Feeling like the second choice

I know a lot of this is my own insecurity and I am in therapy for it, but I’m 4 years in (married for 2) and with a baby, but still I feel like my husband just wanted a wife after his divorce. He’s a good husband but there’s little things and comparisons that I make where I just feel like he could’ve married anyone. It doesn’t help that MIL has told me every detail about his prior relationship so I just know way too much and get in my head. He was married for 2 years after his ex got pregnant so she could be on insurance and they later had an open relationship so it’s not even some romantic story or necessarily about her, but for example, he gave her a big proposal while he basically just handed me a ring. I know it sounds so superficial and I feel very guilty. However, these feelings are coming back up because he was a very hands on father with his first and isn’t this time around. So I feel like me and my child are getting this hand-me-down version of him. Last night I did talk to him about it and he was shocked by my perception of our relationship, so we just aren’t on the same page. Sorry for rambling, my feelings are all over the place.

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I think him knowing how you feel is important and that he validates that. You could have like a code word that you tell him when you start to feel that way so that he knows you and/or baby need a bit more attention. Even if he doesn't feel like he is treating you/ baby this way, it's important that he still acknowledges and cares about working on you not feeling this way

"Gettinf the hand-me-down version of him" really stuck out to me. I've felt this way at points in my marriage with my husband. We both brought children from previous marriages. My husband was actually abused by his ex wife on so many levels and one of those levels that I grief so much is how she destroyed his faith. He still believes in God but he's so scared of being taken advantage of again spiritually idk if he will ever be able to give me the best version of himself in that aspect which is so SAD. I feel like no one talks about how hurt men within and after relationships especially serious commitments like marriage. You might not ever have the version of him you're thinking of but I would question if you would really want that version of your husband if he was to turn back into who he was in his first marriage. You can't know everything about how he was before and there may be parts of him you would have absolutely been incompatible with.

@Alyssa thank you! You’re absolutely right

@Lea thank you so much for this perspective! It’s really tough not to get caught up and feel like I got the short end of the stick/am the one dealing with the consequences of the past, but you’re right. I only know him for who is now

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