Is this normal?

you’re absolutely not crazy for not wanting your daughter that far. there is no reason for anyone to have your daughter that far away from you especially for overnights (unless god forbid emergency circumstances call for it). i’m sorry you’re experiencing this tension in your relationship w mil.. it’s so strange how so many mil don’t know how to handle their sons having their own families. i’ve commented this on other posts too, but i would never leave my daughter w anyone besides my husband and my *own* mom (& even this is rarely ever, for short periods of time, and she knows to never let anyone else take her out of her sight and supervision) we are supposed to protect our children at all costs, even if its over someones feelings 🙄🫢 try to be as polite as you can (esp to avoid giving her ammo to start drama over) and be very communicative with your husband and make sure you guys are on the same page about boundaries. it makes a huge difference when mil knows you guys are a team.

I agree that our children shouldn’t be spending nights, or even alone time of any kind, with adults until they can speak to A.) Communicate what happened while they were there and B.) Tell us if they even WANT to spend that time with that person. Your MIL can take a hike. She doesn’t need your baby at her place. She already had her kid. It’s time for her to find something else to do with her life because this is your child and your life. Focus on you, dad, and baby while she’s there for the weekend. She’s a background character. You’re spending time with your baby. Have your baby with you. Hold your baby. Make sure you’re the one with your baby for their firsts. MIL is just in the background.

@nina thank you! I struggle with that cause my fiancé doesn’t think it’s a big deal. We had a huge fight, almost split up because of her. Luckily I was able to point out the reasons why I wasn’t ready and he somewhat understood. I am just waiting for her to ask this weekend when are you gonna let me have my grand baby 🤦🏽‍♀️. I’m already going to let her manage bedtime while she’s visiting and me go out with my SIL, even that alone is giving me anxiety. Idk, I don’t trust her. She was going to microwave bottles, thinks she doesn’t need bottles anymore since she’s started solids. I’m just praying my daughter it’s good for her and stays asleep so she just has to read her a book, bottle and bed.

@Kass ooof I wish, she’s ruined all of my first holidays and my fiancé says to not hog my baby cause it’s not fair his family doesn’t see her. Has said to me I am also keeping her from her other family which isn’t the case. It’s not my fault he moved 5 hrs away from home and started a life where we live now. I work full time. Weekends and holidays are all I get with my baby

@Luisa wow… i feel you on the not trusting how someone else will care for your child. maybe let her know your expectations in terms of checking in with you and leave a note with certain directions in the house for her? i hope all goes smoothly during your visits and interactions. and wow, the issues between your husband and yourself due to her. what a shame, i hope he comes around and sees things for what they are ! i wish i had more solid advice on how to deal with mil, but tbh i have my own issues with mine and at this point my best move is keeping as much of a distance as possible its hard for our husbands too… they feel a sense of duty and loyalty to their moms/families of course bc they were raised by them, and its hard for them to see their wrongs without excusing it it’s best to express your concerns in a way where you’re careful with how you speak about his family but unfortunately you can’t have solid ground w your mil w/o your husbands support

@nina you are so right! I struggle with communication when my feelings are intense. I get too passionate, yell and cry which is never productive. I’m going to stay positive and calm this weekend and pray all goes well. I will probably just get my daughter in her pjs and night time diapers (don’t trust her to that well from the first time she tried. She used the same wipe multiple times and didn’t go front to back) and then have her take it from there. I keep telling myself it’s only 3 nights and 4 days, I can do this. Part of me feels like she’s feeling paranoid that I’m purposefully doing to her what she did to her MIlL. They all lived nearby but she hardly let my fiancé and his sister spend time with their other grandma. It was always with her mom and family. She’s got it in her mind that I’m playing those same games. In reality my biggest issue is her distance, age and her husbands lifestyle since he’s a chain smoker that’s overweight. Can’t really run after a baby!

Not crazy , furthest my boy has been away from me is 7 minutes down the road whilst I'm at work and he's at my parents house he's 18 months old and will definitely not be staying away overnight let alone 4 days straight anywhere until he's older either

@Luisa honestly, I’d tell your husband (if I were in your shoes) to not tell me how much time to spend with MY child. If he wants to share his only time with your baby with his family that’s fine. But your time with your baby is special to you and limited, and you don’t have to share it with anyone. If my husband told me I was hogging my baby… lol just no. That’s ridiculous. You can’t hog your own child.

It’s definitely ridiculous that she is trying to demand to take your child that far away. I really think that you and your fiancé could benefit from some counseling so that you were able to communicate more effectively for each of you. It sounds like it’s important to your fiancé, that his mom and grandma be at your wedding, which I don’t think is unreasonable. I think the way he’s saying it is harsh, but I understand the desire. Your husband probably also doesn’t understand how difficult it was for you to feel so corrected and ambushed by your mother-in-law at the beginning of motherhood. I know my husband does not take harsh words the way I do, so someone saying something would not bother him the same way it would me, and unless he really thought about it, he is not going to think of how it could feel from my perspective.

@Luisa im sorry but an a petty and incompetent woman and a chain smoking man SHOULD NOT HAVE YOUR BABY unsupervised. stand your ground on that and you’re doing great trying to compromise with letting her be involved when she visits, tbh i wouldnt even do that unsupervised loll but youre right, prep everything ahead of time and just be mindful as far as stuff that doesnt have to do w the safety of your child since thats the most important thing, try to compromise with your husband about it all and if you’re saying you have issues with communication, definitely consider counseling like somebody else suggested because sometimes it does help to have an outside party help regulate your conversations omg I used to get the same way, passionate, and then too intense, and it really takes away from my points. It’s definitely more productive to regulate yourself and present yourself in a steady manner so the conversation cannot be redirected to how you’re approaching it!

@Ali I have been suggesting counseling so long to help ME communicate with me but he says it’s stupid and not needed. I know he loves me and means well but he just sucks when it comes to being sensitive at times. Might have to suggest it when we’re not in the thick of it and in a fight over his mom.

@nina thank you ❤️❤️ this just makes me feel better that im not being selfish or insane for feeling this way. Idk she’s my baby and super protective of her! I only fully trust her alone alone with my mom and grandma

@Luisa I definitely recommend suggesting it then! You also could go for yourself to a marriage and family, therapist, and then invite him to sessions later when things are calmer. My husband and I do not believe in divorce so we made the agreement that if either one ever wants to go to counseling that we go and it’s not a discussion. but after we finished our sessions, I stayed on as the primary patient as I was pregnant and I have a history of anxiety and depression. We both thought it was important for me to stay monitored before the baby comes and after in case of PPD so we don’t have to wait to get on someone’s schedule.

@Ali I do already see a therapist so I will ask her if she would ever do one session with him and I. I mainly want a stranger there who can hopefully explain to him why I am the way I am. Lol I suffer from anxiety and depression too so I am just naturally more sensitive than others.

And I think by asking him to come with you, because you want to be able to more effectively communicate what you were trying to say to him will hopefully allow him to come to the session from a place of support, and not defense. I was reading some of your other replies, and sending your baby to a home with a chain smoker is incredibly dangerous. Particularly if you are not there to monitor that they are consistently washing their hands and changing clothes after smoking. If they smoke inside, and your child is going to be crawling around that floor that probably has smoke. I don’t know how anyone doesn’t understand the danger in that.

My daughter is 4 this year and I still wouldn’t let her stay at someone’s house 4 days let alone 5 hours away. She hasn’t even done an overnight at all because we’re not comfortable

@Ali you are so right! If it address it as support for me and not attacking him he might be open to it honestly. Thank you for that. Yeah my FIL smokes a lot. He does smoke outside, washes his hands but I feel like he only does that around me. I know he doesn’t smoke inside the house ever, just on their deck but he sure doesn’t change his clothes!!

Well y’all. The witch will be here in less than 10 mins until Tuesday. PRAY FOR ME