Let dads be a dad

I’m exactly the same! But I think mine comes from my little girls dad not be hands on with her when she was first born. He loved cuddles but if she cries, needed feeding or nappy change I had to do it all. He said he was scared he was going to hurt her. She’s now 18 months and I’m letting him do the little jobs like helping put her to bed and dishing up her dinner, I’m still on edge but I’ve got to let go. I’m sure in time your feel much better about what he does with your little one, plus I always think if you want a job done properly do it yourself (I need to let that go as well!! 🤣) x

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I’m having a hard time with it. But I’m trying so hard to change it. I just get so worked up when its happing.

This was me when my son first arrived! I think we think because we are the mom we know best and have the “mom intuition” etc etc. About 2 weeks in, I started to try to catch myself thinking and acting that way and I was pretty shocked at how often I was correcting things he was doing or just wanting to push him aside to do it myself. So I stopped. Watching my husband blossom into a confident hands on dad over the last 4 months has been amazing! I have full faith in my husband being able to take care of our son and I’d feel completely fine leaving them alone together overnight. In fact my husband is actually better at doing some things than I am and has surprised me on more than one occasion. It’s so much better for everyone to have as many helping hands as possible. The baby gets to have 1:1 time with both parents. Moms are happier and can have some down time and dads feel more confident and can have more bonding time.

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My baby girl is now 18 and her dad broke up with me when I was pregnant. I held a lot against him and wasn’t sure if I could trust him with then Baby Zoe. He has been a wonderful father even though things were rocky in Zoe’s early teen years. Zoe and her dad are very close today and Zoe is also close to her big sister Stacey who her dad had before she was born. Gary and I were not together very long but as parents we join to give our daughter, Zoe, a healthy upbringing.

We had a big conversation. Basically I confronted him about his weight gain and sweets intake he said it’s due to emotional eating and feeling emasculated.... oh?! I’ve been reading a lot. I recommend 5 languages of love to work on communication. You have to ask yourself why you don’t trust him. And if you don’t trust him then how can you love him? Maybe he’s not doing something to show you can trust him that needs to be communicated OR you’re doing something that’s causing him to hold back. Either way learning how to communicate is 🔑.

I had this issue and it was stressing me out cause dad couldn't help. I had to start leaving the house for a few hours occassionally leaving babe with dad. After a few times of coming home and they werent dead my brain realized that he could handle it and him doing it his way isnt the end of the world. We definitely still have disagreements on parenting style but little things like feeding her wrong or doing diapers/baths the wrong way aren't a problem.

I used to do this a lot. To the point where she almost didn’t know her dad anymore because she only spent an hour a day with him. The first few weeks they did a lot of skin to skin but only when she was asleep. I found it very helpful to agree on key aspects- especially health and safety related things and voice why i “wanted” certain things a certain way. Saying it out loud forces you to think about why you’re making the choices you’re making and whether it needs to be this way or there is another possibility. For example- dog contact under 6 months was a big no for me. I kept her away from the dogs by always having her on my arm when she looked at them, always from “above. He however knelt down for her to see the dogs. I lost my mind. Well, he had trained the dogs to stay just out of reach so they couldn’t touch/ lick/ whatever. Different approach- same result- baby was safe and happy and got to look at the puppies. So try thinking about what the reasoning is behind your choices, it might bring clarity.

I have this problem all the time don't get me wrong we are on # two so it has gotten easier as my husband remembers how i liked/ did things when our daughter was younger. But I still feel like I am hard on him sometimes. It gets easier further down the road.

Hey Brandie! I struggled in the beginning too! But I had to challenge myself and let my husband help because he wants to be a part of the process! Around 3 months, he scheduled a spa day for me and I was able to relax and let him spend couple hours with my son. Slowly, he picks up the routine of bathing my son and feeding plus a lot more! We are doing 50/50. My son is not clinging to me only because my husband is also giving him lots attention! You are addressing the issue now so this is a great step! Now, go get yourself a nice massage!!! ❤😊

I am the same way!!! I can’t stand it I feel horrible and idk how to stop either!!! I need to let him be a dad

The struggle is REAL! I am trying SO dang hard to let go, but it drives me insane. My problem is that I’ve tried explaining why things are done a certain way or why some things shouldn’t be done, but he still continues! Maybe venting here will make me feel better 😅🤣. Some things he does that I can’t stand: •opens baby’s diaper before grabbing a new one so baby kicks and puts his feed IN his dirty diaper (usually just pee but GROSS!) •leaves the wipe container open EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I know it’s just 1-2 wipes lost but I just feel like he’s throwing money down the drain. •doesn’t squeeze the air out of baby’s bottles before giving it to him (we use Kiinde bottles and baby spits up a decent amount) •every time the baby cries, his reaction is to make him a bottle instead of trying to figure out what is ACTUALLY wrong. •without fail, 99.9% of the time, if I ask him to take the baby so I can do something, I’ll come back and find the baby in his swing instead of spending time with him. Send help. Or wine. 👋🏻

Oh this is totally me! I've gotten him to the point that he has to ask me if the bath water is a good temperature, if the food is cut the right size,if the diaper is on right, clothes are too tight. You get it. Its exhausting and I blame myself for being too controlling and stepping in instead of stepping back.

I used to do this until about a week ago. Its difficult. Now I sort of just take some me time while dad is spending time with our son. If I focus on something else, I'm not constantly saying what he's doing "wrong"

UGH It happened to me too, and I am not an anxious person AT ALL. I think it’s a byproduct of the fact that women usually are the ones that stay home with the baby in the weeks following birth. There’s a lot more pressure on moms to be perfect and amazing and do it all. It starts when we’re pregnant and everything you read or hear scares you from doing ANYTHING wrong. That pressure isn’t really there for men in my experience. In fact, men get more praise for just BEING A DAD and doing the minimum. Don’t get me wrong, many dads are phenomenal (like my man), but people ask stupid questions like “has he changed any diapers?” WHAT?! Ok, I digress. But I say all this to explain that we learn to be THE parent and are driven by fear or the need to be perfect. Which extends to our spouses when we see them do something we wouldn’t do. “That’s not in the book!” Lol. Me and my guy talked it out and I apologized and he helped me to see that I’m allowing myself to be driven by fear. And that’s no way to parent.

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And also make sure you find something to compliment him on often. And let him know if you think he’s a good dad. Recognize it’s good to have 2 different types of parents. You can choose to fight the differences or embrace them and make a really good, well-rounded team. Dad is not your child and I’m guessing he’s just as capable as you are to parent your kid. Remind yourself why you chose him to have kids with in the first place, and embrace your love and the journey together rather than trying to be perfect alone. There’s more than one way to fold a towel and there’s more than one way to raise a child.

My husband was deployed for the first 6 months of my daughters life and had to parent from afar. When he got home I was overbearing and wouldn’t let him do anything without some kind of correction. He kept quiet about it but I could see it bothered him. Fast forward a few months and I was tired of feeling like I was doing EVERYTHING and then it clicked, I had no one to blame but myself because I wouldn’t allow him to do his part as a father. It’s all about trial and error and he will never do things quite how you like them but the important part is that he’s trying and you are letting him try.

The struggle is REAL! I just have to keep reminding myself of all the awesome things I got to do while spending time with my dad. A lot of it was silly and my mom would’ve NEVER let me do! We once sprayed the kitchen floor with the sink sprayer and slid around the kitchen with our hands and knees on rags bc the floor needed to be mopped anyway 🤷🏼‍♀️ My husband got all 3 of our kids on the roof one day and while I was CRINGING and internally yelling at him- I had to let go and let them make a memory. I turned the music up and kept folding laundry 😅 Meanwhile if it’s pertaining to something in our routine I say things like “This is how I do it..”, “Usually this helps me...”, or more specifically “The kids usually eat their lunch better if you sit at the table with them”

I'm the same way with my husband and my ten month old. He's a great dad, and he loves his son so much. I've always been this way though. I'm kind of a control freak and have pretty bad anxiety since having the baby. I hate that about myself.

Look out for post partum OCD mama. It's a thing and society feeds into it with the whole 'only you know what's best for your baby' thing. Check yourself. Is your husband a dummy? Will a little extra crying break your kid? Are kids adaptable? If it feels like a compulsion to critique then look deeper. If you feel like you need to stop - do some digging and find some practical steps to help. I did some damage to the ego and confidence of the man I married, before I took steps. It's going to take years to patch that road. But it can be done. Take care mama and good luck. PM me if you'd like to chat further.

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This, yes.

I am going back to work in May and my husband will take a month off to be with the baby. The idea he has that the baby is always hungry every time he cries worries me. I am sure he will over feed him. One thing I keep in mind though is that he loves his son and at least he is there and he wants to be there. Let him be a dad the best way he knows how. We carried these babies for 9 months we know them but dad’s need time to get to know their kids in their own way. As long as the baby is not at risk of being hurt or getting sick I say let them be as hard as it is.

I get it for certain things, but there ARE times your mommy instincts are correct. Sometimes safety is a huge factor. He doesn't have to do it exactly like me, but if he's not being safe, I'll definitely step in. Sometimes it's even common sense things, or things that should be common sense.

He doesn't do anything and I don't ask him to and that's best for me. He did a lot when the baby was first born which was very helpful but now it's my turn for the rest of time.

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Solo parent here, try to see what you have and what he does and not what is not. You can imagine the perfect partner and they’ll never be that. At least you got a partner.

He literally looks at me like I'm super annoying if I ask for any help so I don't. If anything he works so that's good. But it's my mom and sister that help me out a lot and that I am grateful for.

I totally do this and I am trying to get better about it. 🤦🏾‍♀️

I really think this is case by case thing.... I need more detail what's he doing and not doing?

I was the same way when my son was born and still kinda is. If its about his safety or medical stuff. It has to be my way since i do all the work. He learns a certain way so we have to do things a certain way. We do push him to easy him outta his comfort zone but itsnall the way he needs it to be. With his parenting im slowly allowing him to parent his way but im still iffy because he's a yeller and would yell or shout more like it and i dont like that at all. I also dont spank at all and he spabked my skn one day and i went kff at him in front of his family. Those are things i will absolutely not allow. Other than that im slowly letting lose and what not haha

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I meant my son learns a certain way. Sorry for typos lol

Ahhhh! This was me in the beginning weeks. My man was never around kids/babies, VS me who helped raise brothers and worked in childcare - so i was very hovering over how he was always doing things and I’d push him out the way and say “I’ll just do it”. I noticed he started feeling useless and @ 2 am when the baby would wake up, he’d watch videos on how to burp the baby or how to feed correctly. I knew I had to back off because it was also creating tensions between he and I. I.E, I would teach him how to quickly change my sons diaper and then let him know if he needs help to ask me, and he would. Now, he’s a PRO! The only way anyone learns is by being hands on.

I just have to be very careful with how I word things. I want my husband to feel comfortable taking care of our son when I’m not around. If it’s something he hasn’t done before, I tell him how I do it, but make sure to let him know that he doesn’t have to do it my way. My husband is great with our 7 month old. He’s confident in his ability to take care of our child.

Girl don’t beat yourself up I do the same thing 😔

Totally! My hubs it great, BUT we haven't read the same articles or books so sometimes we are different. Still figuring it out. What I'm trying to do is let to the small things go. I try to only make a point on bigger things. Most importantly I'm trying to stay bonded & connected with him, rather than correct him often. No matter what silly or odd ways he does stuff, our relationship is more important. Can't say it ain't hard though.

I do this a lot more often than I should if I feel like he didn’t dress her right or if he just didn’t do something for her a certain way it bugs me and I can’t get over it even if what he does goes ok. We have to let them learn from the experience too it’ll be hard for us but what else can we do

If you had someone correcting everything you do wouldn't you be frustrated? With our first son I was a lil crazy about my way and I'm the mom I know what best. It prevented him from bonding and enjoying fatherhood. I did things a lot differently for the other three. And to this day you can tell the difference in their relationship. I suggest things later but let him do his thing

This is me now. My husband and I live separately and we constantly argue when it comes to our daughter. I’m the one who has her 24/7. And my husband thinks he can just demand. When he does get stuff for our daughter. It’s either wrong or smaller sizes or he wants to get stuff that’s not important right now but we can get it later. I feel like when he sees her its money in his pockets. And also to show her off to his family and friends and his little female fan club on social media. I do let him spend time with her on whatever weekend he’s ready for her when he’s not busy. And I don’t bother them. But his family always tells me that he asks to babysit so he can go clubbing. So what am I to do? I look at her and i just ball up cry cuz she looks exactly like him. I try talking to him but he won’t listen. We end up arguing anyways.

Omg am that type of mom. I always want to be around my daughter only rather than have her dad around.

Awesome that you notice this tendency now. Within my first year of being a mom, I realized that I had to let my husband do things his way. The exceptions became bedtime & screen time decisions. We had to get on a similar page regarding those, or I ended up “picking up the pieces”.

I start and catch myself and just apologize and tell him to do what he thinks is best. Eventually you stop lolsz

I get it, I don’t even want to hand my son over to my husband. But I do it and I bite my tongue. My husband is the one who critiques everything I do as if I’m not doing anything right but finally admitted it’s because he doesn’t even know what he’s doing. So I bite my tongue and let him do things his way and when my son gets too fussy for him he gives him back to me and he calms right down.

I did this a lot the first few months, too. I’ve learned to walk away when he’s taking care of business so I can’t see what he’s doing so I can’t correct him.

It takes a lot for me to keep my mouth shut and let him handle our son without my input. Especially during discipline. But for other things that I ask him to do and then he does it a different way than me, I just try not to ask him to do it anymore and do it myself to avoid that frustration. Overall, I think gratefulness is lacking and that’s what I’ve been trying to foster to help combat this. It’s hard though! Just yesterday we had a fight when my son scraped his arm at the park and my husband wanted to use a purrell wipe on his scrape and I said it that that would traumatize him, isn’t necessary, and that that’s not even made for that. Choosing battles is so hard when trying to parenting together.

I’m not sure how to respond to this post. It’s nothing bad.

Nature itself teaches us that the mother is the primary caregiver; dads are great, but they don't have that "motherly instinct" so it is completely natural to give them some instructions. That isn't not letting them be a dad; it's just not expecting them to be a mom. Children need different things from each parent and it's those differences that work together to create the ideal upbringing for the child. Although there are many single parents taking on both roles and do so exceptionally well; that isn't the issue being addressed here.

I know this feeling all to well, it scares me but eventually I had to realize that he loves our son and wouldn't let anything happen to him. and that me freaking out on him was just causing stress for everyone including our son

My husband's paranoid of sick kids, so that has been an issue. He also used yo get on my girls about swimsuits. He used to block the baby at family parties. I think some of his tendencies have rubbed off on my son. So adapting to change for my son is hard. But my husband is pretty much amazing, and he is probably a better parent than me sometimes. Count your blessings that you have a dad who wants to be there and give him space to figure it out unless it's too extreme. I have had my share of doing the parenting thing alone (and an ex husband who was no help). I hear of women all the time where dad isn't invested in their partner or children. So, yay for amazing men!

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And you get you time if you need it. Everyone in my house is happier when I get me time. 😂

Oh I am 100% guilty of this!!!!! We basically sat down and just had a super honest conversation about it all. Michael understands that I can be controlling and have serious anxiety when it comes to our daughter, so he’s understanding of my need to feel in control. We basically compromised by him allowing me to essentially show him I do things and then him work his best to do things the same way...and in return, I’m more lenient and understanding of him doing some things differently. I still struggle with trying to control his parenting but we get through it by maintaining an open line of communication and just being patient with each other!

In a lot of ways, my hubs doesn’t know what he’s doing. Like sleep training, he had a night shift and took our nug out of his bed to comfort him which just woke him up more. I usually say things like “you’re a great dad” as often as possible and when I see him confused or struggling or feeling silly, I say “I’m sure you already know this, but it works really well to xyz”

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We're only 13 weeks along and I'm already prepping my husband to let the baby cry it out and he's already sad about it 🤣

I’m terrified. He will be a SAHD and I’m afraid he won’t know what to do and either my daughter will suffer or I’ll be called every hour on the hour while at work

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I’ve lived the called every hour life lol ugh. It makes being at work even more stressful.

I struggled with this. I've learned that if you don't let him do anything, or bring your child anywhere especially if y'all are together, it's just going to push him away. Let him be a dad just like you're being a mother. Moms and dads parent different. Let him do his way and you do your way.. It makes things much easier. It's their child too.

Lmao I think every mom does this!!!!

I’ve always seen it as I am mom! That’s who I am and that’s how I do things and that is what I can offer my child that no one in the world can. So my Husbands Role is dad. I don’t want him to be me. I do things my way and my children will sometimes lol come to me more because I’m mommy and I’m that place. Daddy does them different. I like having our separate ways and roles. He does things his way... lol no wrong... mainly hilarious or goofy or OMG STOP IT! Lol But as long as we are both safe in our choices I revel in their differences.

So we complain about dads who aren’t around and we complain about dads who are around? We are just complainers aren’t we?

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Right!

I don't think its really complaining about Dads that are around. Its the fact you just had this precious baby that YOU have been connected to litterally. You have to break that barrier of letting othef loved ones like the Father help take care of the baby. It's stressful at first.

I think I’m the beginning it’s just hard to give up that responsibility. Mama instinct kicks in and we just want to do it all, the way we know it works and we believe we’re the best for them. I had to get over it, because it’s important for my son to be loved differently, a fathers love, or grandparents love etc, will give him a different perspective on how to love and be loved and nurtured. Once I looked at that way, it was easier for me to let go of the anxiety of “you’re not doing it right, let me show you etc”! :)

This is something I work on every day. It’s so hard! I really don’t want to be a buzzkill and know he’s a great dad but....when it comes to: screen time, sleep training and feeding I’m pretty protective. I have those as big priorities to make sure my son is on the right track.

Ok wow, so like I thought I was the only one who did this. But yes, I agree it’s not good for anyone to be such a control freak. I will do better to let him live and learn but still guiding him in a not so controlling way.

I struggle with the same issues sometimes too my fiancee trys his hardest and now i finally accepted the fact that he can do this he may not be his by blood but the more and more i see how they giggle together and play even take a nap together! It melts me away. Sometimes us moms just have to sit back and watch things take its course even though we want to just push them aside and get it done ourselfs its mom thing lol! But so far hes been pretty good with myron and he plans on adopting him and making him and raising him as his own and im over come with joy!