I dated a man who struggled with alcohol for several years. We separated bc of his alcohol abuse. From experience, he has to want to change, you can't make him. As another suggested, you could write him a letter. He could read it or you could read it out loud to him. Let him know that behavior is unacceptable now, or he'll continue, thinking you condone it. He might be defensive and refuse to take accountability. Hopeful he recognizes how crappy those episodes are for you and would definitely be for his kids. Best of luck girl, keep your head up ❤️
I’m so sorry your dealing with this it sounds like her needs AA
If he’s getting so drunk that he’s peeing in places other than the bathroom that is straight up an alcohol problem! Im sorry, but I would not put up with that. You AND your babies are worth so much more. Yeah maybe he’s nervous but wtf does drinking THAT MUCH fix? & calling out of work? That just sounds extremely irresponsible. I honestly would tell him he needs to get his sh*t together or you’re outta there! You have to put yourself and those babies first. They need you to.
He needs to grow the fuck up and quick. I would be sitting him down to have a serious sober conversation!! Not ok!! Poor you!
I am sorry this has happened even once. I havent read everyone else's comments so only going based off what I have read. I hope he changes and I hope this never, ever happens again.
Wow, I am so sorry you are going through this! Even reading this gave me anxiety for you. He definitely has a major problem, this behavior is unacceptable. . This continues this is what your young children are going to witness, daddy drunk again stumbling and pissing where ever, that will be their reality. That will be their norm whether is happens often or a couple times a month/year. As a man, father, protector, provider he should be making you- who is pregnant with not one but TWO of his babies feel safe ALL the time. Safe in your home, safe around him. An intoxicated person like this has no damn idea what he's doing (clearly given this situation). I'd suggest doing major re- evaluation of whether you want to be with a person like this- not only for this issue but also you mentioned he blows off work if he doesn't feel like going. I'm sorry but your a grown adult with big responsibilities coming very soon, that is something a teenager or very immature person would do.
Video tape him pissing in the bedroom next time and leave it for him to clean up. That way he can see how he looks and have to deal with the consequences. He needs to pace himself or he can’t drink at home. Paying for drinks at a bar surrounded by witnesses might slow him down.
@Monét oh she must have edited her post. If it happens often, I agree.
You can’t make him get help. All we can do is help ourselves. https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/find-an-al-anon-meeting/
@Ammie its not her problem. As much as that might be true, us women are natural empaths and that kind of thinking causes us to remain in abusive relationships. In the end two people end up needing therapy. Plus the kids if any!
@Hayley he’s done this more than once. It’s showing he doesn’t have self control, which means that any time he drinks is potential for him to act out. She doesn’t need to worry about this pregnant. And she definitely doesn’t need to worry about this after the babies are here.
I mean I would be mad but i’d get over it. You said this doesn’t happen often so unless theres more to the story I don’t see a reason to “change”. People make mistakes.
@GeAnna Marie That is very true, it’s just so unbelievably hard not to believe them when they claim they’re sober and working on themselves and you don’t know any different, I also don’t like that Canada is so lenient on both parents having 50/50 custody when the father only cares about his next drink but they believe child would be better with both parents. Truly can be a scary world out there and I wish everyone could just be healthy and safe!
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@Carolyn but that’s what I’m saying, it has to be a boundary. A healthy one. You determine that. It’s not your job to help anyone who doesn’t want to be helped.
@GeAnna Marie that is so confusing though because truly you’re just trying to help them see their potential and I’ve seen cases where the father went to prison and STILL gets visitation rights, it’s like we’re being punished for their wrong doings and it seems like that’s why it keeps continuing 😓
@Carolyn yes I agree. If you do not set healthy boundaries… You are showing them exactly that and there are not only at risk of losing your children but losing your mind and your life. Recognizing that saved me and my children honestly. A toxic person chasing addiction will help you lose EVERYTHING if you let them. The key here was fixing ME not them.
@GeAnna Marie ahhh I see, it isn’t available in my country so I wasn’t aware of it but thank you for teaching me! It’s a little confusing having the same acronym I wonder if they’re aware of that but I also don’t know a lot of people who either have deaf parents or know any deaf/HOH individuals. I was also under the impression (at least where I am) that if we allow that kind of behaviour in the child’s life than we’re at greater risk of losing custody of the child because it’s essentially “enabling” the bad behaviour and not setting good examples for the little ones since they’re so impressionable. An example would be my friend was recently hospitalized by her child’s father and they threatened to take her children away from her if she continued to go back to him.
That’s alcoholism right there and he’s peeing all over the place. He has no control and needs to get some and stop. This can’t be a habit. My husband is an alcoholic but inactive ( choosing not to drink) he still occasionally will have 1-2 beers but stops after that so doesn’t get drunk anymore bc he can’t handle it. Your husband can’t either from the sound of it. He has to stop and listen to you or this could be time to separate. Alcoholics tend to become very abusive too toward everyone in their homes. He needs to stop if not for his health for his kids. He has a family to look out for now.
I’d write everything down in a letter and give it to him. Maybe he needs to see it in writing to see how unacceptable his actions are x
@Carolyn al anon is a great option as well though!
@Carolyn no it’s codependent anonymous. The website is coda.org. I attend multiple meetings a week.
@Ammie this is what it was for mine. They deal with a lotttt especially as provider and also adjusting to these new roles and phases of life. Once I learned what was going on in his head I was able to show up for him in the way that he needed me.
@Sarah I never was with anyone like that. I’m a nurse and have taken care of many patients with that diagnosis. You think all that drinking is fun, just wait until you have to live with yellow skin, big belly you have to go and get fluid drained as much as needed, have to drink a medication every day to make you have watery poop bc your liver can’t filter stuff out for you anymore. I mean I’m not trying to judge people, I just see the affects. So if it’s someone you love, it’s important to get them help. And if they can’t accept it I think like you said it takes too much of an emotional toll. Especially for a mom who is already doing everything in the household and taking care of the children
Yes he has a problem. This sounds so frustrating to deal with. When he’s sober you might have to give him an ultimatum. He needs help.
You need to lay it out for him, that is extremely troubling and unsafe behavior and you will need to remove yourself and your babies (or kick him out) if it continues. Make a contingency plan, be safe 🙏 prayers for you and your lovely babies
So sorry you have to go through that. But he definitely needs help. That is too much. He can’t even just have a drink at home without getting so drunk he’s going to just pee anywhere. He needs to quit and go to AA. Sounds like he drinks a lot and if he keeps going that way he will just end up with alcoholic cirrhosis of the liver. Also he needs to be there to help you with the babies. I have 2 under 2 I can’t imagine twins.
@GeAnna Marie the only time I have heard CODA is “child of deaf adults” as I have two deaf parents, are you referring to Al-Anon for individuals who have been affected by others drinking problems
There is an app called ‘hiwell’ you can connect with a phycologists online either on a call or video call. I haven’t used the app but heard good things about it I think you have 15mins free to get a feel of the phycologist before you book an appointment. Try to find someone you feel might help then get your husband involved.
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Yeah no, I even asked my hubby and he agreed that's he needs to take steps to change his behavior RIGHT NOW or he needs to leave because this is such incredibly dangerous behavior
I have been here before. I would rescue and save my children’s father over and over and over again. He still chose his addiction. I am codependent. I save and rescue people and get upset when they don’t want to help themselves. I struggled to set boundaries with him and he continuously crossed them. It was causing me to obsess and almost cost me my sanity. My advice to you (because I see me in you) is to focus on YOU! It will be hard, it will be weird, but it works. I am in recovery and I go to CODA meetings. The miracles I am experiencing are beautiful! It’s similar to AA but for codependency. I hope this helps.
Id kick him out and leave him out there
Does he get this drunk every time he drinks? There’s a word for that. And you absolutely do not have to deal with it. No problem with drinking during the week, on a random night, having a drink alone etc etc, but when you drink yourself stupid repeatedly, that’s a problem.
I’d fucking kill him , not gonna sugar coat it. Omg.
I don’t know if it can get better but I’ve limited contact with him until I see actual proof he’s willing to change for the better and so far he likes to say “I hate that I have to change to make other people happy” when he is far from happy whenever he is drunk so I’ve just stopped encouraging his sobriety as at the end of the day it has to be his choice and no one can make it for him. I’m so sorry you’re going through this and I’m here if you ever need someone to talk to as I was raised with alcoholic parents & grandparents and I’m trying to break the generational curse — we can only do what’s best for ourselves and little ones, stay strong as best as you can because you’re doing a great job if no one has told you that yet today!! ♥️
This sounds similar to me and my boyfriends situation, I actually kicked him out of my house because he lied to me and told me he wasn’t drinking (he was hiding his empty cans in my spare bedroom and actually went as far as to say “here try my drink it’s not alcohol” and it was pure alcohol, I was furious) he is also the type to message friends for gratification on whether he’s right or wrong and a female friend of his who has 3 children and her child’s father is in prison for selling drugs she encouraged his drinking because “he deserves to let loose when he wants to since he works so hard” it made me so mad because I have a background working in childcare and I’m taking time off of work because my father passed away very suddenly at 52 and hearing children talk about their dads was a huge trigger for me and I was struggling mentally. I feel so strongly for you because I know the feeling that you’re already taking care of a child and they aren’t even born yet —
4.) The relationship your children see is what their mature adult relationships will resemble, they seek out people with the same behaviors and traits odd enough. You’re their first influence into a healthy functioning relationship, that’s a big responsibility! Make sure you’re setting a good example by requiring respect compassion ect. 🥰
Wait until he’s sober, maybe talk about him getting AA counseling or just therapy in general. Personally I’ve been very close with a lot of alcoholics and that sounds like the beginning of an addiction if not already and, myself; being the product of an alcoholic parent don’t recommend that you expose your children to it. There are 1.) A bunch of men in the sea don’t settle for one that doesn’t meet your standards anymore. After having children and becoming a mother you mature and change in ways it’s hard to understand, especially to men. 2.) You deserve somebody who would respect your boundaries and respect your very basic needs. 3.) Never should you have to clean your grown ass partners urine. 🤷🏻♀️ Sending you love over here, you’re doing a great job momma❤️
It sounds like he needs some professional help.
I learned… men don’t change for babies.
Your husband could be fighting a lot of demons within himself. Don't think he doesn't love you or your babies. He might just need someone to talk to, someone outside the home. Remember mental health matters.
I'm so sorry you are having to go through this, life is hard enough. If you ever want someone to talk to, I'm here. I tried for years to change things and in the end, you can't help someone unless they really want help and want to change. I really hope things get better for you all.
I wouldn’t be tolerating ANY of that … as far as him changing , he has to want to. I hope you find a solution that is beneficial to everyone.
You’re better than me that’s all I can say! My partner never has more than two drinks and even then I question why I can go 9 months without alcohol but he can’t?
You should contact AlAnon, and he needs to admit he's got a drinking problem. This isn't normal.