Feeling defeated
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@Max it was and it definitely made me feel a lot better. I just wish that wasn't the go-to.
@Amanda I’m glad it sounds like you all had a great conversation! I hope it’s leaving you all feeling better and more connected!
@Max thank you. We have talked about that argument since then. He did apologize to me and his dad, he admits he said it because he knew that would be the thing to hurt us the most and in that moment he was hurt because he felt that he wasn't meeting expectations that we had for him. So we just had to sit down and tell him that the only expectations we have are for him to be his happiest and best self. Us telling him to do something or us giving him corrections are just going to be tools so when he's older he can use them to his advantage to better himself however he feels necessary but that's our job as his parents. Luckily he understood everything and said that he doesn't want to live with his mom again he just said that out of anger and first to please not send him to her and to please not tell her what he said because he doesn't want her bothering him.
I understand things get said in arguments that hurt but deep down I think you should feel honored. He trusts you so much he feels safe getting angry and telling you how he truly feels. He may not have done it in the way you hoped but it’s progress. He’s trying to let you know he feels too much pressure to preform the right way right now, not that he actually wants to live with mom. Validate him, ask him how to make him feel better, then you can address his behavior if needed. Seems like you’re doing better than you realize.
@Natasha your definitely right
When he’s in a positive mood and you’re having a good day, I would ask him about his comments. Just to see if there’s any validity or whether he said it in the heat of the moment. I wouldn’t critique him for his outburst, but I would express that you felt very sad and upset by the conversation as you try to be there for him and support him. Sounds like he was just angry… and speaking about it when you’re both good and happy would probably be a good way of healing the situation. But sounds like you’re doing a great job.
@Lauren thank you im sure this will pass just not a great feeling at the moment
Kudos to you & Dad 🤩 When I was growing up dyscalculia was not really known. Learning disabilities are still being studied, ADHD included. So, growing up I just failed math tests, would triple-check, & still fail. I worked so hard that I made finance my career; I work with numbers/ $figures all day. Conversely, my sons get the math problems right without showing work. So I told the teachers I was not going to "fight" it; I wasn't going to have homework be this tug-of-war. I personally don't believe in homework bc to me, it fosters this mentality to do more work afterhours when that should've been done in the classroom/workplace. If homework is done, it should be for bonus credit (a.k.a. overtime). But I've never told my kids this; I just try to advocate for my sons when I can (help them learn how to respectfully speak up when they don't show their work). One not liking to be told they are wrong is probably human nature. The manner with which One handles it is maturity. Keep leading by example, Queen!
@Lauren thank you. We had him assessed due to how much he was struggling especially with his reading and we found out that he does have ADHD. He is taking additional tutoring as well as participating in homework club. We have a bunch of different types of counting material for him, fidget Spinners he's just always disliked having to show his work because he sees that as additional work. He doesn't like being told that he was wrong which is something we've been working on with him
You sound very intelligent & caring, so I think u will find ur words to convey how he hurt ur feelings. Since his math answers are wrong, I'd like to share some of my thinking. I have dyscalculia. I never knew growing up, & would get tests back & my mistakes were glaring after I'd looked at my work. So, just thinking, maybe u could position showing his work (I'm not suggesting u use any labels) as a way to see the way his brain works. My son has dyslexia & I tell my son that the more shares they give & showing their work really helps Adults understand their unique ways of thinking. I've used this example & ask: Me: What's ur favorite fruit? Kid/Adult: (Answers) Me: Now imagine describing that to someone that's never tasted it before. Imagine how a younger person would use their language/knowledge to describe it, especially when they are learning themselves. (My fav fruit is a pear..to me it tastes like warm sugary sand, is not too sweet, & can be very juicy like a burst of rain water in ur mouth.) Hugs.
@Yolii thank you. This is the third time he has said this since I've been in the picture. The first two times though were when visiting was still occurring. it's been over a year without any incident so it did seem extremely out of the blue and I think that's what made it hurt even more that things have just been getting better and better and this was just a low blow.
@Lynette we've had multiple discussions about how words can hurt people. I'm the one that usually takes him to therapy and the one that helps him with his feeling journals and things like that so he's very Mindful and very aware of the power one's words hold. It's just frustrating because he's extremely smart and that's the first thing he goes to. And this just happened last night but today he's acting like nothing happened and he is refusing to acknowledge why I seem distant but is bothered by the fact that I'm not doting on him and his sister like I normally would because I said I needed a little quiet time to myself.
Kids can say such hurtful things. If he acted out this way all the time I’d say dig deeper but from what it sounds like that this isn’t an all the time occurrence so it seems more like he feels comfortable to actively express his emotions. He’s going through things he may not even understand. Just keeping being loving kind and caring. And just remember that if he feels comfortable enough to let his emotions out while in a a vulnerable state then he loves you and knows you love him. Good luck momma ❤️❤️
I salute you for taking on those babies but I’m guessing that’s the only thing he can throw to upset you I’m sure he didn’t mean it though he nos you love him I’m sure xx
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Have you maybe tried talking to him agen !! Being a step mom is a hard job my Ss calls me mom now and refers to biological by name we’ve had our arguments we’re he thinks the grass is greener because she doesn’t give a shit with no boundaries but now he’s much older and a hard worker he understands exactly why we had rules boundaries and morals xxxx
It sounds like he’s just angry- when kids feel safe with caregivers they unfortunately also feel safe to fling their anger towards those same caregivers bc they feel secure in that love and know it will still be there- even if they say hurtful things. Consider yourself a container for him to store feelings he cant hold within himself. You can try to give them back to him by just validating that he feels frustrated and wishes he could live somewhere without any rules. (Be sure to also say that you have rules in your house to help him succeed and keep him safe.) Im sorry he hurt you, though. Sending your bruised heart a big hug.
10 and 5
@Amanda ok how old?
Step son and step daughter
What is ss and sd?
@Amanda yea it definitely sucks when someone’s first instinct is to lash out but it seems like you guys are doing a great job teaching him not to. You’ve already taught him what a lot of adults cannot do: Have a conversation of what went wrong, why, and how to move forward for different outcomes. In the process, he communicated his needs and apologized for hurting you. Being a kind person isn’t a perfection it’s a long hard practice.