Please don’t judge!
Im 21 and I’ve been with my boyfriend for five and a half years known each other for ten and we have a 9 month old son together. He cheated during my pregnancy when I was 7 months along saying it was because he lost his job and I demeaned him "as a man" I was heartbroken. I still went to my seminars/ lectures and work as if i was fine let up with friends etc while we split and that was hard for me because we had lived together and being pregnant…yeah it got a lot.
During that time I rekindled with an old secondary friend, he’s changed now a lot and I would have fantasies about having sex with him/being with him in all type of different sexual scenarios. I blamed the thoughts on me being hormonal and pregnant because I was craving sex so much. I realised I was emotionally cheating and even though my "boyfriend" had full on fucked another girl on 6 occasions I felt bad because we had said we’d make it work for the sake of having a two parent household for stability.
Anyways fast forward to after giving birth I just lost all my feelings towards him. And I’ve noticed a lot of the backhanded comments he makes which is amazing to me because he’s not worked in over a year and a half but calls me all types of lazy fat and transactional. Even getting his mum to chime in calling me cheap bitter and undeserving all because I said he needs to go half and half with me for rent and bills and actually meet that quota because I’m struggling financially. Before it was fine because I was working so him not having a job was hard but manageable but now I’m struggling again we fight lots, stopped going therapy and he calls me a man all because I refuse to move into his mums (who lives 6 hours away!!!)
A few days ago the secondary school friend I had blocked last year messaged and since then it’s been getting flirty and I’m starting to have those fantasies again but I’m not sure if it’s because I’m still really hormonal or idk my relationship is a fail so I’m looking for an escape. Is it wrong for me to want to end the relationship now and go explore the world or what?