I feel so alone
Hello I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice or just need to offload.
I had a relationship with a man 23 years older than me. I'd know him a long time since my teens
When we met he was amazing loving, kind, caring my best friend. Really showed affection and cared for me. Made me breakfast in bed, had great sex.
We both smoked a lot of weed and had a lovely life holidays and days out etc.
He knew I wanted a babyband family and I was planning in getting donor sperm if I didn't find a relationship and was upfront about this from the start I was late 30s when we got together.
He said why have a donor he'd be bringing up someone else's child he might as well be the dad and we could have the family together. He has 3 grown children 2 in 30s 1 in 20s and has grandchildren also.
He wasn't there for his kids growing up was a Saturday dad. Said it wasn't his choice/fault seemed upfront and honest about all his past relationships.
In 2020 I got pregnant I told him he was shocked so was I. Then I miscarried 11 weeks later. I was heartbroken. Made me determined to have a baby even more. We had fertility tests as I was already on the list due to trying etc.. I stopped smoking changed my diet lost weight etc became healthier had a laproscopy got pregnant. Our relationship had had a few bumps and I realized he had anger issues and is emotionally immature. He can't apologise or see things from my point of view he wouldn't do antenatal classes didn't seem excited or engaged in the pregnancy much. I felt lonely. We argued went on holiday of a lifetime and he threw a table across the cruise cabin during an argument.
He says I'm difficult and controlling . I suspect I may be slightly autistic but have always coped. I think I'm emotionally intelligent as I've worked really hard to try understand myself and other throughout life
He always argues with me says I tell him what to do with our son. I've had postnatal depression always suffered anxiety and he has basically checked out of the relationship. He never got me anything for my 40th and we stopped having sex in Feb as he said me getting pregnant would be the worst thing and he didn't want a baby anyways wtf?!!!
He took to sleeping in the sofa and I said a few months ago I'd had enough. He has his own flat, he used to stay here all the time and we practically loved together now he says home all the time unless I ask him to stay so I can catch up on sleep one morning then he whines in the morning.
He does not work. He's on benefits and used to give me £200 a month he's cut it down to £100 as he can't afford more but still buys tobacco and weed weekly. He takes milk sometimes and washing powder to clean his clothes as he can't afford it.
I thought we were gonna try get back on track and he can be nice for a few days kiss me goodbye and be in a good mood but then he just ignores me and goes back to usual playing with our son and ignoring me. I try to talk to him he doesn't take it in.
He comes round nearly everyday to see our son and looks after him 1 day a week whilst I work as he does to nursery the other 2 days I work. I own my own house fortunately and have a good job. But resent his attitude towards me and the fact he obviously no longer cares for me.
Thanks for reading so far
I genuinely have feelings for him still and wanted it to work but I feel he just tries to stay in my good books so he can see our son whenever he likes and to keep me sweet. So he has contact with him
I'm miserable feel lonely and alone. I have a non existent relationship but can't seem to move on. I don't know whether to have a formal arrangement so i see him less and can move on. I don't know what to do. I have no one to talk to and feel is pointless trying to resolve things for our child's sake hes 21 months now and want him to see positive relationship role models not this loveless representation. Our son can't go to his house for visits as its not suitable and he smokes in there.
I wanted more kids and a proper family I don't know how to resolve my situation to make me feel haapier??