Long venting post.
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Maybe try getting a therapist to talk to for you as an individual also, it will definitely help you mentally! Seems like you may be experiencing PPD or depression
Hey! I’m so glad I read until the end, because I really was hoping that you would bring up therapy. Im glad he said he would go, even if it’s just for “you” and not both of you. That’s a start! Honestly, you mentioned some good things about him, which gives me the idea that he isn’t all that bad. Men are wired so differently, and sometimes we expect them to do stuff that we want without telling them. But we really need to be upfront and forward! Even if you have to mention it a few times. Your feelings are totally valid and I really feel like maybe more communication, and like you mentioned therapy could really help you both. Don’t give up and try your best! ❤️ stay strong mama. Motherhood can be such a lonely journey even when we have partners, that’s why it’s important that your relationship with him is intact. Also, do you have anyone (friend or family) that you can meet up once a week and have some girl time? That makes a huge difference. ❤️
@Riana He really isn't a awful person I just don't think he needs those kind of validation to feel secure In our marriage so he doesn't think about doing them. I have brought some of these things up to him but he doesn't make the effort to change anything. Idk maybe he forgot. I always feel like I am asking him for something more emotionally in our relationship and he never asks or says he needs anything more or different from me even when i ask him so it just makes me feel like I'm just being needy and asking for too much. I really don't have any family or friends I can meet up with or talk to about this stuff so it makes it extra hard. And I know it makes it harder for him too because I'm lonely and it makes me even more needy towards him because he is the only consistent person in my life sadly...
I’m really sorry you feel this way. I didn’t want to read and go but I know you have said every time you try and speak to him he doesn’t seem interested or you feel like he is not interested in what you have to say however have you ever sat him down and told him you would like to speak or even ask him to schedule a day you can both sit down and speak? When I say to speak I don’t mean about your day, I mean bringing up all these feelings you have put here about your relationship. The need to be felt like you are wanted or needed by him, that you need him in more ways than you currently have him, that you miss him and need more intimacy on his side (not just sex but everything) etc. couples therapy can be great and it’s great he is open to it also but but I’m wondering if you can resolve this before having to spend the extra money. Mummy groups are also a great place to start with getting more friends and especially places like here were people are willing to meet.
@Tiffany hugs to you! It's not a fun place to be in and takes a toll on your mental health. I truly hope things can get better for you! You deserve happiness outside of being a mom too!(I struggle with feeling that way and taking my own advice🤦♀️)
It sounds like his love language is acts of service and yours might be words of affirmation and physical touch. That’s the same for me and my husband and I told him, think about these things as acts that you can do to show me that you love me, complimenting me, rubbing my back, hugging me spontaneously, those are services I need to feel like you love me. It takes a while to understand that and remember to do it but ultimately it sounds like he’s trying to show you he loves you but it’s just a language barrier going on here
Seems like this may be a typical case of conflict of love languages. His seem to be acts of service (doing things for you, dropping off your sister, making breakfast, buying something that was broken so you didn’t have to) whereas yours may be words of affirmation and physical touch (?) (him letting you know he loves you, knowing each other deeply, overall intimacy). Since your love languages are so different I’d venture a guess that he feels like he’s not seen or heard either. Knowing my husband’s love language and him knowing mine made such a difference in our relationship. Perhaps you should give that a shot. But first and foremost you both need to be nicer to each other. You’re on the same team and in a critical phase. Good luck. x
@Alex I swear I replied before I saw your reply! You’re absolutely correct
For instance, my love language is physical touch and gift giving whereas my husband’s is words of affirmation and quality time. We always had one part overlap - physical touch + quality time = sex. But the rest was lacking. I was giving him gifts all the time and he did nothing but tell me how much he loved me and that’s where the disconnect was. I was loving him in MY love language instead of his. Once I started giving him words of affirmation and him giving me gifts (not expensive stuff - like going to the supermarket and getting me a £3 bunch of flowers or bringing me my favourite chocolate), things started flowing much easier. Be patient with each other. Especially if baby is still young this is a very hard time on both of you.
Hi Taylor, I’m so glad you had the courage to share your feelings. I hope between this group and a therapist, you can get some resolution. My situation has similarities, my husband and I are so busy that we often talk about baby/household stuff but nothing more. Intimacy is lacking and since giving birth - it just feels like we talk past each other, a lot. I’m not a big social media person that a friend shared this and it helps. It’s an easy way to touch base & discuss uncomfortable conversations in a routine way that feels less judgmental. This has helped me press my point about needing more 1:1 time with my husband discussing everything US & not chores, baby, bills etc. Aside from that my therapist pointed out communication style differences that generate misunderstandings between us that have helped me. Super glad to hear that your hubby is open to attending with you; I think it’ll help immensely. https://www.instagram.com/p/CnPcJ80uxOb/?igshid=MDJmNzVkMjY=
You need to learn each others love language and see how you can fill each others love cup while not neglecting your own needs. You both have a different love language- it’s very obvious, and not knowing each others love languages is akin to not knowing each others language and having a communication barrier except it’s just a love barrier 💁🏻♀️ you can’t fulfill his needs if you don’t learn what they are. As for the jealousy thing, well, you’ll need to reach out yourself and make some new friends. Just because he’s got friends, we should be happy for them, not jealous, and If you are jealous and projecting them onto him- well then you gotta try harder on your end to find your bestie or find some friends that you can chill with
It sounds to me like you have a few communication issues. I think you’d both find counselling really helpful and it’s a great sign that he’s willing to do that with you. I hope you manage to work things out. In the meantime, I think you’d really benefit from cultivating your own social life a little bit. Join some groups or classes locally, do some meet-ups. Just put yourself out there a bit. ❤️
**virtual hugs** @Taylor I understand whole heartedly what you are going through... everything!!! I ask that you over communicate those feelings wants and needs. SOME men need to be reminded constantly; I reminded mine once every week. (I feel my attention meter on on E!) I tell you it took some time and crying but he eventually got it; for now 😏. I had a moment a few weeks ago and I expressed how I resented him for things and I honestly don't mind him gaming with a friend golfing etc but I need you too be present in this family/marriage! You come home and hope right on the game after shower and then I only get the last hr of you day and you knock out... that's not what I need! I need you to dote on me sometime... smoother me sometimes. I feel ignored... and neglected at times! Girl I could right a damn book lol but I get what your going through 🩷
Men don’t know what they don’t know if we don’t communicate to them…. Yes they are in the clueless box. I hear you and your feelings are valid… communication is key but how you go about it and the tone of your voice will help too. Yes seeing a therapist will help you vent and talk about your issues. It’s is great u will be seeking this care. Remember he is NOT your source of answer to all your problems. Yes he will always fall short of what you needs are. He will not do thing’s perfectly right. Marriage is hard but if you both commit to the work and help each other through it you will design a wonderful life together. Praying blessings over your marriage!
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My husband and I saw a therapist and it was very helpful. I think it’s great that he is open to it. We did some sessions together and others separate. A little bit of work individually and as a couple can go a long way!
Know you are not alone. We did therapy before we had our son and nothing changed. I’m at a loss as to what to do next. I also feel alone and am sad most days. Lately I’ve been thinking that going to therapy to learn how to cope with all these feelings, it might help some. IDK
@Tiffany looks like you and I are almost living same life🤣🤣
We all have things we can work on… so don’t beat yourself up over that! Not sure if you’re looking for advice here but my inbox is always open!