Confused

I don't want to be with my husband and we are divorcing. A lot of things happened in our marriage and I am far from innocent, but he was never a very good partner and in the end, after years of financial abuse, it turned to emotional abuse. The final straw was when that emotional abuse turned physical. Since filing for divorce, so many awful things have happened that I can't even count them anymore. It has been a living nightmare. I'm slowly picking up the pieces of my broken life, juggling coparenting, therapy, work, school, a social life - everything. It's been really hard, but I'md doing it. I'm also in a new relationship for the past few months and that's been going very well. I don't want to be with my husband, but a part of me wants him to want to be with me. I hate myself for it, because most of the time I want him to move on so he'll let me go and leave me alone. But sometimes I find myself wishing he were grieving me. That he'd see me as a loss, miss me, hurt because we married each other and it's come to this brutal end. What's wrong with me? I know I will always have love for him, I pledged my life to him, had a child with him. Our love story is over and our future is dead. I'm okay with that because we both have a chance to be happy. I'm also sad and wish I wasn't the only one. Maybe I just feel alone. Maybe I just still feel lost sometimes. Maybe it's just my childhood abandonment issues. Maybe I'm jusy jealous that i hurt and i don’t feel like he does. God, I just want my heart to stop hurting. I want to be free from this pain. If I could say anything to him, it would be that I forgive him, that I love him and I hope he has a happy life. And that I'd give anything to go back and erase everything we had because it was all for nothing but pain.

Show your support

Sorry to hear you’ve gone through this. You mention that you’re in therapy so I would share this post with your therapist as it sounds like there’s a lot to work through and you deserve to do that properly rather than get comments from randomers on Peanut! Good luck 😊

It sounds to me like you are still grieving loosing the relationship and maybe that's why you want him to be grieving. But you dont have to feel guilty if you are still grieving just because you are in a new relationship. And if your new partner is a good man he will understand and support you in being able to grieve. Grieving doesnt have to mean you miss him or you want him back. It just means you are honoring the loss that look place. It's okay to want him to honor that loss too, because like you said you did pledge tour lives to each other. Grief is a big process that can take years to work through. Gove yourself grace. And dont think that it was all for nothing, because you have your child from him, and that is a huge something to be grateful for.

I have no words of advice however….. that short paragraph hade gripped from the get go? You ever thought about going into writing? x

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