Compatibility

Would you bring up a conversation with your husband if you feel like you are not compatible? I don’t feel like we share the same values, opinions, morals, understanding. Even how we want to bring up kids. He’s got different idea of how we want a marriage to be and so do I. He’s very much saying, a woman follows a man’s decision. Her having desires and wishes (me…) of how we should like to live her marital life causes issues to clash with the man’s leadership and makes him not able to lead the family as they will always clash due to differing opinions or wife disagreeing. She should keep her wishes and desires to herself. BG: We got married fairly quickly to make it halal. His father passed away very quickly after, then we got pregnant short after. We didn’t have a blissful first year to say the least. He then started changing his want of how he wishes i to be as his wife. (2nd paragraph). We always disagree and he feels emasculated and feels like I am competing with him and not allowing him to be a leader etc. I brought up this conversation and he took it personally. All I said, due to our disagreements and differing opinions sometimes I feel like we’re not compatible and I think about our future and I can’t see us being happy as we don’t share the same values. I have my own brain and have a way of wanting to live my marriage life (from before marriage. Which would apply to anyone else I might have married). I can’t b a robot and sit. But that’s how it feels like he wants me to be… He didn’t like this convo. He says that he feels like he is being attacked and not allowed to feel the way he does or not allowed to have an opinion of how he wants to live his life. But that’s not what I said. I validated his feeling by saying you did your research and found this is the best way ou would like to live your life but I don’t agree with it. It’s not a woman’s job to stay in th kitchen and clean etc(that’s what he believes…). He says that I should keep these thoughts to myself (as he does..) as they are negative and don’t help the marriage. I said well if I don’t speak about tbem then we’re gonna continue having the same issues. Anyway, would you have this convo with your husband or is he right to think that “compatibility” conversation should be left unsaid and you should instead work towards making it work…? But how do you make it work when you’re not talking about the foundational issue…. Jzk

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Ok so heres the thing it doesn't sound like he wants to talk about it and if he doesn't want to, you cant make him because that does feel like an attack. You can try saying " is this a good time to talk?" Make sure hes ready for a conversation. can you try a healthy compromise ? Like getting a job at home or a job that's 2 days a week but gets you out of the house? Can you tell him "I want you to lead me but I have to agree with the direction you are leading. I am ok with this this and this. But I'm not comfortable with this can we compromise and do this instead? " even though the man leads it doesn't mean you have no say. If a general doesn't listen to the needs of the men he leads he wont be successful in battle. Leading is ultimately being of service to every other person before yourself in a way that helps you get to an agreed destiny or outcome. If you are competing with your husband that's going to emotionally torment him. Especially if you are better at leading a family than he is.

Ask if hes willing to see and imam or muslim counselor to help smooth your marriage out. So that the counselor can here you and your husband and maybe help you find a healthy middle that will let you both breathe easy

@Hadiyah thank you sister. I am big on compromise and always suggest it to our problems. But he feels like why should he compromise when it’s his right to make that decision or take control. He Uses words like control, authority, disobedient. “Your job”. I totally accept that it’s not a nice conversation to have, but sometimes it’s the hard conversations you need to have to be able to move forward. I don’t want to sit silent and few years down the line still have the same issues. Change doesn’t happen overnight and I accept that, but if we’re gonna come to a conclusion that we just aren’t meant to be, I don’t want to look back then and think I wasted years. I would love for him to lead us but I need to be on the same page. For him to respect that I have a brain and rational and logical and that I can help him too. Being qawwam doesn’t give him control, it’s a responsibility to bear. But when he isn’t paying all the bills, or praying, or appreciating me and what

It’s hard to follow this leadership. No one’s perfect and only Allah knows I am not. But there are basics and when basics aren’t being fulfilled if makes it hard to see further into life when presently it lacks in a lot. He’s against couples counselling. I stopped asking now. He would like to speak to an imaam but I get the feeling it’s cos it’s the only way he will be like “I told you so”.

Can't lie, women should by led by the head of the house in my opinion (to an EXTENT, don't come for me) BUT and this is a huge BUT the head of the house should be leading it appropriately. I honestly don't know how a lot of men would explain themselves to our beloved Prophet SAW if he were here to witness the state of our homes :( What about watching/listening to some marriage advice lectures or talks on YouTube? My husband and I used to make a habit of doing this during Ramadan - nothing specific to be honest, but it did open the floor to any discussions we could have and sharing our opinions on what was being said etc, and it felt nice, something collective and wholesome. Give it a go? Not witg the intention to try and manipulate his thoughts or anything, mindsets change over time and Allah SWT can help him change when he chooses to realise any flaws etc. Prayers for you both 💕

I don’t disagree, but I think there needs to be some sort of common ground between the two. Somethings they agree on? Perhaps if they both share similar Vision, morals or/and values that will let them envision their future. I hope that makes sense. I guess this is where “dating” comes in (non Islamic way). Plus, ngl as a man, you need to prove yourself that you are able to lead the family in the right direction. It’s hard to trust someone leadership when there are big red flags. Esp when these red flags are not Islamic or way of a Muslim man/woman. Also when a man says “control my wife” it tells me it’s more about “power” than leading to rightpath I like that idea of watching videos together, thank you. We have agreed to speak to an imaam which I think is a great idea to allow a mediator advise us. I’ve noticed that he doesn’t like to take advice from me and bcos I don’t agree with a lot he says, we clash. But is this conversation not supposed to be had? Am I wrong in bringing up?

If there are any videos you recommend and can send, I would really appreciate it. Thank you 🤍

💕 The only conversations that aren't supposed to be had are those of your pasts prior to marriage. Stuff that is very much relevant, especially about your own marriage, is fair game. I'll post a couple links here, but there are probably loads more. If you pm me (won't expose your identity don't worry 😹) I can send you more but I'm sure you'll navigate the world of YouTube and figure out some good ones too by then :)

https://youtu.be/S0vfiYe7YCs?si=cKCSZnqCqXVpZKQb https://youtu.be/Jf6B4xk3kcI?si=yzOivshDqj8p5lWk https://youtu.be/hWa5VMwJ9RM?si=so0MBVvD4yOOa1tn https://youtu.be/ZzXWvDaBj3Y?si=RDKFDWr91y7fLUyX These look good to watch together If you're ever on the road in the car or something, this kind of thing might be nice to listen to as well :) Prayers for you both sis 💕

Side note these talks happen to be by the same speaker, wasn't intentional and I don't have any affiliation with him 😹 take the good from what anyone says 👍🏻