MIL invited herself to stay with us after birth

Try talking with her beforehand about expectations and boundaries so there’s no confusion or hurt feelings come December

I would be grateful if she’s actually going to help (cleaning, washing cooking) but if she’s expecting to just hold the baby the whole time I would make sure that you set some boundaries. Do you have a big house so you can have some space from her? My mum didn’t stay with us but she came over every day for a week and I got a bit overstimulated and needed to be alone with baby sometimes

definitely set boundaries! nothing worse than you being uncomfortable. maybe ask her to come after the first week, for two weeks instead? that way you & your husband can bond with baby & set a bit of a routine before any interference.

My MIL came everyday for about two weeks (although didn’t stay overnight) but wow did I appreciate the help more that I ever thought. BUT it’s only in hindsight that I see how much I needed it after a difficult childbirth and recovery. Gave me a chance to rest and recover while I found our feet. I definitely bit my lip a few times with her parenting techniques but she knew what she was doing and I ended up learning a lot from her too. Agree with comments on boundaries and expectations.

My friend has her mum with her for the month but strictly she’s there to do the house work not to do all the baby bits. Depends why she is coming down xx

Honestly i cant imagine anything worse and I have a great MIL but I like my space and want to be at home with baby and partner who will be off for 2weeks to help

My in laws just arrived the day after we were discharged. I wasn’t asked and it carried on the whole week. I believe boundaries were crossed and felt like I wasn’t able to bond with my newborn. I broke down on the Friday and told my husband how I felt. He had to tell his family to back off a little and let us have some alone time during the week. I do understand she lives far so probably easier for her to stay so that she can help. She probably will be a big help. But I would advise you to definitely set some boundaries and nip things in the bud asap.

Keep in mind things like if you want to, you’ll be trying to establish breastfeeding & will be boobs out in the living room 80% of the day if you’re anything like me and my friends were. And usually not covered by baby since they’re still learning and will be on and off. I know I wouldn’t have been comfortable with MIL & niece there. Just because she lives 8 hours a way it’s not enough reason to have to stay 2 weeks, my step mum just visited family 20 hours away for 4 days. Can she stay in a hotel & visit for a few hours a day? It’s so important to have time just the 3 of you as a new family x

My MIL and SIL were down to stay when I had my first- basically they were due to stay with us because I was having a baby shower, but baby arrived two days before. I came home expecting them to be leaving the next day (I didn’t even want that, but agreed if it was only for the night so they could see baby), but it came to light they were staying until the following week. Basically I had a bit of a meltdown because I felt my special time at home with my Lo was being ruined and my wishes were being ignored. I couldn’t have cared less how much they offered to help (as it happens it was more of a hinderance as I felt like a host) because I just wanted my space alone with my family. I would strongly advise that you say no to her until at least a week or so has passed. You won’t get those first days back and I regret not having those special moments alone at home after a difficult stay at hospital x

If you’re not comfortable then have a conversation with your husband. So he can arrange a more suitable time to come and help out. The first few weeks I just wants to be with my husband and baby/husband,baby and toddler. I wanted to spend time as a family and figure out everything. I was breastfeeding and I just wanted privacy and no visitors. That’s completely fine to want that. When I had my 2nd baby we had no power because of an ice storm so we stayed with my mom for a week. My mom let me stay cuddle the baby, entertained my toddler and gave me breaks to nap. Despite not being home that was helpful. Whenever my MIL came her way of helping was to hold the baby so I can get things done. Which was unhelpful. I also couldn’t care less about cleaning or laundry and my husband took on all that. If you’re going to let her stay k agree with Sherisse, set boundaries and expectations right away for her and your niece.

Also I think parents and in laws think they are helping by feeding, changing, holding, the baby. It’s just an old school way of doing things. But that’s actually taking away your bonding time. So definitely set that boundary now.

Speaking from experience, don't do it. Doooo not do it if you don't want to. That is a precious time for you. You'll be bonding and nursing. You're at a very vulnerable stage. I "allowed" my mil to be there for the birth and she stayed for a solid week and a half. I wish I hadn't. I can't get that experience back. She overstepped every boundary and took over when I didn't want the help. Do not guilt yourself into over extending. The circumstances suck, but this is YOUR time with your new baby. Grandma's do not come first. Your little family does.

@Morgan I agree, I still feel resentment towards my partner for not setting the boundaries for me actually and for me having to do it myself, in a not very polite way. It’s not fair on the mother to look unreasonable for asking for a very reasonable thing

May I point out, she invited herself. This is the beginning as to where you set boundaries. Grandma's get very excited and forget their manners.

I am extremely close to my parents but I would never have had them stay with us after the birth of our baby. That time was for us, as a family, to get to know each other and establish our new life. It's such a precious time and I think it's very important that a couple have that time together, without interference, to enjoy their new baby. I'd perhaps suggest your MIL stays in a hotel nearby so you can have time to yourself and privacy, when you want it. You don't know what your birth will be like, how you'll feel afterwards or if the hormones will hit. A lot of women want their own space after birth, so that's perhaps something to bear in mind. Also, remember that your MIL only learned how to be a mother by having a go. Which is exactly what you will do. If she does come to stay, please show yourself the respect you deserve in trusting your instincts and ideas on parenting.

@Amy that is currently my life. I love him dearly, but I'm always the bad guy. It's exhausting to even try to get through to her. I wanted her gone. I had zero privacy and I was tired of her staring at my nudity. I should never have had to feel self conscious and exposed. I still resent her. She thinks that she can walk all over me now.

I've had both a great relationship with my MIL and we have also bumped heads a few times over the last 16 years... we both stand for what we believe is right for the kids!! I'm still going to keep her as involved as she wants to be with my (3rd) babe due in December bc I believe she deserves to be part of the family as long as she shows effort. The main thing is communication which I use my husband to mitigate the sensitive or confusing things I need her to understand to make sure I'm not seeming constantly trying to argue... I leave serious talks about boundaries and limitations to adult time when the kids are away, family time is just that- fun and family appropriate time. ....

.... If I need to voice something I include my husband unless it's girl stuff and always say it face to face out of respect. I'm not saying I never cut her off, because I have when I've gotten fed up and frustrated with reoccurring situations... but we always work things out like adults. I believe it takes someone's selfless act on either side of conflict to keep the family happy, with the kids in mind. Sometimes we figure it out between us, sometimes it takes all the immediate family to talk it over, but communication is key.

Having someone over when I was postpartum was the opposite of helpful for me… it really just caused more stress. I mean I was wearing adult diapers and whatnot for a while. I didn’t need someone there to see that. I find that relatives have a different idea of how to help than we do. They’d prefer to take the baby while you do housework. I never found this to be helpful and really tried to limit visitors (on both sides) in the beginning! Since you have a good relationship with her, I would have an open conversation about it. Hopefully if you start out on the right foot that way!

From first hand experience I went full mama bear and didn’t want help from anyone other than my partner and my own mum (but not all the time) My in laws are so so lovely but I felt like I didn’t have enough time to be in my baby bubble and personally think my breast feeding journey was hindered by this. In hindsight I wish I had set more boundaries which I would 100% do if I have baby no2, have a good think about it and maybe write down a list of boundaries and have a chat beforehand however if you don’t want them to stay, don’t be worried about saying that. This is your time to be with your new family. Maybe you could suggest them staying in the new year or once you’ve settled into life as a mummy xx

Also agree with Stephanie above, they want to take the baby whilst you do housework etc but it should really be the other way around! It’s your time to bond with baby and recover after childbirth, they should be helping cleaning and cook. Hosting whilst being a new mum is not fun xx

I made this mistake with my last pregnancy. Make sure If she is helping she understands what the help is and is willing to do it. Make a list for her and ask her if she will do it before she comes. I missed out on a lot of rest and skin to skin time because I felt like I was hosting folks and I was not getting the care I needed. I would honestly decline her and tell her that you and your husband are wanting some alone time and have her come a month or two later. This time around I don’t have the luxury of asking her not to come because I need someone to watch my toddler but I wish that I said no the first time around.

Maybe see if she’d come when baby is 2-3 weeks that way you guys can bind and figure things out with our having little whispers in your ear 😆 everyone always has an opinion on what to do and it can be a lot when you’re trying to figure out your baby. Right after birth might be too much and it’s not all about baby, you’ll need lots of support and time to adjust as well and heal

We have people who are coming from about 20 hours away and they wanted to be here for the birth. I have been pretty clear with everyone from the start now that I want a week to ourselves after the birth and I’m not interested in having another besides the grandparents at the hospital. I feel like this is the few times in your life that this really is about you and your new family- being the woman is also very different and your body is going through a lot. If you’re not comfortable don’t do it!

@Morgan I feel you 100%. I see your little one was early too, so even more reason for us to have had space and privacy away from anyone so they can a) be protected from any additional germs and b) have longer to get to ‘full term’ standards. You shouldn’t have had to feel self conscious at all. It sounds so silly but one thing I really wanted once I got home from the hospital stay was to sit in bed with a takeaway pizza and my baby. I got back and my mil wanted fajitas, so that’s what we had. I was so pissed and upset that she got to dictate. Sounds dumb but those types of things really do cause lasting resentment against them- you wonder if they even remember being a new mum 😔 x

My mil stayed with us for 1 week and then came back I think during week 4. I had a c-section so I appreciated the help in the beginning. The issue like you mentioned is being able to tell them I don’t want things done a certain way. After she came back the second time and I was able to move around more and saw some of the stuff she was doing that I don’t necessarily agree with, I wanted to say something but I wanted to keep the peace as well. It was difficult. She kind of felt the vibe from us though that we didn’t like how she was doing certain things. For example, she was using zarbees chest rub on my 1 month old when it clearly says for those 2 months and up. The way I went about telling her to stop is putting it on my pediatrician. That my pediatrician said not to use this for now. When she comes up to visit now and asks if we need help we usually ask if she can help with the cooking and we take care of our son.

@Megan We are moving into a pretty good size house this weekend. There is definitely space for me to be and space for her to go if we need to be apart. My mom is planning to come help as well, but she's much easier to manage with regards to- she'll let me ask for help vs tell me what I need or just showing up. I know my MIL will want to help with cleaning and cooking, I just hope she doesn't try coaching me through breastfeeding or what to do when he cries. I may not handle that as well.

@Lara I would love for her to stay in a hotel, but unfortunately money is pretty tight for her so she wouldn't be able to afford that, even just for a few days. That's really valid though about the breastfeeding, especially with our niece there. I'm secretly hoping they aren't able to stay for a full 2 weeks because my niece will need to go back to school (we are due Dec 23rd but expecting to go early due to his growth already).

@Kajal I hadn't thought of how that could affect our ability to bond, thank you for pointing that out

Have clear guidelines on how you want to have help. Such as I would appreciate help with dishes, cooking, cleaning and laundry. I will ask when I need help with baby to take a nap or shower etc.

thank you everyone! My husband and I have had small conversations here and there about boundaries we want to set for various times (in the hospital, the day after, in general at home-not letting people show up whenever they want). Fortunately we're on the exact same page with all of it. So I'll make sure that we sit down soon (moving this weekend so probably after that settles down) and we make a concrete plan for how we want to handle things. I really appreciate all of the insight and perspectives I hadn't considered on my own

@Amy she had 2 sons and my hubs is 35 and his brother is 41. She definitely doesn't remember what it was like. I resent her because she was just horrible and hogged my little baby :( I was so sick with fever from C-section and infections. Birth was traumatic and I had severe Pre-eclampsia. I was sooo sick. She told the family that I was "demanding" to my husband and neglected baby. I literally wasn't allowed to hold my baby or feed her for DAYS because I was ill with a blood infection. I had such a high fever that any sound had me in tears. She had the audacity to tell me to "just close your eyes and go to sleep". I just wanted my own mom. His mom is not nurturing at all. Not every mil experience is the same, but I would redo it all over again and tell her to leave just to save myself from resentment. I just cannot bring myself to forgive her as much as I try. Obviously she doesn't see that she can do wrong, so there are no apologies from her.

@Morgan that sounds so awful, I’m so sorry. I’d be seriously pissed too and have some pretty strong words for my partner too if his mum behaved like that. I honestly don’t know what gives people the right to think they can behave like that, i’d like to think it comes from a good place, but the damage that gets done is pretty irrevocable. Even though those first days were taken from you, I hope you’ve had many many more just as a family to enjoy x

@Christyn I’m due the same day! Good luck x

Update: I spoke with my husband and he 1000% agrees with me on not wanting her there from the getgo. Apparently her plan is to come during school vacation now, which will likely (based on what my doctors believe? be after he gets here and possibly even a week or two after. IF that isn't the case, he's told me he's more than happy to step in and say "not yet". I feel SO much better. Thank you all for your advice this has helped a lot with talking it over with my husband and will give us plenty of reasons to use when/if we have to explain why more time is needed before anyone stays with us for an extended period

@Amy that's so exciting!! I hope to hear when your little one arrives!

Nope! We are sending out a mass email with all of our boundaries when the baby comes. We do not want visitors for the first 2 weeks, Knowing we might decide to have visitors early, but if I need a c section or have complications, this gives us all the space to heal and adjust. In the email we’re saying that when we do allow visitors, they are to have no expectation of holding the baby as we’re adjusting to feeding and sleeping schedules (or if I just don’t want my baby to be away from me). We’re not even going to tell anyone but my parents when I go into labor. The only person possibly allowed is my mom in the case of an emergency who is a joint power of attorney with my husband so that one could be with me and one with the baby.