Let dads be a dad

I realize this is a post from years but but ill still add my two cent for others reading. I have the habit of doing the same. I am very picky when it comes to handling my daughter, and I've had to back myself off more, watching the smiles and laughter from my daughter as they interact usually give me some peace of mind but if its something i think is important to mention i will tell my husband because there is just a lot a husband may not know. And if i was in his boat id want someone to tell me. So i suppose treat your husband the way you would like to be treated.

My husband does alot when I'm at work but when I'm home we tend to butt heads due to me being tired and him being tired .. so I can say he and I both try out best to make things even...

I have a similar issue myself😭

Oh I am the same. Help🙈🤦🏻‍♀️

I’m there with you! I do this all the time to the point where my husband now doesn’t know the routine, likes or dislikes of our baby! But then i catch myself getting so mad at you for not helping!!! It sucks and something I’m trying to work on!

I’m mothering him and the baby when I go to work constantly ‘checking in’ driving myself mad with anxiety

I do this sometimes too

Just try to discipline yourself as moms we worry about our kids too much sometimes

I definitely feel you on this one. I am constantly referring to her as MY baby and correcting him. At least I’m not the only asshole.

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I can relate

Look up “maternal gatekeeping” - totally normal and I try to be aware of when I do it, reminding myself that it’s ok to let go sometimes ❤️

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Thanks! I like to identify and really understand these tendencies birthing and becoming a mother can initiate. Fascinating, but without awareness, communication, and patience things can probably feel chaotic and for newbies freak them out like, omg is this the new normal? Lol

Hey how are you doing with this? Have you loosened the reigns a bit?

I had the same problem until my mom put it in perspective for me. The dads role is just important as the moms & that’s something I had to learn

I do this. And i feel awful, because then i talk about how i feel completely alone in this parenting thing. But, sometimes, it's just because i want to take care of my son. Because i feel like dad messes up or doesnt do something the way i think he should. Or the way i have come to find that my son wants something done. Since going back to work i havent really had a choice but to let him be a dad. Hes, as of right now, a stay at home dad. And so im being forced to let him parent! And I think actually experiencing that space and that peace has helped me step back. Seeing him do well when im gone. Feeling that peace of not doing this alone. Allowing him to be our son's daddy and parent his own way. It helps.

I'm also struggling to just let him do what he's doing and I've already told him how I feel how I teach so obviously if he does what he's doing that's just his parenting method and it doesn't mean that he's wrong I just care so much for my little ones and I'm very specific about how I want things done it's hard for me to let go just take a breath and remind yourself that as long as they're not in physical harm just let it be easier said than done but we'll get through it together girls

I recently had this Revelation also when a counselor came to my house for some behavioral issues that my toddler's been having to my one year old who is two and a half and she said that I should just let him parent the way he does because I am always correcting him or telling him how he should be doing things but in my defense he does things that truly are bad habits are bad role modeling but he also does a lot of other things aren't those things and I still say something and always correct him trying to tell him how to teach her how to interact and she says that's not good for anyone and

I struggle with the same issues sometimes too my fiancee trys his hardest and now i finally accepted the fact that he can do this he may not be his by blood but the more and more i see how they giggle together and play even take a nap together! It melts me away. Sometimes us moms just have to sit back and watch things take its course even though we want to just push them aside and get it done ourselfs its mom thing lol! But so far hes been pretty good with myron and he plans on adopting him and making him and raising him as his own and im over come with joy!

Ok wow, so like I thought I was the only one who did this. But yes, I agree it’s not good for anyone to be such a control freak. I will do better to let him live and learn but still guiding him in a not so controlling way.

This is something I work on every day. It’s so hard! I really don’t want to be a buzzkill and know he’s a great dad but....when it comes to: screen time, sleep training and feeding I’m pretty protective. I have those as big priorities to make sure my son is on the right track.

I think I’m the beginning it’s just hard to give up that responsibility. Mama instinct kicks in and we just want to do it all, the way we know it works and we believe we’re the best for them. I had to get over it, because it’s important for my son to be loved differently, a fathers love, or grandparents love etc, will give him a different perspective on how to love and be loved and nurtured. Once I looked at that way, it was easier for me to let go of the anxiety of “you’re not doing it right, let me show you etc”! :)

So we complain about dads who aren’t around and we complain about dads who are around? We are just complainers aren’t we?

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Right!

I don't think its really complaining about Dads that are around. Its the fact you just had this precious baby that YOU have been connected to litterally. You have to break that barrier of letting othef loved ones like the Father help take care of the baby. It's stressful at first.

I’ve always seen it as I am mom! That’s who I am and that’s how I do things and that is what I can offer my child that no one in the world can. So my Husbands Role is dad. I don’t want him to be me. I do things my way and my children will sometimes lol come to me more because I’m mommy and I’m that place. Daddy does them different. I like having our separate ways and roles. He does things his way... lol no wrong... mainly hilarious or goofy or OMG STOP IT! Lol But as long as we are both safe in our choices I revel in their differences.

Lmao I think every mom does this!!!!

I struggled with this. I've learned that if you don't let him do anything, or bring your child anywhere especially if y'all are together, it's just going to push him away. Let him be a dad just like you're being a mother. Moms and dads parent different. Let him do his way and you do your way.. It makes things much easier. It's their child too.

I’m terrified. He will be a SAHD and I’m afraid he won’t know what to do and either my daughter will suffer or I’ll be called every hour on the hour while at work

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I’ve lived the called every hour life lol ugh. It makes being at work even more stressful.

In a lot of ways, my hubs doesn’t know what he’s doing. Like sleep training, he had a night shift and took our nug out of his bed to comfort him which just woke him up more. I usually say things like “you’re a great dad” as often as possible and when I see him confused or struggling or feeling silly, I say “I’m sure you already know this, but it works really well to xyz”

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We're only 13 weeks along and I'm already prepping my husband to let the baby cry it out and he's already sad about it 🤣

Oh I am 100% guilty of this!!!!! We basically sat down and just had a super honest conversation about it all. Michael understands that I can be controlling and have serious anxiety when it comes to our daughter, so he’s understanding of my need to feel in control. We basically compromised by him allowing me to essentially show him I do things and then him work his best to do things the same way...and in return, I’m more lenient and understanding of him doing some things differently. I still struggle with trying to control his parenting but we get through it by maintaining an open line of communication and just being patient with each other!

My husband's paranoid of sick kids, so that has been an issue. He also used yo get on my girls about swimsuits. He used to block the baby at family parties. I think some of his tendencies have rubbed off on my son. So adapting to change for my son is hard. But my husband is pretty much amazing, and he is probably a better parent than me sometimes. Count your blessings that you have a dad who wants to be there and give him space to figure it out unless it's too extreme. I have had my share of doing the parenting thing alone (and an ex husband who was no help). I hear of women all the time where dad isn't invested in their partner or children. So, yay for amazing men!

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And you get you time if you need it. Everyone in my house is happier when I get me time. 😂

I know this feeling all to well, it scares me but eventually I had to realize that he loves our son and wouldn't let anything happen to him. and that me freaking out on him was just causing stress for everyone including our son

Nature itself teaches us that the mother is the primary caregiver; dads are great, but they don't have that "motherly instinct" so it is completely natural to give them some instructions. That isn't not letting them be a dad; it's just not expecting them to be a mom. Children need different things from each parent and it's those differences that work together to create the ideal upbringing for the child. Although there are many single parents taking on both roles and do so exceptionally well; that isn't the issue being addressed here.

I’m not sure how to respond to this post. It’s nothing bad.

It takes a lot for me to keep my mouth shut and let him handle our son without my input. Especially during discipline. But for other things that I ask him to do and then he does it a different way than me, I just try not to ask him to do it anymore and do it myself to avoid that frustration. Overall, I think gratefulness is lacking and that’s what I’ve been trying to foster to help combat this. It’s hard though! Just yesterday we had a fight when my son scraped his arm at the park and my husband wanted to use a purrell wipe on his scrape and I said it that that would traumatize him, isn’t necessary, and that that’s not even made for that. Choosing battles is so hard when trying to parenting together.

I did this a lot the first few months, too. I’ve learned to walk away when he’s taking care of business so I can’t see what he’s doing so I can’t correct him.

I get it, I don’t even want to hand my son over to my husband. But I do it and I bite my tongue. My husband is the one who critiques everything I do as if I’m not doing anything right but finally admitted it’s because he doesn’t even know what he’s doing. So I bite my tongue and let him do things his way and when my son gets too fussy for him he gives him back to me and he calms right down.

I start and catch myself and just apologize and tell him to do what he thinks is best. Eventually you stop lolsz

Awesome that you notice this tendency now. Within my first year of being a mom, I realized that I had to let my husband do things his way. The exceptions became bedtime & screen time decisions. We had to get on a similar page regarding those, or I ended up “picking up the pieces”.

Omg am that type of mom. I always want to be around my daughter only rather than have her dad around.

This is me now. My husband and I live separately and we constantly argue when it comes to our daughter. I’m the one who has her 24/7. And my husband thinks he can just demand. When he does get stuff for our daughter. It’s either wrong or smaller sizes or he wants to get stuff that’s not important right now but we can get it later. I feel like when he sees her its money in his pockets. And also to show her off to his family and friends and his little female fan club on social media. I do let him spend time with her on whatever weekend he’s ready for her when he’s not busy. And I don’t bother them. But his family always tells me that he asks to babysit so he can go clubbing. So what am I to do? I look at her and i just ball up cry cuz she looks exactly like him. I try talking to him but he won’t listen. We end up arguing anyways.

If you had someone correcting everything you do wouldn't you be frustrated? With our first son I was a lil crazy about my way and I'm the mom I know what best. It prevented him from bonding and enjoying fatherhood. I did things a lot differently for the other three. And to this day you can tell the difference in their relationship. I suggest things later but let him do his thing

I do this a lot more often than I should if I feel like he didn’t dress her right or if he just didn’t do something for her a certain way it bugs me and I can’t get over it even if what he does goes ok. We have to let them learn from the experience too it’ll be hard for us but what else can we do

Totally! My hubs it great, BUT we haven't read the same articles or books so sometimes we are different. Still figuring it out. What I'm trying to do is let to the small things go. I try to only make a point on bigger things. Most importantly I'm trying to stay bonded & connected with him, rather than correct him often. No matter what silly or odd ways he does stuff, our relationship is more important. Can't say it ain't hard though.

Girl don’t beat yourself up I do the same thing 😔

I just have to be very careful with how I word things. I want my husband to feel comfortable taking care of our son when I’m not around. If it’s something he hasn’t done before, I tell him how I do it, but make sure to let him know that he doesn’t have to do it my way. My husband is great with our 7 month old. He’s confident in his ability to take care of our child.

Ahhhh! This was me in the beginning weeks. My man was never around kids/babies, VS me who helped raise brothers and worked in childcare - so i was very hovering over how he was always doing things and I’d push him out the way and say “I’ll just do it”. I noticed he started feeling useless and @ 2 am when the baby would wake up, he’d watch videos on how to burp the baby or how to feed correctly. I knew I had to back off because it was also creating tensions between he and I. I.E, I would teach him how to quickly change my sons diaper and then let him know if he needs help to ask me, and he would. Now, he’s a PRO! The only way anyone learns is by being hands on.

I was the same way when my son was born and still kinda is. If its about his safety or medical stuff. It has to be my way since i do all the work. He learns a certain way so we have to do things a certain way. We do push him to easy him outta his comfort zone but itsnall the way he needs it to be. With his parenting im slowly allowing him to parent his way but im still iffy because he's a yeller and would yell or shout more like it and i dont like that at all. I also dont spank at all and he spabked my skn one day and i went kff at him in front of his family. Those are things i will absolutely not allow. Other than that im slowly letting lose and what not haha

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I meant my son learns a certain way. Sorry for typos lol

I really think this is case by case thing.... I need more detail what's he doing and not doing?

I totally do this and I am trying to get better about it. 🤦🏾‍♀️

He doesn't do anything and I don't ask him to and that's best for me. He did a lot when the baby was first born which was very helpful but now it's my turn for the rest of time.

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Solo parent here, try to see what you have and what he does and not what is not. You can imagine the perfect partner and they’ll never be that. At least you got a partner.

He literally looks at me like I'm super annoying if I ask for any help so I don't. If anything he works so that's good. But it's my mom and sister that help me out a lot and that I am grateful for.

I get it for certain things, but there ARE times your mommy instincts are correct. Sometimes safety is a huge factor. He doesn't have to do it exactly like me, but if he's not being safe, I'll definitely step in. Sometimes it's even common sense things, or things that should be common sense.

I am going back to work in May and my husband will take a month off to be with the baby. The idea he has that the baby is always hungry every time he cries worries me. I am sure he will over feed him. One thing I keep in mind though is that he loves his son and at least he is there and he wants to be there. Let him be a dad the best way he knows how. We carried these babies for 9 months we know them but dad’s need time to get to know their kids in their own way. As long as the baby is not at risk of being hurt or getting sick I say let them be as hard as it is.

Look out for post partum OCD mama. It's a thing and society feeds into it with the whole 'only you know what's best for your baby' thing. Check yourself. Is your husband a dummy? Will a little extra crying break your kid? Are kids adaptable? If it feels like a compulsion to critique then look deeper. If you feel like you need to stop - do some digging and find some practical steps to help. I did some damage to the ego and confidence of the man I married, before I took steps. It's going to take years to patch that road. But it can be done. Take care mama and good luck. PM me if you'd like to chat further.

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This, yes.