I've had both types of partners. My son's biological father never held or fed or played with him much at all. It was 99% me. My husband now is SO helpful with our sons and baby girl together. A helpful partner is such a game-changer and makes parenting so much easier and more fun. That's how it should be. Not because of roles/breadwinner/nurture. But because children deserve to be loved and bond with both parents.
@Kelly certain fabrics like jeans and tee shirts it's like nails on a chockboard but for touch instead of hearing. I have finally found things that I'm interested in for the first time since I can really remember I wish I just had the time to spend on reading and learning like my husband does doing whatever he wants when he wants. I'm open to chat if you'd like to message me 😊
@Kelly yes! I wish I could be like my husband see the mess and just not care man but I can't I just literally can't if I'm not dealing with kids I'm cleaning, all day every day it's exhausting and irritating, I can't just ignore the mess maybe bc my mother induced panic everyday before her bf would get home from work to get the house spotless so we wouldn't get screamed at and beat for toys on the floor but it never mattered how hard or long we scrubbed the house he would scream at us and beat us anyways bc it was just so disgusting and we were just so disgusting, I have struggled with the panic everytime my house is a mess but no matter how much I clean, how spotless it is I still feel it's so disgusting so crazy how that experienced affects me now. I hate the feeling of water on my hands I have cried on the floor many times bc the dishes needed washed and I was struggling with the texture of wet silverware and my skin after being wet alittle just makes me cringe so bad. When I push through it I can't touch
@Sierra I completely get where your coming form as well sweetie, I am so exhausted at night that I need a shower but can't be arsed and I have no idea what I'm interested in anymore, I feel like becoming a mum has taken over me completely like I've lost myself a bit I forgot that I'm not just mum and also me my jobs are never finished, my living room is a mess full of toys am I going to tody them up probably not well I say that but then the mess just frustrates me i emd uo dojnf it anyway xx
To me. My husband gets home and decodes to run with his dad to do whatever or go to the fle market or maybe he wants to lay in bed and watch reels for 3 hours until the kids are taken care of and put in bed. In public he will take a kid, he will help with kids and the praise infuriates me bc he don't do that shit at home, in public yeah so he don't "look bad" he's told me like wtf ew. He'll I'm so damn tired I don't have the energy to shower at night, he can take a whole sauna shower, trim his beard, moisturize, watch shorts, talk on the phone with his brother, and then try to get some. It's slowly getting better bc I refuse to do it all my damn self. I have no time to take care of myself just the bare minimum, eat, brush my freaking hair. The time I get late at night I try to just learn what I'm interested in. No ones asking for exact 50/50 really I think women just want a damn family and partnership not raising kids herself with a roommate.
I don't think this post was meant for those whose husband's do their part, sounds more like a dad that just let's the mom do it, sees her struggling, exhausted. Women chock it up to just feeding and cuddling babies. Maybe thats what some do but while my husband is at work I'm making food 20 times a day bc my kids are just always starving, always getting into shit, always climbing on everything especially the 2 year old man if I'm helping my 5 year old for a second the 2 year old is on the counter or the 3 year old is trying to Crack all the eggs or pump out all the dish soap. If we're struggling that month it's up to me to get everything paid or get food or we won't get it. I make their appointments, I take them, I shop for them, I take them to my Dr with me, I do their meetings with their teacher, all their activities, I plan their days, I get them what they need, I dress them 6x a day, bath them, hair, teeth, blah blah every little thing that needs to get done, I need to remember to do it's all just up
@Sydnie #micdrop.u said it all
I think appreciation should always be the main goal not competing with who does more or who is more important. The bar is lower for the men yes. But it is not easy changing diapers or feeding babies or taking care of them period. I think we all can use some words of affirmation when it comes to keeping a tiny human happy and alive.
I agree with some people here that said partners need to uphold each other for the parts they play. It is not easy and it is not the bare minimum. Yes it is the jobs of the dads to do their part to support but many don't. It takes discipline and dedication and despite it being expected, they should be celebrated for doing it consistently. You are appreciated at work for doing your expected tasks aren't u. Some companies do appreciating lunches or dinners etc. Would you say they shouldn't because the work is expected for them to get paid?
Both parents should both receive recognition for doing their part in raising their kid, it makes both of them feel good about themselves when they’re both possibly struggling. People just say anything anymore
I think in a partnership we should both appreciate each other (and that means expressing our gratitude!!). Words of affirmation are soooo encouraging to both parties. I’m not sure about you guys but I loveeeee to feel appreciated ( even for something small like doing dishes). It’s all about communication, patience, and understanding. Also, it’s helpful if both parties recognize that nobody is perfect and it’s okay to not get it right the first time. A partnership/marriage/relationship isn’t supposed to be about going to war with each other. Work together as a team and you’ll see that.
Damn…. Never thought about it like this but that’s exactly how I feel all the time!!! 🤯
My partner is great at these things but I found reading this (the bar being so high for mum) so relatable. Is it bad that I almost feel he should be doing way more, but don’t want to mention it because he’s doing the things he can between work, maybe it’s because I’m doing more that I feel this way? Anyone else relate ???
@Jess yes they get praised as a heroic unicorn of a dad for doing the BARE MINIMUM 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 because the bar has been set ridiculously low for them. Our bar is set so high you need huge crane to reach it. We do the same things day in and day out and it goes unnoticed and under appreciated. Most mothers are not treated like fathers are.
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I think, "thank god I married a man and not a boy"
We're supposed to share responsibilities
I think if you detract from the emotion this post has created, what it is really getting at is that when men do the basics of parenting, they are considered and seen to be a great dad.
This is not the same for mothers. Just doing the basics is seen as the bare minimum.
Showing appreciation to each other should be standard and actually detracts from the point of the post.
My husband thanks me for cleaning, I'll thank him as well. It's true that as the default parent, I tend to have to ask my husband to change a diaper or wash the dishes, etc. But that's because his main job right now is to get through medical school. So I don't expect him to know and do everything I do. I tell him what needs to be done and he helps. It's not like I can return the favor and help him study for his Step 2 exam coming up in 2 months, but I can take on the main child care role. There may come a day when I can expect him to remember or notice more without me telling him, but for now, I need him to succeed in his role so we can have a better future
@Sadie I say "thank you" explicitely to every little action I see he does. He does it too 🙂 But I don't take it for granted.. I agree we need to team up and be thankfull for eachother's participation at home on top if our respective responsibilities 🤗
I do believe it is a social thing that needs to go as well. In Canada, the dather gets 5 weeks partially paid (I believe it is few weeks 75% and rest 55%) and my biyfriend negociated an extra 2 weeks paid on his job to stay at home with me. He does it ALL as I am on rest for medical reasons but never complaint as he is prepping to be an active parent in our child's life 🤗 it should always be a 2 persons thing on my opinion (add the village here to raise the child as well)
I’m great fyp to have a wonderful loving man and my baby has a dad who wants so many more babies 🏽
My husband and I went to the shops yesterday with baby and we went to different restaurants at the food court. He took baby in the Pram with him and got told he was a good dad. We laughed about it when we got back to the table because there is no way I would have been told I was a good mum for being alone with baby lol
Woaah. This went to far. I will always praise my husband for being an amazing father just as he praises me for being a good mother. Yes the titles were giving but there's a difference in a father "just doing it" or actually being a father. Don't listen to this mess.. praise your man!!!
@Kitty the poor parental leave and healthcare system in the US sound like big concerns, but what I find really shocking is the fact that women can’t abort babies they don’t want to or are unable to support and can’t even end pregnancies that are endangering their lives!
Our little darling isn’t even born yet and is already smothered with so much love! I just find it so sad that some babies will spend their entire childhoods stuck with parents that don’t love them (and equally sad for those stuck with children they don’t want).
And all this is happening in a world that’s already overpopulated by humans, in a country that is overwhelmed with children in social care. And the most ironic thing is that women don’t even have control of their own bodies in a country that calls itself the land of the free 😢
@Ashely hubs and I take shifts. My shift is while he's at work and his shift is when he gets home:).
My husband is my partner, we split everything. If your man gets away with not being a father/ husband and helping around the house, that seems like a personal problem.
Absolutely & I feel like so much pressure on the mom
@Kitty it definitely wasn't always that way in NZ but I'm glad it is today though there are still some improvements that need to be done.
Your dad sounds like a great man, and go coca cola 😂
There is so much work to be done in your country/change that needs to happen. It cant happen all at once but hopefully some day soon someone starts making moves for those changes to happen.
For things such as retirement our country has something we call kiwisaver where a percentage of our pay goes into it to save for retirement and it's invested. On top of the pension we will receive from the government once we retire.
Does the US have anything like that?
Barely anything has changed for paternity leave in our country since. You can possibly qualify for FLMA, but that is unpaid unless your employer chooses to pay. So it’s no wonder why men don’t even get much of a chance to be part of that very important period to help support moms after birth and the newborn stage. Many moms are forced to do it alone if they don’t have a village to help. Our country boasts about caring about mothers, fathers, and families. But in truth actions speak louder than words and the old men in congress don’t care because they didn’t have to raise their children or support their wife except for financially. Sorry I hijacked this post, but these are huge issues many women and men are facing around the globe. The USA’s population is shrinking and there’s worry about the future workforce being able to support the Social Security system. At this rate I won’t be able get SS benefits when I retire. It will be gone even though I paid into it since I was 16.
My dad got back and it wasn’t time to go yet. My mom woke him up from a cat nap and said her water broke. She could barely walk down the stairs and she was in so much pain she couldn’t have driven to the hospital because they were too close together. My mom had complications and he asked the other supervisor if he could stay at the hospital longer because she wasn’t well. The nurses were on strike at this time too and my mom needed help and couldn’t even pick me up out of the bassinet. He said no you had 1 day. So my dad said he couldn’t work for them and his family needed him so he resigned on the spot. And here’s one of the best parts of my birth story…a couple of weeks later he got hired at their rival Coca-Cola Bottling Co👏🏻😂. He worked there till he retired. One of the reasons he loved working there is because they valued their workers families more that Pepsi did. FYI we are a Coca Cola family and Pepsi ain’t aloud in this house 😂.
@Dana thank you for your kind reply! Thankfully men have universal paternity in your country. Most men in our country don’t any paternity leave(FMLA). So back in the day(the 80’s) my dad had 1 day off for the birth of a baby. When he got the call he had just started a new job with Pepsi Cola that week in the bottling plant. He told his new boss he needed to leave because his wife was in labor. His boss was an asshole and told him no he needed to stay and work unless someone else came in early to take his shift. This was 3rd shift overnights. My dad respectfully told him no he needed to go take care of his wife and take her to the hospital incase her contractions were too strong to drive herself. He repeated his answer of no again. My dad said ok well I’m leaving then. He told him if he left he’d be fired. As my dad walked out he said he wasn’t going to miss the birth of his baby girl and my mom needed his support.
Wow! This post comes off so aggressive. Yikes!
I can only say that everyone likes to be noticed and acknowledged for things we do, even if it’s something expected of us! Both parents should contribute equally and appreciated equally 💕
@Meryem true facts. My husband has older children and was never allowed to be the father he could be. It’s all about the woman that’s in his corner and can show him he’s doing the best he can at all times
i will show appreciation to my husband a million time! Men are still men and most of them are worthless. I have the chance to have a man who is caring, loving, helpful, faithful… I will say thank you every time he helps. Let’s stop this borderline “feminism” way of thinking. It’s disturbing and it creates so many problems and it ruins relationships.
Men who didn’t have father role models or father figures deserve to receive all types of praises just like moms do. Being a parent is equally hard in men like it is for women.
@Kitty we are definitely very lucky in our country.
Though men can only get 2-3weeks of unpaid parental leave which is disappointing as although your paid it's not necessarily your full income, so your your down on your income so you can't afford the other to take unpaid time. But say you wanted your partner to take some or all of the paid parental leave to be the stay at home parent you can give your parental leave to your partner .
Yes I remember hearing about Roe vs Wade being overturned it's so disappointing and feels like the world is going backwards not forwards in progression!
I'm sorry you had medical issues and on top of that could not take more time off when your baby was born. Definitely not right that it affects that leave when it's something you needed to do for the health and safety of your baby (and potentially yourself).
I hope what women (and men) are entitled to in your country in the future improves!
@Ana yea to this!!! Also don’t forget it starts with their own upbringing. Their parent/parents need to teach them to take initiative while they’re growing up and not have to tell them what they have to do all of the time. That way they don’t expect us to do it all for them because they were babied till they turned 40 🤦🏽♀️. My husband didn’t learn how to do laundry till he went to college…yes college!!! I didn’t find out till we were married 😳. That was one of many red flags I missed and didn’t know about. So mamas of boys for the sake of our relationships and future children please raise them so they can contribute to the household and child rearing so we don’t have to “nag” or ask them to do the bare minimum. Plus look up weaponized incompetence, because many men do this to get out of contributing!!!!!
Amen 🙏🏽 to that. But it starts with us mom allowing men to be active participants in children’s care and upbringing without constantly verbally saying they can’t do it like us.
pregnancies even if they medically need an abortion to save their own life or were raped in some states 😢. Also time taken off work due to pregnancy complications can be counted against the 12 weeks of family and medical leave. So in my instance with my first baby I was hospitalized from 30-35 wks. My baby came via C-section at 35 wks. So I spent a big portion of my maternity leave in the hospital before baby was born and that was disappointing and very sad.
@Dana that’s great your country values mothers and families! We do not have a universal maternity leave in our country at all that is paid, 0. We have what’s called FMLA(Family Medical Leave Act). To be eligible: Employees are eligible for leave if they have worked for their employer at least 12 months, at least 1,250 hours over the past 12 months, and work at a location where the company employs 50 or more employees within 75 miles. Unpaid leave is for:
• For the birth and care of the newborn child of an employee;
• For placement with the employee of a child for adoption or foster care;
• To care for an immediate family member (i.e., spouse, child, or parent) with a serious health condition; or
• To take medical leave when the employee is unable to work because of a serious health condition.
And that’s only part of the reason our citizens are having less babies, because we don’t get the support. Plus now Roe Vs Wade has been overturned, so women are forced to continue their
My husband and I split everything 50/50. I support his goals, he supports mine and we both compromise around our children, he drops them at school in morning, I pick them up. He makes them breakfast, I make them tea, he baths them I put them to bed. It’s never babysitting everything is shared equally. If I get overstimulated he takes over and let’s me disappear for as long as I need to gather myself : same goes for him. A partnership is about working together. I’m just lucky enough to have a husband who’s all for equality. :) I feel like the archaic notion is fading over time xx
@Elizabeth agreed if there is gratitude for each other than that’s all that matters. Unfortunately we can’t force people outside of the relationship/partnership/ co-parting (whatever it is) to give the same gratitude and acknowledgment to us. When my boyfriend goes out he always gets a compliment and I see if for the first time two weeks ago. When I go out I get a compliment in regards to how pretty and precious my baby is. At this point I’ll freaking take it because it’s a reflection of me I got up and made that child presentable to today so thank you. I baked that baby in my belly for 9 months so thank you. It’s a reach but it works for me.
@Ashley| PMAD Counselor yes I really resonated with the get out the way and let dad parent. One of my classmates, who was significantly older than me told me this. Stop being the first to always jump up and tend to the baby. Let him be a father stop taking that from him and ever since then it’s been such a easier process on me of not feeling like the primary parent when he is home.
@Talitha but it’s pouring out how dads are praised for doing what they should be doing every so often while mums are ‘just doing their jobs’ when they do childcare alone the majority of the time. Same job: parenting just the responses are different. Women should be praised for being mums too
I think what @Team Peanut is saying is that externally men get praised for doing things that they should be doing regardless.
I had this conversation with my mother when she said “isn’t he such a good dad?!” when he changed a nappy.
Would that comment ever have been made if I’d been doing it? Not a chance.
In your relationship should you be grateful for each other and praise a job well done? Totally. Parenthood is hard. Appreciation goes a long way. xx