In laws want my child to call them ammu/abbu (mum/dad)

You’re not being selfish at all! Some people are ok with it, some aren’t, it’s a preference and it needs to be respected, he’s YOUR son. Whenever they tell him to call them Ammu or Abbu, correct him infront of them so they get the hint? Whenever you’re about to see them, tell him that you’re going to see his Sasa and Sasi. Once he’s associated you and your husband to Ammu and Abbu, he will see that it doesn’t feel right to call someone else that. My daughters always called me Mummy or Ammu but she started calling my MIL Amma and my mum ‘mum’ because that’s what everyone else calls them, I didn’t correct her at first but I do now and she’s picked up on it, it took me months to do though so you just have to be persistent 😭

You are not at all selfish. How weird for a child to call someone other than their parents mum and dad 🤔 there's a reason the title aunty and uncle exist and is clearly distinguishable from mum and dad. I understand sometimes my mother in law wants my daughter to call her mum or refers to my father in law as daddy. But never heard of this title being given to aunties and uncles.

Jazakallah khair for your response sis. The other thing I forgot to mention is I have spoken to my husband a few times and he has said its fine if they're called that as its harmless and one 1 occasion he understands my view and ended the conversation as he didn't want to escalate it. Also on certain issues with in laws he would rather remain silent to keep the peace/people please as its his older brother and sister in law. So I've often had to speak up on issues which I havent had support from him on as he hasn't wanted to get involved. It also puts me in a bad light as I've been judged on a few occasions for speaking up on matters even though done in a respectful/civil manner

@Fatema I understand sis a lot of my friends have this exact same issue especially those who are newly married but wallah sometimes pick your battles. And look at your own family. Would you want your husband to keep voicing issues with them? Or would you want him to accept them? Perhaps your parents or siblings are a certain way which you find acceptable because you grew up among them but your husband feels uncomfortable around them. If you see no issue with what's happening you wouldn't be so motivated to speak up. You can't control in laws or even your own family. You can only try and see eye to eye with your spouse which isn't easy as it is let alone other members of the family who are not so suited with your character and personality. Don't ever make a big deal out of matters like this perhaps you can speak to your son when he is ready as he is your immediate family. That way the issue will be solved without you trying to change the views of multiple family members.

My nephews (my sisters sons) call my mum and dad, mum and dad. But calls there grandma and grandpa dado amma and daada abbu (they are in Pakistan). I have a 18month old who also says mum and dad to both my parents. He calls me mama and my husband papa so we’re not too bothered. But definitely I would have an issue if aunties and uncles would wanted to be called mum and dad. Just doesn’t make sense and also wouldn’t sound right in front of anyone either xx

@Lania love this response ♥️

I wouldnt say selfish but you are having a culture shock moment. It's not normal for you and so of course it makes you uncomfortable. My husbands family has a Similar tradition and I just roll with it. I dont put too much stock in the title mom or mama and I have come to grips with the fact that shes going to have many different people caring for her. She knows I'm the mom and a similar title isnt too terribly confusing for kids. My husbands family has added their names so we can keep everyone straight so its baba-Saleh and mama- J leaving gramma(or nana) for my mother ... it doesn't bug me too much just as long as everyone respects my rules regarding her care. (I.e. gentle parenting, no food or body shaming, and allowing her as much freedom of choice as is appropriate for her age)

@lania I wish it was as simple as you've described sis but it runs much deeper than that. I've also found that daughter in laws in some bengali families are treated very differently to ones one children and son in laws as the expectations have been very high for me and other sisters. My in laws over the last 4yrs have caused me to have depressed and postnatal depression after having my first son. When I first got married I was working 40-45hrs a week, travelling 3hrs a day and straight in the kitchen after work to cater to my mil, I was also learning to cook and fell pregnant within a few weeks after moving into their home, I was also paying the most, had sickness throughout my pregnancy, getting 2-3hrs sleep per day on a weekday and not resting. My son has developmental needs/symptons of autism probably as I was constantly working and stressed, I lost my breastmilk within 2weeks after pregnancy as even though I was told a few of my husbands sisters were coming to stay with us 2 months after I gave birth pt1

Pt 2- during covid! I was treated as a maid, also as the oldest brothers family and mil was there too so I didn't get to breastfeed my son as often as I could. I had an emergency c-section and it took me a Yr to recover from the pain. Nobody spoke up for me so at times (after a long time) I had to speak up for myself and I often kept it short to avoid arguments but allow them to have some understanding. His sisters who have given birth were often catered to and I was treated very differently and I was happy that they were given time to heal Alhumdulillah, but saddened of the different treatment. I do feel its important to set boundaries and this is something important to me personally and I know to others it may be minor. Alhumdulillah my family have minimal expectations over my husband and my brothers wives are treated very differently from me as my mum although 75 and also with a cultural mindset would never have expectations like what I've been through over my sister in laws and is incredibly grateful

Pt3 for anything they do for my mum and hence they have a beautiful relationship with boundaries Alhumdulillah. The expectations are on her own children. Apologies for the lengthy message. Just felt compelled to provide some context.

Lost breastmilk within 2 months*

@Fatema I'm very sorry you had to go through that. What I meant to say was that sometimes setting boundaries is better if it's non verbal. I.e. if you rest when you need rest and completely ignore comments or pressure from your in laws. Or you act deaf and blind to certain things when it doesn't suit you. The issue is you are very responsive to their needs and they ignore your boundaries. You can ignore them and just act like it's unintentional. Less stress and confrontation Oops I fell asleep I didn't wake up to cook. Act deaf or like you're daydreaming when it suits you. I know there'd be a lot of politics and deception going on from your end, but it's a win win situation. For your little family. It means less arguments with the husband, less stressed mum, happy son and your boundaries are not affected. They'll catch on after a while that they're wasting more energy trying to control you than they are getting their lazy bums up

@Lania Alhumdulillah sis we have our own place now so I'm no longer living with in laws. They occasionally stay over but I don't mind it since its not an everyday thing. There have been times I've decided to rest as it was also a necessity anyway and I need to be healthy for myself and my kids (currently pregnant with no.2 Alhumdulillah). Many times I have also ignored comments, sticks and stones and all that. Sometimes even then it can take a toll on one's mental health especially when in laws come together as a group to say things or gossip and it almost comes across as on the verge of bullying behaviour. Allah SWT tells us not to be foolish in Islam and not be bitten by the same hole twice. I also don't want my kids to pick up negative behaviour, words and actions so sometimes I do feel its important to speak up against injustices where important. I was very naive in my first 2yrs of marriage and also for the sake of my marriage, as it often caused conflict between us as a couple that I was very much

A people pleaser. There are alot of things now I wouldn't repeat as I have my own regrets and understand my rights and one can forgive but not forget. But I feel like because there were minimal boundaries at the start, they've felt its ok to continue to make certain demands. My kids calling them ammu/abbu after all this too almost feels undignified for me. Don't get me wrong though, I have always maintained a friendly relationship with them despite all this, maintained ties especially as its much easier now living separately but I have also thought perhaps if these things wouldn't have happened, i might have been more comfortable with my kids calling them this. Hope that makes sense Insha'Allah.

@Sara G sorry sis I've not heard of taya. Not sure what the equivalent is in bengali either. I would just prefer if my kids call them boro sasi and boro sasa (big auntie and uncle) as I don't think that's offensive and my nieces and nephews call my brothers and sister in laws this and it just seems natural. They also have a loving relationship Alhumdulillah so it doesn't take away from anything.

I can see there are mixed views on this and definitely to be expected. I just never thought there would even be a need for me to compromise on what my own kids calls their uncles and aunts. In a white culture for example, it would be much simpler as this would probably be unheard of.

@Sara I think I'd be fine when grandparents are called this

Wa alaikum salaam! Mmmh maybe you can say something like 'by the way just to let you know, I'm teaching my child to call me and his father 'ammu and abbu' and for him to call you and (bil) auntie and uncle. He's got developmental delay and speech delay so I don't wanna confuse him'- say it in a casual way to your sis in law, to avoid her possibly trying to argue with you. After you say it, pretend you forgot something very important and then go off lol or give her a few secs to reply and then walk away. I'm hoping this way you won't hear about this topic again and if you do, you just repeat yourself in a kind tone :)

Omg i would be annoyed. There’s no need for this old school non sense. I would tell my son in front of them this is ur uncle and auntie. And enforce that. From the beginning you have to set the boundaries, if something bothers you confront it intelligently and don’t complain to ur husband just deal with it with light hearted news and charisma, be firm yet playful. Hope this helps

Ness*

Jazakallah khair everyone for all your advice. This has been really helpful Alhumdulillah. I often just deal things with myself in a civil and respectful way to nip things in the bud @Rihab but unfortunately sometimes causes rift between my husband and unnecessary conflict from inlaws so I've just been trying to think of a diplomatic way to deal with this, as another sister suggested above Insha'Allah. So this is why I felt the need to tell my husband how I feel about this to get his input (rather than complain) and out of respect for him before i discussed any further with his family. Hope that makes sense