Books that might help? Advice?

My child was recently diagnosed with ASD, he was previously diagnosed with ADHD as well. We currently go to therapy together and have started seeing a behavior specialist through the same services. My child has been suspended from his kindergarten class multiple times throughout the year and has had to stay in the office because he gets destructive and violent towards other students and school staff when things aren’t going his way. Yesterday he was suspended from school and is not allowed to attend his last day at that school. He is transferring to a different school that offers a special day program. It’s getting so much worse at home too and no matter what I do things don’t seem to be improving. A few days ago he threw his shoes at me while I was driving on the freeway and the other day he tried to push me down the stairs. I’m getting scared of things that could happen because I can’t get these behaviors to calm down. He does have consequences, but nothing seems to be working. My family constantly scolds me for being a terrible mom and said that I should have been spanking him and making him fear me and that I’ve missed my chance. I don’t agree with them, I feel that parenting like that really is not an option for me. It is just me raising him as his dad hardly sees him and when he does it is just for a few hours at a time. I am overwhelmed and not sure what I can do to help him work through these behaviors. Are there any books that might help me understand better or have better ways to approach this kind of situation? Is there any advice you might have? Idk if this needs to be marked as sensitive, but it is just in case.