Gentle parenting advice please
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Ask her what she thinks would be fair. Also if your wanting to try a new way of communicating without her coming to you if she feels anxious about it. Get her a journal. If she needs to talk to you about something but doesn't want to talk face to face have her write down everything she is feeling and would like to talk about hand have her put it in a specific spot that you see often so you know "ok she needs to talk" you can read in it. Write in it and give it back with whatever you need to say
I respect your idea of autonomy with the phone. As I said before, she's actually my cousin that we took in. She previously had zero supervision with phones since she was 7 years old and got in some very scary, dangerous and illegal situations that now require some supervision. (Such as telling strange adults on the internet that were grooming her and having her send child pornography, where exactly she lived, school, etc) and didn't care of the consequences that could've resulted from that. Her feelings were thought of in the first place, this was somewhere she was very excited to go and then after we arrived and it was paid for did a 180 with attitude and was mean and disrespectful. She has a common issue of being inconsiderate of others feelings and being "proud" of that. I'm sorry if my message sounds defensive Hazel, but I feel when giving advice it shouldn't sound like you're automatically assuming the worst of me.. (1)
As i said, I didn't "lose my shit" I tried being calm talking with her and compromising and she only responded with disrespectful meanness for seemingly no reason, my last resort was shutting off her phone. I give her respect, she rarely gives it back. Remember as i said, I'm coming in after 14 years of neglect and abuse... she is coming into this with anger and frustration... we are fresh adults ourselves let alone fresh parents in general... As for Jillian, thank you so much for your kind advice, I really appreciate it. I've tried to convince her to journal but her common response to any alternative option I give her is "that's too much work" or "that's dumb". So far the only time I can get her to openly express her feelings is after the issue, after I had already taken her phone. Which is hard because I try to open up conversations beforehand and I'm met with her brick walls a mile high
Personally I believe in autonomy. If something belongs to my child then it’s his I have no business taking it. HOWEVER he doesn’t pay for the Internet, he doesn’t pay for the phone line, etc you feel me? Phones and gadgets aren’t much fun without service. As to making her pay for her ticket after the fact. Her feelings are being invalidated when you do that. I would suggest making her earn those things before the activity. Not after bc you didn’t like her attitude. Also the choice you make to spend money you don’t have is a you problem. It’s not her problem. Expectation is the root of heartache. Do the things you do bc you want to do them not for a response. When you feel like she’s disrespecting you before the reaction you give take a step back. Breathe go back and say I didn’t like that. Please speak to me with respect the way I speak to you. If you go losing your shit tho? It’s hard to ask for respect if you don’t give it.