Birth certificate

Did you and your partner plan the baby? Did you go through a clinic? What I mean, is that if she's the other parent. Even if you split, would she not want to share custody? If the baby is having two parents, regardless of you being together or not, then does it really matter whose surname they have?

@Sandra yes, we planned the baby, but we didn’t go through a clinic, we found a donor ourselves. She would want to share custody but I wouldn’t feel comfortable with that as she has certain mental conditions that would prevent her from actually being able to have the baby by herself, which is where our struggles lay.. There’s a lot of things that I have to remind her of, like putting coats and shoes away, rather than dropping them on the floor when you walk in, she doesn’t like cleaning or cooking.. its a struggle to get her to walk the dog, and I have to remind her that he needs feeding. She doesn’t shower, ect. it’s only been the last month that’s she’s stopped smoking weed (which she said would be stopped before the pregnancy). These were all things that weren’t actually much of an issue at all before the pregnancy, so it’s not that we had issues and then decided to have a baby, I was pregnant, then everything went out the Window x

@Sandra and I love her more than life itself but I always feel guilt tripped into things. Like when we have an argument, I’ll try to remove myself from the situation so it doesn’t get worse, she used to follow me around and not give me space but now it’s “fine, leave, abandon me like everyone else” or “yea okay run away like you always do”. I just want the vest environment for the baby and I just don’t know if it’s something that she can provide.. we have a lot of different “morals” She’s happy to sit in the same clothes for a week without showering, not eat proper food, but eat crisps and snacks all day, constantly swearing and everything that’s a normal household chore I have to fight to get her to do, which results in me doing absolutely everything by myself anyway :( I feel like I’m raising a child at the same time as a baby rather than being supported by her. We’re not raising the baby together.. and I get shouted at a lot most days x

I’m going through the exact same thing! 😩.. currently 27 weeks pregnant and it hasn’t been easy! I’m now in a mind where I’m like do I even want to put you on papers anymore ? And I feel like if I do I’m only doing it to make her feel better or acknowledged in the situation because my mindset has changed so much over the last few months and our relationship has also changed .. and it’s like she does certain things that she has no awareness about and just portrays me to be this toxic person when I’m not .. currently going through a break down right now because of all the stress and pressure I’m under and it got to a point where I was like you know what you just take him and il give you all rights because I can’t take the stress and I can’t take the rules being thrown at me because she is wanting to have parental rights and now it just feels like do I wanna live my life this way with my son? I don’t feel comfortable anymore with it and I feel to scared to admit it to her …

At first it was all roses and rainbows and wasn’t like this but now it just toxic and it’s affecting me so much .. even down to wanting to rekindle past relationships with old friends she’s making that difficult because if I do that I don’t respect her ? Because in the past my friend and her had an argument and bitter hurtful words were exchanged it’s like now I’m just suppose to sit here and do as she says and follow her lead in order for her to feel respected by me … I’m not sure what I’m gonna do anymore in the situation and it’s not even like I’ve made it happen all on my own .. she’s definitely contributed to the way I feel and my best advice to you ( even if I can’t take my own ) do what you want to do ! Regardless this baby is your child no matter what you both signed up to or agreed to in the beginning and if you feel like it isn’t what you want then don’t do it

@Let can I private message you? I haven’t had anyone who’s actually been in the same situation? x

Yeah go on x

I put my ex on my daughter’s certificate knowing she really wasn’t interested. 18 months later she left and it was 5 years of battles in court (am birth mum and my egg) and I lost my daughter 18 months ago! If you’re not 100% sure don’t do it. I’m actually re married at currently pregnant and my wife is so understanding and she doesn’t want her name on the certificate because we wants me to never feel as broken as my ex made me again.

@Kate sorry to hear you had to experience all of that but why on earth did the courts give her to your ex if you are the birth mother and biological mother ?? … this is what makes me paranoid about putting my ex on paper … she’s always reassured me she wouldn’t that to me but she strongly wants to be on papers for the simple fact of having rights .. I get she wants proper involvement and there’s isn’t any wrong in that but it just makes me paranoid x

@Let I will PM you

Hey, I totally understand where you are coming from!! I am not the birth mum and we done ai at home so I’m not on the birth certificate but I am the one caring for our baby alone. She had bpd amongst other mental health issues before pregnancy then after birth she developed post natal psychosis. She has never been able to look after our child alone. We split up just this week cause she struggled to be a mum, was same as you say about wearing same clothes for days no personal hygiene. Would just shower every month if she could get away with it! I felt like I had another child at home to care for. I like a tidy house whereas she didn’t care so it caused lot of tension when I wanted to do housework as it stressed HER out by ME doing the cleaning!! I have no legal rights to our baby despite me being the single parent to her. We gave her hyphenated surname too with mine at the end but today I actually considered just saying my name as the surname only to make it easier lol

I would seriously consider though not joining both names at this stage for that reason. If you get married then you can change it to include both names at the same time as adding her to the birth certificate. Just don’t rush into a marriage you aren’t sure about! You are young so have plenty of time yet! We been together 3 years and thought we would be together forever yet we are going through separation. It’s so hard! Keep name as yours for now until you feel committed enough

I had a similar situation with my ex in that she had significant mental health difficulties and couldn't commit to anything, kept changing her mind about our fertility treatment and I ended up walking on eggshells around her to avoid her having a 'bad day' Luckily (though it fidnt feel it at the time) she had a wobble and left me before we had our ivf transfer and then i made a decision that i wasnt going back there as it was just to much of a roller coaster...once things settled I was able to go ahead with treatment without her....and then a few years later my new partner adopted my daughter. Anyhow the point i meant to make was that I was under the impression that if you don't go through a clinic and you arnt married then then partners can't be named on birth certificates. So presumably if you don't marry her (which sounds like your not sure you want/ready to do) then she couldn't go on certificate anyway and so you could justb do your name. Then if it did work out could make it legal later down the line.

@Suzi you can go on the certificate but the birth mother has to sign some paperwork to say they are allowing the other parent to be the other legal parent…but I completely agree with you and they should make it legal down the line when both are sure.

I’m not sure of rules are different- but we had to be married at the point of conception for my wife to be on our daughters birth certificate. So this may be a good excuse for her not to be on the certificate. And later on if she adopts her as your not married already- then you could change the baby surname?