MIL and SIL seem slightly obsessed with my daughter keeping secrets from me.
First of all, let me start this by saying I'm definitely not naive. I know that as my daughter enters her teen years, the odds of her not telling me every little detail of everything going on in her life are pretty good. I was a teen girl once (longer ago than I care to think about, lol), and I certainly didn't tell my mom everything.
Every time I have a disagreement with my MIL and SIL about them overstepping boundaries I've set for my daughter (super reasonable stuff, like don't give her permission to do something you just heard me tell her she couldn't do three seconds ago, which they're bad about doing), they throw it in my face that "she's gonna keep secrets from you one day." Not only this, but they are 100% convinced that THEY are the ones she's gonna run to with all of these secrets. As if she has no close relationships with any other older females in the family and will never have friends.
Y'all, my daughter is four. FOUR. As far as I'm concerned, there is no reason to even be talking about her keeping secrets from me, because at this age, why would she? Why SHOULD she? Not only can she actually not keep a secret just because she's a little blabbermouth, but she is also FOUR and doesn't yet understand the difference between good and bad secrets (that was told to me by her pediatrician). I don't know. Am I the only one who finds it so odd to keep focusing on what she *might* do 10+ years in the future?
And here's another kicker for you. Every time I bring up something she *might* do in the actual near future, I get brushed off and told that I can't predict the future and need to stop worrying about it. Example, there were some issues with my niece pushing my daughter for no reason, and I politely asked for the behavior to be stopped. I don't want my daughter learning that pushing/hitting/etc. is okay, because I know it won't be tolerated at school; it's not even allowed at the daycare she goes to now (I know this because she actually did push someone one day and got sent to time out for it, which was more than fine with me). So, worrying about her getting in trouble if she keeps trying to imitate bad behavior is obviously a very valid concern...but my in-laws want to treat it like it's not. Yet, them focusing on secrets that she might never actually keep from me (and even if she does, I don't see her being quite as eager to share with MIL and SIL instead as they believe she will be; my money is actually on a few cousins) is totally fine and something I need to be diligently preparing myself for.
I feeling like this turned into kind of a rambling rant, lol...but what do y'all think? Am I the crazy one here? How would y'all suggest responding next time these apparently guaranteed future secrets are brought up?
As frustrating as it is to not have support from family, they’ve very clearly shown you who they are. Look at what you can control: you, your kid & the boundaries you set. I’ve heard recently of parents changing the whole “stranger danger” thing into “Strange behaviour”. So as to not instil fear of people into their kids, rather to educate them on what strange behaviours are that they need to identify & tell you. moreoften than not, It’s known family / friends that you hear doing horrible things. Teach bub that any adult who tells you to keep secrets from your mum & dad are not good people & to tell u & there will never be consequences for the truth. A boundary is also a request that is made with the (self) action that follows suit if it isn’t complied with - “If you continue to ask my kid to keep secrets from her parents, or defy the rules we’ve placed, we will have no choice but to reduce her contact with you until you understand how to operate within the rule.