in March 2023 Babies

Should I have her stay or leave?

Once finding out that I was having twins, my mother insisted upon her and my dad flying out for a month to help us get situated. We didn’t have the space for her to stay with us, but we paid for an Airbnb nearby and were happy for the help. Initially, we were very grateful, as I had a really rough delivery and was completely bedridden for the first few days (hemorrhaging 4x, requiring 5 transfusions, and developing a hematoma in my Abdominal wall). Now, though, she’s not being as helpful as I would expect someone to be. She’ll come over to hold the babies and help with feedings, but what we really need is help with housework- laundry, cooking, cleaning pump parts, etc. Given one baby was in the Nicu for several days and I’m both breastfeeding and pumping/supplementing, I’m doing something related to feeding 2 out of every 3 hours. She’ll help with housework but only if I specifically ask every single time, like hey can you clean this, put that away, etc. I’m growing tired of having to explain the same set of things that need to be done. Also, it’s not fun for me having to repeatedly ask for things. Yesterday she came over, and wanted to hold the baby (who was sleeping and would have been fine to put down). In frustration, my husband told Her to put down the baby and start helping clean pump parts. She went ballistic, basically threatened to leave because I don’t let her hold them enough. She says she feels like hired help because I keep asking her to do things. I talked her down from a ledge but now im tempted to send her home anyway- im still recovering, and while another set of hands is helpful, it’s clear she’s there for her benefit and not to help us. But then I feel selfish for asking for the help with housework. (She also called me selfish, which I didn’t take too kindly to.) What would you guys do?

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SEND HER HOME lol but no fr if that’s what you need her to do and she doesn’t want to then i would kindly explain that to her and then ask her to go home. At the end of the day, you need to be as stress free as you can and if doing things yourself or putting things off vs having to ask her then you are better off that way.

If you have the funds available I would probably hire a cleaner for a couple of hours a week so you don't have to worry about that. Triple feeding one baby is hard enough, let alone two! If I was still paying for your parents accomodation, I'd probably just explain that you need that money for other things now (i.e. cleaner 😅). Has the month that they were planning to stay finished yet? I also wonder if she might help you by doing some batch cooking to freeze and use whenever? We batch cook a LOT to save time in daily food prep. Or if it's something you'd considered doing yourself? We normally do one big batch cook a week in the weekend so partner is there to help.xx

You do not need “help” holding the baby and it’s not a valid excuse for her to fly over for a month. We all know what help means and so does she. She needs to HELP by doing tasks you specifically need assistance for. If she wanted to come and bond with the babies, she should have said so and asked transparently.You are not selfish for wanting her to deliver on what she promised, she is getting a free air bnb and should have compassion to help her child who just delivered twins.

Send her home! It’s probably best for your own mental health and your relationship with both babies and your mum too x

Send her home 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ she’s no “help” & you could use that money to hire someone to actually clean lol

Send her home! She came to hold babies and not help. She’s held the baby and seen them which is fine. But you paying for her Airbnb so she can hold your baby is a No Go! and I would tell her that.

Have you tried talking to her about the routine you want for the baby such as being put down to nap and if she would like to help it would be great if she could support you doing that. Then lead into other areas that would be useful. Although if you have done this already and you still don’t think it has helped I’d either ask her to go home or if the accommodation is already paid for‘transition’ seeing her less by setting times for her to come over. Then this might give you both a bit of space before she heads home.

Tell her bye for now. You don’t need this stress rn

She's the one that insisted on flying out so she could help. You didn't ask her to do that. Holding babies is not the help you need after everything you went through. You are most definitely not selfish for asking her to help around the house, that's the whole point of her being there & if she expects you to pay for her accommodation so she can just sit and hold babies then she can fly back home & you can use that money to hire a cleaner instead. I get it, it's her grandchildren & they will never be this little again BUT she can cherish these moments once she's helped with housework. You won't get this time back either & it shouldn't be wasted on being stressed because of her. It takes a while to recover after having a straightforward delivery but you went through extra trauma & she needs to remember that. You are her child & your health should be her priority. You & your husband need to tell her to either act like a mother that gives a crap & actually help or go home & do NOT feel guilty for saying it!!!

Thanks everyone for the input. The boundary we are about to draw is that she’s here to help with housework, and that she can hold the babies only when we tell her to pick them up. And that we expect her to listen when we say out them down. If she doesn’t agree, then we will send her home

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