Hurt

I feel such a deep level of pain in my heart. I feel a sense of grief, like I am mourning the life I wanted, the one where my family I created was happy, whole and healthy. I'm not ignorant that every relationship, every 6 its issues. I'm well prepared and willing to work through these things. I mean, I'm continuing to try with my husband after treatment I never thought I'd stand for. Because I'm so committed, and I have a deep sense of love for him. But, I never thought this is where I'd be in life, how I'd feel. On a material level, I couldn't be more grateful. We have a 2bdrm after years of living in an RV. We have a working car, a beautiful baby girl. My home is cozy. I have so much to be grateful for. And yet, on an emotional plane, the inner part of me is broken. I was let down, lied to, and mistreated. And leaving doesn't solve the hurt for me. I tried that. And leaving would mean split custody, getting so much less time with my babies. And having to see my husband, no longer being able to hold him and love him in the way I long to. I was only away for 2 weeks and it was so hard. My other option is to stay, which Is what I've chosen. But I have no clue if the life that I dream of, the family unit I aspire for, will come to fruition in this lifetime. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. There's a chance that my husband will change, and heal and grow with me and be all that I deserve. All that our babies deserve. And there's a chance that we will be all that I ever wanted. But i feel jaded, it feels like a distant dream, a faraway illusion. Part of me feels like I must just give up this childlike idea of a healthy, fulfilling love that fuels me. And so I sit near my husband, feeling ever so alone, aching. And I question what I did to manifest this, what lesson is the universe trying to teach me here? And am I ignoring it? Am I following a false sense of hope? Or am I being a strong, loyal warrior? Will my efforts forward pay off in the long run? Will things just be hard for a while, but one day, it'll all be worth it? I have so many questions, so much time to think. And very few answers.