SS has potential ASD/ADHD and I can't cope

I have an 18mo with my partner, really traumatic birthing experience so still suffer with ptsd and ppd. My SS is 4yo and I really can't handle having him around. We have him 70/30 and his behaviour is getting worse; punching spitting, swearing, screaming etc and my daughter cries everytime he's here. My partner and I have breakdowns everytime too. I don't know what to do because I know mentally we can't cope with him but don't really have a choice... any advice?
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I can understand as I have a 6 year old with ASD and adhd sounds like he’s really struggling to regulate Does he go to school yet? Are senco involved/ does he have a one plan at school? It is hard work I also have a 6 month old so understand having to juggle both , reach out to his senco if he has one

@Lu thankyou for your thoughts and advice! I should add that I'm a CAMHS asd/adhd nurse so am thankfully well equipped with coping skills for him... its me that needs some 🤣 @Stacy I'll discuss with my SO thankyou! We have SENCO involved but they're really reluctant to put referral in yet

Do you understand that this isn't just "behaving badly" if he is neurodiverse and is more likely to be his way of saying "I am overwhelmed help me"? Does he have access to fidget toys, ear defenders, sensory spaces, fixed routines, visual timetables? It can be hard but you need to change your mindset on why he might be behaving like that and help him soothe himself.

We personally called social services to assist us in getting the help we needed a lot faster (they can often bump the waiting list times in some cases for those suspected with asd/adhd AND offer therapy for children) I believe they also have other ways of assisting with behaviour like this as we had same situation with my ss and our toddler. In all honesty, social services assisted us incredibly well, and now we seem to be on the right track!

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