PCOS, Depression, Missed Miscarriage & When to Give Up?

As a 32 yo woman with PCOS I have been struggling with infertility. I had a missed miscarriage this summer after about a year and a half of trying. My grandmother, who I was very close to, passed away about 6 weeks later. I have been completely depressed since then. I get up, I get dressed, I go to work, I keep our house running—but most of my days are filled with this pervasive sense of hopelessness. The day I lost that pregnancy was like all the light went out of my life. For nearly two years now I have done the recommended exercise, the diets, the extensive research on reputable supplements, spent a fortune on OPKs and tracking my BBT obsessively and cross-referencing that data with countless blood draws for progesterone levels, I’ve taken thyroid medication, stuck it out on Metformin despite the side effects, I’ve tried herbs & acupuncture and the manifestation exercises and positive thinking and prayer and I just feel like I have hit a wall. I don’t know what else to do or try and it feels like it has all been for nothing. I feel like doctors are impossible to get in to see and have been totally unhelpful—everything we’ve tried has come as a result of me pushing for blood tests, etc. I feel like I’m treated as a nuisance when I ask questions. I know a lot of people try for much longer and go through much more. But I wake up every day and just want to cry. I have tried everything in my power and often all that’s circulating in my head is those words—if it’s meant to happen, it will. Which always feels to me like someone is saying “maybe you would be a bad mom.” I am so incredibly sad and frustrated and feeling the most alone I have ever felt. I hope anyone can relate.
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@Gabriella Thank you so much for taking the time to write. It truly meant so much to me, and I needed to hear it today.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this 💔 I have PCOS too and have struggled for a little over two years now to get pregnant and stay pregnant. I can relate to so much of what you’ve written. This is all so so discouraging and disheartening especially after a loss. Your feelings are so valid. I’ve had two miscarriages now and I’ve felt that I haven’t been the same since. It’s so hard, I get through the days as best I can buy there’s this dark cloud of sorrow hanging over me. Dealing with doctors can be so absolutely frustrating and I’ve had to push for various tests and treatments as well. It’s EXHAUSTING to have to advocate so hard for yourself when you shouldn’t have to. If you ever need someone to talk to or vent to my inbox is always open 🤍

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