The grass is definetly not greener
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You aren't the problem. You're not alone in your feelings. This sounds like post partum depression. Having kids is a sacrifice, they are a burden. A lot of moms have an identity crisis, they miss who they were and their bodies from before kids. I sometimes miss the freedom of not having a kid. But I also love my baby! I need a break sometimes sure but that's because kids are exhausting. Doesn't mean we don't love them deeply. I would continue talk therapy. I would be careful with antidepressants. You need to find the right one. If the one your on isn't working, tell your doc and find a new one. For me, it wasn't until I was off of all psych meds, no birth control messing with my hormones, and doing at home remedies that I started to feel better. But everyone is different. Definitely keep talk therapy up and keep trying different things until you find something that works. Not all psych meds are equal, and they will all make you feel different.
@Olivia thanks a lot my love! It really is very difficult, but while I knew it would be hard, I never thought I would find myself regretting my decision. Also maternity leave is a dream come true! A year off work? Are you kidding? Haha but nah it’s felt very lonely and hard to be honest, but I’m doing all I can to help myself! My health visitor is fantastic and GP has me on antidepressants! I’m hoping that’s enough but I’m wanting to some meditation aswell but it’s hard with a baby, maybe when she’s asleep I can do it! Thanks anyway my love and congratulations on baby number 2! Xxx
This IS normal for SOME new mothers. You’re not alone, having children is the biggest change you’ll ever experience. I sometimes longed for the days before my little girl, even though life seemed better I missed it so much, but obviously in your case it seems worse. Definitely speak to a professional, this could all be PPD, you are so early into motherhood, it took me a long few months to even feel like a mother. I still can’t believe I am 2 years on, but here we are pregnant again and I can’t wait for another to join our family! You’ll get through this, don’t hate yourself for feeling this way, and don’t ever think you need to remove yourself. Speak to a midwife, HV, GP. whoever you’re most comfortable with. These feelings will hopefully subside for you and you can go on to enjoy your family, but even then you’ll have your days! Motherhood is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, by far! Good luck and I hope you get things sorted xx
@Jess Jess that’s exactly what I thought the first night we brought her back from the hospital, “what have I done” and that was immediately followed by, “paul (my husband) was right to make you wait, you’re a terrible mother and this baby is going to be the end of your marriage”. I felt such hatred for my husband despite everything he was doing to help me, cooking, cleaning, changing the baby, sitting with her, talking to me about my emotions, everything! And every now and then I find myself being annoyed by him whenever he’s interacting with the baby! I wanted the change aswell, the way things were wasn’t good, I felt there was a hole in my life and thought that hole was a child, boy was I wrong, because even with the child then hole is still there. I would never tell amaya (my daughter) this, I love her so much, but now I have her, there are days I wish I didn’t, but I get breaks from her and I want to be with her. Aaaaaahhhh 😂😂
@Michelle thanks for responding love! I’ve suffered with depression and anxiety the majority of my life, I was getting better and then I got pregnant, the suicidal feelings came back and then at 30 weeks a doctor recommended I come off my antidepressants, then since then it’s been a huge battle to get back to normal, feels extremely lonely, and my husband is great and so are my family and friends, but when you’re mind starts with the negative thoughts there just seems no way out 😳 I almost want to give up but I also don’t want to continue this way for my daughter, she’s still a baby and not too aware, so I feel like while she’s like this I can work on myself then all she’ll know is love
I’ll be honest and say I felt the same.I love my girl of course I do, but when she was first here I was like whatttt have I done?! You don’t realise the change they have on your life until you have one. I never understood it until I had her. Like just going out for something to eat. If you want to go just you and your husband, you have to find someone to look after baby. Your house has gone from clean, tidy and ‘adulty’ to toys everywhere, drawers filled with nappies wipes and bottles. Please feel free to message me. I felt the exact same way! It doesn’t mean you love them any less, you’ve lost your identity in a way. You’re no longer ‘your name’ just ‘someone’s mum’ it’s hard xx
It really sounds like you’re struggling with clinical depression. I’m sorry to hear this and know first hand it’s a difficult and dark place. Finding the right therapist and trying different modalities would be my biggest recommendation. I hope you feel better soon.
@Angelina I’m telling you, I don’t think very highly of myself, and I honestly don’t know what to do about it. my past life is very negative, I was bullied from the moment I started primary school to the end of highschool, I didn’t get a break, there was always someone telling me I’m not good enough, I’m useless, I’m ugly, and I shouldn’t be alive, so I started telling myself that, I started to become what they said I was, or so I believe. Most people after meeting me, say had they met me sooner, they wouldn’t have hesitated to be my friends, and that the people in my past were dicks, the thing is, I wasn’t short of friends, it’s just you tend to listen to the negative voices more than the positive ones. Here I am spilling the beans on my whole life and why i am the way I am, if its too much I understand but I’m tired of keeping it in
@Angelina there’s a very small handful of nurses who do the job because they want to help people and they don’t let the fact the service is going down the pits get in the way of that, but unfortunately in my journey as a mother I’ve been severely short changed and don’t feel I’m getting the right kind of support considering how difficult motherhood is! I’m trying to be perfect because I know how I felt when I was little and my dad wouldn’t hold me or tell me he loved me, all because he never got that love himself and the kind of environment he was brought up in, so every negative emotion I feel towards my daughter and my time with her is met with criticism because she is only here BECAUSE of me, so no use blaming her for anything, had it not been for my inadequacy and my inane desire to be happy she wouldn’t have been born. I find it very difficult to feel like she’s lucky to be alive, I think to myself, if I had a mother like me, I wouldn’t wanna be alive either!
Sounds about right tbh. I don’t think I’ve met any compassionate nurses or midwives throughout my antenatal care and postpartum. I’m sorry you went through that. I think the NHS is just a very toxic organization to work for at the moment and the health care professionals perhaps have a knock on effect with their morale.. but it sounds like you have a really supportive husband so that’s a really good thing. Keep communicating your feelings and receiving the support that you need from him. You shouldn’t think that you don’t deserve your daughter. Take each day as it comes when taking care of her. Perhaps anxiety around motherhood isn’t helping either. Just take each day as it comes. Take your vitamins, get out for fresh air when you can and try and stay active and social. Being alone in these thoughts are triggering and can make it spiral unnecessarily. During the first 8 months babies are changing at each milestone so fast so they do come with their challenges.
It won’t let me message you since you posted anonymous; please message me. Literally rowing the same boat.
@Shanae absolutely right my love! It’s too much to put on someone to say you have to be my way out because no one can do that for me! As I say I don’t always feel this way, it just overtakes me and I have to say it out otherwise I just fester! But thanks for your words of encouragement! All the best to you too my love xx
@Annabel absolutely think it’s definetly too much pressure and wanting to be perfect because my daughter deserves the best, but it’s impossible, and she’s only 12 weeks! It’s not always like this but when it is, I feel so bad! Thanks for sharing your experience and I’m glad there was a light at the end of the tunnel for you ❤️❤️❤️
@Becky absolutely get where you’re coming from my love and I think that’s exactly it! I didn’t think I was going to be overtired, or my nipples would be raw, or I would suffer from thrush, or that my daughter would only sleep 3-4 hours at a time, or that friends would slowly distance themselves from me! I’m learning who my true friends are through this process and it’s sad that it’s took this to show it but I realise those who said they cared, don’t really and only said it to be nice! But I’m quite an open person and don’t like to suffer in silence! I’ve always suffered with suicidal ideation and have even tried it a few times but both were cries for help. I thought my baby was going to put an end to this but she hasn’t, I love her so much and don’t mistreat her at all, but the suicidal feelings are still there! When I tell a medical professional, all they care about is if I tried anything, ofcourse I haven’t but I’d like to not feel this way 😳
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@Angelina hi love, thanks for responding, I talk to my husband about this all the time, he helps when he can, he’ll cook me dinner and let me get the baby and let me sleep and takes the baby if I’m extra tired. There’s no rhyme or reason to these feelings and I feel as if my daughter deserves better. I’m currently in touch with the perinatal team in my area, and I’m not gonna lie, the nurse I have is the least sympathetic person I’ve ever met. We had a meeting scheduled two weeks ago and she didn’t show, turned out she was off sick but never actually pencilled the appointment in so no one called to reschedule 😒 sometimes I don’t want to tell my mum friends because they have their own burdens to worry about, but I just feel like I’m drowning!
Maybe that pressure you are putting on your baby to be “your way out of the ups and downs” is causing the disappointment and resentment? I think you need to change your perspective on that and also realise that when you’re with her, you mean the world to her and that is amazing purpose in itself. Of course you need to have your me-time and own hobbies etc but remember your life is and always will be different now and that’s okay. Say goodbye and mourn the old you and open up to a new, better version of yourself that includes your baby and finding some help for the ups and downs without using her. Wish you all the best xx
How old is your little girl? I desperately wanted to be a mum but found the newborn days so hard. I don’t cope well with interrupted or lack of sleep and all I did was think about my son and what he needed 24/7. Fast forward to just over a year - physically I’ve fully recovered from the birth, I’m as fit as I was pre pregnancy, I have some of my own interests albeit I can’t do them as frequently and although it’s tiring it’s more enjoyable being a parent now as my son interacts with me, plays with me and I can see his personality developing. Can you look at your expectations as maybe you’re putting too much pressure on yourself to feel a certain way/do certain things. I think it’s important to navigate parenthood in a way that’s right for you
And yet he’s all I longed for xx
First off your not the problem! I think and find having a child is a huge shock to the system and a huge change to every aspect of life. For any thoughts feelings etc been open an honest is brilliant, find people to talk too if it sforends family groups on here it’s whatever works for you. Any suicidal thoughts feelings please seek real professional help and also for ppd etc all these feelings are valid. And thirdly you are not alone in what your saying and feeling. I think sometimes we build a picture of wanting and longing for so long in life that when it happens it’s not all we envisioned or thought. When you want something so bad you dont raise the tiredness, the effort and how hard it will really be. It’s a daily task and it takes strength. You still get up every day and do it. I also feel it all good days and bad. I love my baby more than anything but I have also cried that I haven’t enjoyed it like I thought that I’m lonely or feel trapped in the house. It’s a mix
Sounds like you need continued professional help because these feelings aren’t normal. I think it’s important you keep in contact with a professional as it could be some PPD kicking in too. Have you tried talking to your husband about this? Does he support you and help you with your daughter ?
@Audrey oh wow! I didn’t think there was a non medical solution to be honest! Thought I would have to keep trying different ones till one worked! 😳 I’m going to call my doctor today! And see what they say! What kind of home remedies do you use? I’ve heard of meditation and mindfulness, but is there anything else you do? I’m also thinking about joining the gym!