How to logically explain why spanking is bad with your partner?

I really like Mr Chazz on IG for explaining stuff about parenting. For me and my partner, we send each other reels or articles and then talk about them later. https://instagram.com/mrchazz?igshid=YmM0MjE2YWMzOA==

why do you have to explain yourself to your partner??? you said no. so no means no. don’t fucking do it. especially if he knows about your past traumas idk why it’s even a question.

To me it’s a big difference from spanking a child for bad disobedience and beating a child until bruises come because they have anger issues . I’m not spanking a kid just because I’m having a bad day , I don’t believe in whooping a child just because they’re extra emotional or whining but I do believe in spanking a child for being disrespectful or disobedient meaning a kid who knows right from wrong so 4 and up .

@Alyssa because he knows it’s a sensitive topic, so he’s not going to completely disrespect it it’s more that I want him to see the logical and practical reasons why it’s an ineffective strategy and not just personal opinion

Discipline and abuse are 2 very different things , I think that’s where people get confused especially if there parents were druggies or drunks .

your past trauma should be more than enough reasoning

It sounds like an important topic of discussion, mention that. It sounds like he’s your safe person, mention that too. For a topic that could give you years of hypotheticals, it’s best to point other ways of discipline that could work or you’d like to try first, making physical punishment a no resort or last resort. I grew up similar as you, I’d get the crap beat out of me and my partner did not. The way we both speak about our parents is completely different, I admire his love and respect for his parents and I want my kids to have that. I don’t want them fearing us, it’s not a good feeling as a kid. We still get into discussions on how we’d handle a family members or friends kid, if we were their parents, and “what do you think? What would you do? How do you think the parent feels? How do you think the kid feels? Do you remember having a similar punishment when you were their age?” Yes, still hypothetical but more relatable and realistic when it’s a family member or friend.

@Marta thank you for your comment, you seem to understand where I’m coming from and were able to provide practical tips

Im a child behavioral worker ( lots of my own childhood abuse/trauma). Im against any form of physical punishment/consequence. Google the brain story It's free training on child brain development. Could probably Youtube some short clips. It will cover how children conceptionalize corperal punishment and the impact it has on brain development, etc. It's a free certification, btw.

@Jessica thank you for the resources 🙏

@Alyssa I’m with you. I made that super clear. Under no circumstances will someone hit my child.

@Jessica Do you know of a good book on child brain development? I’m a sucker for neuroscience.

Honestly if the father of the baby has his way of correcting his child and you have yours it’s something you both need to agree on not argue about who gets to choose why it should or shouldn’t be done. As along as it’s not abuse nor neglect then it’s a decision you both have a right. I have been battling this with my partner for years. Mothers get more of a say in how their child is raised, but the father also gets his input. If you make him feel like he’s not important in the teachings of His child, this child will grow to disrespect him

@Amberlynn I feel the same way. I don’t want to be undermining him at all, just want effective parenting and no violence, and why I want to be discussing it sooner rather than later before it comes up

@Rachel 100%! It was harder for us because we live with his mom and sister and they always get onto him for the way he does things with his son which stresses him out more. It made him feel like a bad father and disrespected. Our son is now 4 years old and listens to him and doesn’t yell at him anymore. I finally got onto His mom and sister about it and showed him a better solution for handling our son. It’s the same for our daughter who is 7 now she still walks all over him But he lets her 🤦‍♀️ he thinks it’s ok but it’s his baby girl but she does it to everyone else but me. Always nip it before it gets outta hand!

I would never hit another adult as a form of discipline or a show of authority. Logically speaking if I want my children to act like adults and be able to function emotionally as adults, conflict should be modeled in the same way. I also believe in correlated punishment (make a mess = clean it up).

This may just be me but I respond best when presented with data and facts. Honestly I’d be telling my husband to present me with data backed proof that spanking is effective. Show me all of the proven pros. Not just people’s opinions but scientific fact. Tell him to also research the cons to the hands off approach. Then you do the same for your side and research the cons to spanking. Then discuss!

imagine a partner that hits you when you do something they disagree with and apply it. children are people too with the same emotions we have and a smaller mental capacity to deal with them.

My husband and I agree that we don’t want to raise our child to think that a physical response I.e hitting, spanking, is a normal reaction to an otherwise non physical situation. And how can we teach him to effectively use his words rather than his hands, if we become physical with him as a means of discipline? The action doesn’t lead by example.

@Stephanie that’s a great point, something more than all the people like “I was spanked and I turned out fine” He’s very logical too and so am I, it’s just hard for me on a topic like this

I had a similar situation to you growing up and am absolutely against any form of physical punishment. Luckily my partner is on board and doesn't see how hitting a child teaches them anything other than to fear their parents. Have an open honest conversation where he can list his reasons for wanting to hit his kids and then see if you can find solutions together that achieve the same goal without the physical punishment. If he won't engage, ask him why you don't hit each other when you're upset/ in an argument. Try and get him to see children as whole human beings with equally valid feelings and emotions as him. I think people who think hitting children as punishment is okay, tend not to view children as equally valid people as other adults.

@Beth it is weird how people see it don’t they 🤔

@Rachel yeah, I'm a teacher and I see issues all the time where I just want to scream "just treat them like an actual person and you won't have this issue!".

@Beth right, as a nanny I was doing more work than the parents and they’d ruin my work on the weekends, if I can do my job without hitting or yelling and the kids follow my rules (other than retraining from the weekend) why can’t parents not hit their kids? In our society, teachers and nannies spend more time with the kids than parents (on average, obviously there’s some SAHMs, summers, etc but ya know all these people that work with your kids have rules and structure that’s generally effective with no violence. But I also see plenty of parents go the other extreme, such gentle parenting, and kid oriented lifestyle that there is zero discipline and structure, I’m not for permissive parenting either, but for firm, fair, consistent, consequences and rewards that don’t involve yelling or hitting

But also I understand parenting has wtf moments, and while I don’t support spanking really if you’ve exhausted your options and not winning with a specific behavior I don’t judge parents for doing what’s necessary for the kids and their household parenting wise as long as you know it doesn’t cross lines into harmful forms abuse, neglect, extreme humiliation etc I’m sure I’ll have moments like that parenting cuz everyone does

@Rachel absolutely, children need clear and consistent boundaries that are enforced in a clear, consistent and fair way. I think a lot of people expect children to learn from what they tell them when we know through research that children learn more by copying those around them. Some people think that if you hit a child for something and they don't do it again, they have learnt not to do it. In reality they have learnt not to do it in front of you, they have learnt how to hide it from you and lie about it. All they learn is that they don't want you to know they've done it. When they're little this is bad, when they're older this is dangerous. I didn't learn not to drink alcohol underage because I was hit, I learnt to only do it if I was staying at a friend's house, I learnt how to get sober quickly, I learnt to act sober and how to cover up the smell, worst of all, I learnt that if I ever got into a risky situation that I wasn't comfortable with, I couldn't call my parents for help.

@Beth that’s so true