting this out there what you all would do. This isn’t something I’ve shared with many people. Anyways thanks for reading.
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