Living with the intense gamer and screen reliant spouse with ADHD

My husband has always been a gamer. I knew this fact when walked into marriage 8 years ago. I accepted his need for instant gratification, being achievement focused and the hyper fixation of it all. Over time, the fixation grew and grew to where now I think he can’t function without a screen for stimulation. For context, last week he had an outpatient procedure where he’s be knocked out with mild anesthesia. We were in recovery and not even five minutes of him being awake, he grabs his iPad to watch a show and check on a mobile game. I respond, “Can I have just 5 minutes with you? You just had a procedure and are in recovery?” Still very loopy, he looks at me and says, “ I just remember I was watching this before I went back and wanted to finish the episode is all.” He needs to game for at least 3 hours after work, sometimes during work (works from home) to decompress from the workday. This number has actually decreased as it was at least 6 hours of gaming. Unfortunately, this leaves me with the hefty load of caring for our now 2yo, cleaning, making meals, errands, communication correspondence and generally all house and life related tasks. I also work from home part-time with a demanding career and take care of our LO full time. Our LO also has sleep issues and wakes throughout the night, where I’m the dominant parent attending his needs for comfort and support. This has been my reality since he was born. Sleep is a distant friend of here I have no support. I’m doing all the good parenting things for this, setting up sleep studies checking adenoids, alternating bed-sharing and room sharing, reducing stimuli like screens lights music around bedtime etc. (don’t need feedback about that area). My husband also requires the TV or some device to be on to have conversation or intentional family he will flat out go to sleep. I do not want to dismiss all of the positive my husband adds to the family. He’s generally kind and when he’s engaged with our LO there’s genuine connection. There has been an increase with being intentional about family time and he provides well financially and in some emotional capacity. He’s always been my person but there has been so much lack over the past few years. I know a huge piece is simply living through a pandemic and developing normalcy in the confines of our space. I’ve always lead with grace and understanding and now I’m just overwhelmed. Do I feel grateful that he wants to spend time with us, even if we’re in front of a blaring screen from the time he gets off to the time we go to sleep? Do I accept my husband needs another kind of stimulation while connecting with me? This is me venting. If anyone is in the same boat and has compassion or ways they’ve moved through this kind of relationship, I’m open.

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My husband is a gamer and I spend most evenings alone. He plays those in the basement and I’m putting both kids to bed in the meantime. He could be down there from 8pm until 4am if it’s the weekend. I can understand your position for sure.

Hi my hubby has ADHD as do 2 of the children, he used to be very very screen (ps4 mainly) dependant. As have the kids been, we have started using a lot less and he’s now only gaming at weekends for a couple of hours and with the kids so connecting, the most beneficial thing I think that’s helped us all is actually addressing the ADHD and things that can help it such a supplements, good diet, fresh air and melatonin for sleep related issues. It’s not perfect and sometimes he needs to just game the day away which i’m alright with as it’s not hours a day. He’s an amazing dad and hubby but realistically with 3 kids and another on the way we couldn’t keep up with how it was. Things that really help those with ADHD are stimulants such as energy drinks and coffee as they work the opposite way to neurotypical people so we have found if he takes his vitamins/supplements in the morning they help during the working day and then if he has a coffee or energy drink mid afternoon that helps him calm

his thoughts/actions until he gets home then a walk with the dog and kids and a healthy dinner/ family time with no screens at all. Coffee before bed and melatonin. x

My husband is a gamer. We used to fight about it a lot because he does not make much time for me. I eventually convinced him to open the marriage. I love him, and I still want to be married to him, but I'm 26, not 53, and I feel like I should have more fun in my relationship.

My partner is a gamer and I'm not and it has now lead us to be apart. We have broken up. He games every night when gets home from work and weekends he will play until 3am most sat nights. He also goes to darts M-W nights gone from 7 till 9-11pm at night. I'm left to raise our 7 month old son on my own cook, clean etc while he games and lives the single/relationship life.

@Alexus Maaaan you just gave me a little edge to ask about opening our relationship. Love this man and what we’ve built so far but he’s booooooring. I know this is off topic, but was he understanding?

I'm in the same boat except my husband doesn't seem to want to spend time with baby girl or me. I'm lucky I have friends and family or else I would be a lot more lonely than I am.. I love our baby girl and I'm great at the whole single-mom married life but damn it's annoying to have someone there but they refuse to BE there.

My spouse is a gamer but so am I. We also both have ADHD so we tend to spend alot of time separately. It's tough sometimes communicating is key. It's hard for people with ADHD but woman and men are also different when it comes to ADHD. You need to communicate how it makes you feel and about the distance but it's easier said then done. I would suggest trying to spend time together doing things he tends to enjoy. My fiance and I play WoW together and ghost hunting games. We often watch movies we both like and sometimes it leads to intimate moments. I'll rub his back while we watch TV or suggest some outside activities. It sucks having ADHD and also having to navigate someone with ADHD. You can definitely address ADHD but everyone handles it differently. I am un-medicated myself.

@Kyrsten I can resonate with this. Being present and having presence are totally different. It’s sucks that “Single-mom married life” is a thing to have to move through.

@Kayonna I appreciate your feedback and for offering resolutions. I’m communicate enough, it feels like. It’s not like I’m totally against having fun and sharing what makes him happy. I absolutely game with him when I can. I’ve played halo, war frame, MK, Skyrim, Diablo, D&D, and countless others. We’ve made it fun. We created some routines. He doesn’t like that I’m not a gamer like him, getting lost in the game. I’ve always felt like I don’t have that “luxury.” Someone has to be the anchor and tap in to the toddler, the family, the cooking the cleaning, work etc. What peeves me is the “excessiveness” and feeling powerless, coming second to his thrills. This has been expressed before. I’m not sure what else I can do. I’ve expressed that it has impacted my mental health and self esteem and that has turned a corner this month. He agreed to get help. I’m empathetic. I know what it’s like to hit a wall, to forget, on some level that’s why I’m still here.

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