Should I say something to my bfs mom? (Kinda long)

Okay so my bfs mom since the day my daughter was born has been very bossy and demanding about our daughter. Which is highly annoying to me because before she was born his mom was so sure I trapped him with a baby and that he needed to get a DNA test but the moment she was born and she saw how much they looked alike she switched up. Everytime she sees here she tried to tell us that we are doing something wrong even if we know based on how our baby reacts that she doesn’t like or need something. A couple of examples are: The first time she was born and his mom meet her she immediately said we needed to bundle her up cause she was too cold even tho we tried to explained that she isn’t swaddle because we are about to be discharged from the hospital in a few mins. Another thing is we have learned that out daughter doesn’t like wearing socks, and when we do put them on her she gets fussy and kicks them off so we rarely let her wear them and she is more comfortable that way. Yet Everytime we are near his mom she tries to say she needs them. Not to mention every time we are around her she just yells at us to “give her her grand baby” and I understand she wants to hold her and spend time with her but I’m only 2 months pp and I personally still have separation anxiety and I like to be able to just hold my baby as well, and if she is constantly just taking her from me and expecting me to find something else to do I can’t do that. I understand she was a mother once but this is our kid and my bf tried to speak up for me but she thinks that it’s just him trying to be an ass hole. What makes it worse is that we are teen parents so it’s harder to speak up. I just really want her to realize that this is our baby and we don’t always have to give her to someone else or listen to their rules but I feel like she might think I’m being rude and I want her to like me even tho she can get on my nerves. So should I say something?
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This sounds so hard. I’m in my late 30s and I can’t even speak up when my mom says stuff like this. If you think you can speak up and not get attacked, then speak up. But if you can just ignore it for a while until you’re a bit further along in post partum, wait until you feel stronger. I would also ask your partner to talk to her, it’s his mother after all. Tell her you’re grateful for her ideas but you really want to work it out on ur own etc

That's a very difficult position you're in, and I'm sorry for you. If you are going to say something, perhaps try to focus on how things make you feel, rather than criticising her behaviour. I'm not saying you're wrong, by the way, but people tend to react better when the conversation is about feelings of another (i.e. the impact of someone else's behaviour) rather than the behaviour itself. So, for example, you could say you find it really upsetting when your baby is away from you (rather than she shouldn't take your baby away from you). You could also say that, just as she did, you need to learn how to parent by being allowed the space to have a go. As with anything, we learn best from doing, rather than being told. You can say that you trust your hormones to guide you in doing what's right for your child - that's what they are they for, after all.

I don't think age makes any difference, when it comes to maternal instincts. I was 32 when I had my little one and I was absolutely clueless because I'd never been around babies and young children. Don't do yourself the disservice of questioning your abilities or instincts. If you are unsure of something, speak with your midwife/GP or have a little Google. There is a lot of advice around safety (particularly overheating!) that is quite different now to when our parents had us. You may well find support elsewhere to reinforce what you're doing is the advisable method (not that you need it, I hasten to add, I was thinking more to shove under your partner's mother's nose).

Do you live with her? If not firstly cut down her visits! And yes practice standing up for yourself, practice saying things when she’s not around so it might come out easier when she is “no she doesn’t need socks” “I’ll give her to you in a minute/when I’m ready”. If you don’t like her behaviour then definitely say something x

You need to draw some boundaries and to do that you need to work out what's appropriate first. So sit down and write down everything you want to say with no restrictions first. It's probably hard to find time to do that when you're PP but this is a writing exercise that clears things up in my head for me so it gets much easier to work out what I need to say. When baby's gone for their long nap try it. Once you've written it down, read over it and imagine yourself in your MIL's shoes as you read it. Consider if this will make her feel defensive. Then read over it again & this time, underline any feelings you wrote down. If you find you didn't write much about your feelings, then write the letter again (by the way none of these letters are being sent to her) This time focus on what you're feeling AND if it concerns you naturally, write what you think she must be feeling too. Read the new letter from your MIL's perspective and consider if it might make her defensive.

This time there are probably fewer accusations since you focused on feelings. Now it's time to go back to underlining those feelings. You want a short list. For each feeling, you can practice saying "I feel <this>, when <that> happens, and I'm concerned that if you don't know that it will affect our relationship by ..." By telling her how you feel, what you don't realise is you're giving her a gift. You're giving her the opportunity to connect with you & build a respectful relationship with you. Now whether she sees it as a gift depends on a lot of things. All you can do is your best to wrap it up well and hope she takes it. Finally, you want to plan your conversation with her. It should start with 1. Understanding her feelings 2. Hearing her feelings 3. Not starting an argument over anything she says. Once you've heard everything she has to say (& that might be hard to hear, you have to try hard not to get annoyed in return), then it's your turn to lay out your own feelings in the way that you practiced

Oh and I almost forgot about the boundaries! But I think it's more important that she's heard how you feel first, because a boundary can come as a big surprise if you haven't been communicating your feelings. So wait and see if her behaviour changes first, and if it doesn't, work out what behaviour is unacceptable to you (since she already knows how you feel about it) and then prepare what you're going to say 1. Starting with the feeling 2. The behaviour you want her to stop 3. How you're going to respond when she repeats that behaviour. Do a little online research on healthy boundaries if you're not sure, but boundaries are all about accepting that you can't control other people's behaviour, you can only control your own. So if somebody is behaving in a way that's not good for you, you need to work out what you can do to get away from that behaviour. It might mean telling the person to leave. Or it might be leaving the room for some time to collect yourself.

Drawing the boundary means they've been warned that you'll be telling them to leave, or that you'll take your baby into another room if they do that. But hopefully your MIL will instead consider your feelings and you won't need to take that step. If you do, just know you're doing the right thing. You're not to blame if she feels offended.

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