Why am I such a bad wife?

You’re not a bad wife. Please repeat this to yourself. You are NOT a bad wife. You are a GREAT wife that has a lot to do in the morning and it sounds as though you’re husband should’ve been more understanding and he should make his own lunch or buy lunch. He’s a grown man. Your husband needs to take accountability for not waking early enough or when you’ve tried to wake him. You have your son to look after and the dog I know how much time that consumes especially when you’re running late. Have you spoken to your husband about his behaviour when it’s not heated? Remember you’re a wonderful wife. Sending you love ❤️

@Kiwi this literally all just happened a little over an hour ago. After we left our son with the babysitter he cranked up the music in the truck and didn't bother talking to me the whole way to his job. Then didn't even glance back at me to give me a kiss or tell me to drive safe like he always does when I leave to go to work.

😞 I’m sorry you’re going through this. Hopefully when he’s home later he will have calmed down. Then maybe you could have a conversation, if you feel safe to do so. It isn’t your fault, please don’t blame yourself for something you couldn’t control (him going back to sleep). He’s probably really annoyed at himself but it’s easier to blame someone in this situation than take accountability. ❤️

This is still domestic violence. He is mentally abusing you as well. He is an adult capable of waking up on his own and getting his own lunch. If he isn’t going to help with anything else he can at least take care of himself. Step back and do nothing for him and let him see what it’s like without you. Or just leave it’s not right for your son to have to watch him treat you that way.

You're not a bad wife. He's a bad person. You're right to be worried about your son mimicking his behavior. Your relationship is his first model of what relationships should be. It doesn't matter that he hasn't physically abused you, this is still an emotionally abusive relationship. It's not normal to be screamed at and cursed at. His behavior is clearly affecting your self esteem, and that's not healthy. Even the whole crying telling you he would never hit you. That's not normal. People in healthy relationships never even consider it to say they would never hit one another. It's time to leave for your son and yourself. You deserve better and if he's broken you down enough that you don't realize that, at least realize that your son deserves better too and do it for him. Staying for him isn't healthy. It's better for your son to be from a broken home than in one and, right now, seeing his mom be berated is a broken home.

@JL I just had a conversation with my brother in law. He said he used to be the same way with my sister. Till she finally threatened to leave and it opened his eyes. He told me about how he was the same way about dinner being made and ready and how he wanted shit done at specific times and the small shit would set him off. But he said my sister dealt him the cards and told him he needs to straighten up or she's leaving and he realized he wasn't being a good husband. He told me to drop our son off with them and they will watch him while my husband and I have a talk. I don't WANT to leave him. I love this man so much it hurts. He always comes around and apologizes. This Is just the first time he's gotten this mad. I'm going to talk to him when I feel ready.

Has he always responded to you violently? He might not be striking you but this is absolutely abuse. Anger management, therapy, a willingness to communicate with you open heartedly—- these are some things he really needs to incorporate into his life with you. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. You’re describing a very scary situation.

Girl, I'm sorry, it this just makes me really sad for you to hear you're surrounded by "men" who act like this and need to be threatened. You say he "always comes around and apologizes" but that just makes me know that it's a pattern and will continue happening. I hope you get in a better situation, realize this isn't normal behavior and that you deserve better. Nothing about this is normal or ok. You should never be screamed at. You should never be cursed at. If you have access to therapy, it might be a good idea so you can explore it with a professional who can help you recognize these men are abusive and that you don't need to put out or have dinner ready like a bang maid to keep your husband happy.

@Stacey no this is not a normal thing. The last time we had a fight this bad was last year before we left for a Christmas vacation. I literally had to tell his mom I wasn't sure I would even be coming. We got through it. Our normal days are fantastic. Playing with our son together, gaming together, cooking and eating together. It's just these little things that pile up and he has a little outburst. He ALWAYS comes around after a fight and apologizes its just a battle of his anger issues. I know he needs therapy but it's not something we can afford right now nor does he even believe in therapy.

You are not a bad wife. His behaviors are a reflection of him, not you. You and your son do not deserve that kind of treatment. Do you really want a child witnessing this and believing that those behaviors are okay? What you have just described is intimidation and lack of emotional regulation. Intimidation is a tool used by abusers to instill fear into their victims of what they *could* do. Lack of emotional regulation leads to outburst and inappropriate avenues to release stress (such as slamming doors). I know that you said he’d never touch you, but plenty of victims believed that before assault happened. Abusers are never obvious at first about what they’d do to hurt someone. The problems build overtime. Please speak with a domestic violence victim advocate about your experience. Something tells me this isn’t the first time he’s done something like this and you know already that it won’t be the last.

You shared that you don’t want your son repeating those behaviors. By staying in that kind of environment, you are indirectly showing your child that those behaviors are acceptable and that you are willing to tolerate them. Abusers are statistically coming from homes where abuse was normalized in that way. You say that you love him. I understand why you feel that way, but is love enough? Is that love enough for you to stay and withstand that treatment? Is that love enough to risk your son repeating those behaviors with another woman? Is that the love you truly believe you deserve? You also said that he doesn’t believe in therapy. With that, he has said that he has no interest in changing. He can apologize all he wants, but if he’s not actively seeking help then he’s just manipulating you into believing that he is sorry and he’ll change. It is not your responsibility to push him to change. He needs to make that decision for himself. You do not have control over that.

You’re not a bad wife. It seems like he has a lot of his own stuff going in and is taking it out on you. You’re not a sex machine and you don’t owe anyone your body 24/7, it’s okay to say no if your answer is no! No matter the reason! He needs to grow up, including tasks such a setting an alarm clock for himself like seriously come on now. His behaviors reflect him, not you. Your son was up and dressed and fed and well taken care of ! Be proud of that ❤️

I don’t know all the details of your situation, but you’re not a bad wife. And he’s probably not a bad husband, but I’m curious why you’re blaming yourself in this situation? From what you shared, it sounds like you have both let some negative patterns become much too regular in the relationship, and it’s something I’d encourage you to get curious about. And the other thing I’d offer is, when YOU are telling yourself that you’re a bad wife, how does that make you feel about yourself? Why are you choosing to believe that about yourself? I know there are so many other things about you that are true, so what’s keeping you from choosing a better belief about yourself? I help moms with this kind of stuff all the time, so reach out if you’d like someone to bounce your thoughts off of ❤️💐

@Samantha what I'm struggling with right now is how to break the ice with him on talking it out?

Hey Incognito, That makes total sense. And it’s absolutely normal. Here’s what I ask with my clients when they’re feeling that way about having a conversation. You don’t need to answer these questions for anyone but you. They’ll just get you thinking. - Why does it feel like a struggle to break the ice with him? - What has worked in the past for talking things out? - What are you afraid will happen if you bring it up? - Name the dominant emotion that comes up for you about this situation…one word. - Why do you think that emotion? - If that emotion could speak, what would it say to you? Work through those, and then you’ll have a better understanding of what’s happening for you. At the end of the day though, how willing are you to experience the discomfort of bringing this up with your husband? Somedays we have to feel the fear, and take the action anyway. ❤️💐