Are you feeling like you've lost yourself? Pushing people away?
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You see, itās not just the physical symptoms that cause distress through the menopause stages. The mental symptoms can be just as debilitating. Thereās also another set of symptoms that, in Ye Olde Days, might have been termed a āmid-life crisisā. Those feelings of discontent, loneliness, isolation, or dissatisfaction with everything ā yourself, your family, your partner, friends, job, career, house⦠Itās a very real thing.
It can be puzzling and frightening ā and it is often part of the suite of changes that take place throughout peri/menopause.
So why the jiggins is this happening? Why do you start to feel like doing a Thelma & Louise and leaving everything and everybody behind? Why do you want to be alone, and yet not?
One possible reason is related to hormonal changes; we all produce a ālove hormoneā called oxytocin. Itās natureās way of making us care ā for instance, oxytocin levels rise massively when giving birth ā and itās this hormone that helps us to feel fluffy about people. Oxytocin is linked to oestrogen levels, so when oestrogen begins to fall, so does oxytocin.
This brings on feelings of detachment, and coupled with the alienation and feeling of ālosing yourselfā, this can lead to feeling utterly fed up with everybody and everything. This isnāt helped if you feel like youāre being taken advantage of. You might start to feel (and maybe rightly!) that youāre getting no recognition for what you do, whether thatās in the home, with family, socially, or at work. So you feel more isolated and alone. You might feel like you want to be alone⦠and life can become bloody miserable as a result.
Those close to you notice a change in you, and if they donāt understand what is happening as you go through the stages of menopause, this can lead to further estrangement, feelings of being isolated and loneliness, and that can put a strain on relationships.
So you feel like this, you recognise now whatās going on. But what can you do?
The first thing NOT to do is make any big decisions in haste. Some people feel they need to walk out of the family home, resign from their jobs, or ditch friends. If you genuinely feel unhappy with any aspect of your life, take a breath. Take some time. Try to bear in mind that this is likely to be a passing phase ā it might feel like this is it, and this is who you are now, whoever that is! That may well turn out to be true, and you might actually want to make some drastic changes ā itās now or never, right?! But donāt rush. Consider your optionsā¦
You may well feel that youāre going to be more assertive and put yourself first for a change. This is definitely a positive to be taken from this! Make some plans to do the things that you never got a chance to do ā and do them! Do them without feeling guilty that you have decided that you are important. Donāt stress that you donāt feel that you care about others as much as you used to. You do care, but you need to care for yourself now. Try to take full advantage of this opportunity to be yourself, for you.
But what if you feel like you donāt actually know who you are anymore?
Many people going through menopause can feel lost, adrift or they feel they āare a different personā or their āreal meā has disappeared. This is another effect that low oestrogen levels can have - affecting how you feel about yourself and the world around you.
You might suddenly feel as though youāre behaving differently. Maybe words are coming out of your mouth seemingly without any control from you. Your thoughts might seem alien to you, your emotions are all over the place, and youāve lost your mojo. You donāt recognise the woman in the mirror, physically or mentally.
Itās really difficult to know what to do when youāre feeling like this. Again, donāt make any hasty decisions! You *can* help yourself, although you might feel despair. Getting your oestrogen levels topped up is likely to make you feel so much better! HRT is the best way to do this, but if you canāt take HRT, there are other things you can do. These things can also give you more support if you are able to take HRT, but you could do with a bit of extra help.
Supplementing with magnesium (we recommend glycinate ā itās gentle on your digestive system and also helps with sleep, night sweats, and hot flushes). Vitamin B to support your nervous system can also help here. (ALWAYS consult a properly qualified healthcare professional before starting any form of treatment, including supplements or herbal remedies).
Breathing exercises and other meditative practises can help, and exercise can get those endorphins (the feel good stuff!) pumping around your system. You might feel like alcohol is a help, but it isnāt!
Please remember to be kind to yourself. Try not to beat yourself up about any feelings of inadequacy, loss, detachment, or anxiety. It's not you ā itās your hormones! Like the oxygen mask on a plane: put your own on first before helping others. Itās the same here ā you canāt be who you want to be if you donāt take care of yourself. You canāt be there for others if youāre still feeling absent.
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@Lauren - the hormonal changes in perimenopause and beyond can mean that you feel like pushing everyone away... *particularly* those who are closest to you and are nice - and that's so distressing for so many of us š©· (that's what the full post is about š)