Feeling really sad - dismissive mum

My mum thinks she is the strongest, most capable person in the world and that there's no such thing as a difficult pregnancy, just pathetic, weak people who cannot cope. We have had a few tiny scares recently (just reduced movements and babys bpm and me feeling very unwell with low BP) we've never made a fuss but my mum expects me to call her everyday and I have been honest. She thinks that it's all down to overzealous midwives making something out of nothing. She thinks there's too many checkups and appointments and too much knowledge for parents and that it's all hokum. She thinks the private reassurance scans we've gone for (due to a previous loss) are ridiculous and that essentially, everyone would be fine if pregnant people were just kept in the dark, like she was. She's also started making assertions about the post-partum period which worry me. Essentially that recovery time is a load of crap and using that 'excuse' to delay her and dad descending on us is 'a load of self-obsessed rubbish' It's got to the point where I just don't really want to talk to her anymore because I find her lack of empathy really draining. I've tried staying off the topic of the baby but she actively asks, seemingly just to contradict and condescend me.

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Woah that’s horrible Why’s she already jumping to the conclusion that it’s too avert a visit very early on aswell? Mums can be so entitled sometimes! Stand your ground when you’re recovering and tell her to back tf off, it’s not about her for a minute it’s about you, your baby and your baby’s dad If you’re trying to avoid it and she’s bringing it up just to be negative if just respond with ‘I don’t want to talk about it right now with you’ and be honest about how she’s making you feel

My mom said the same thing to me when I told her I wouldn’t want her to visit 2 weeks postpartum for Thanksgiving(we didn’t even go to ILs Thanksgiving we stayed in our room) said I was selfish and being over dramatic. Honestly I just further limited contact with her. You don’t need to listen to the people that will make your pregnancy or post partum any harder then it already is. If you aren’t ready for people after birth that’s completely okay and if you want certain people around after birth that’s okay too. We had no one visit the hospital which we were in for 5 days because of a complication and we absolutely loved it and didn’t regret it.

Ok so my mother is a bit like this too and I have a theory! Mothers that didn’t have support, felt like they couldn’t complain, felt like they had it harder than us….. can’t show empathy or understanding to other mothers. It’s really sad. Especially their own daughters for some reason. My advise is to try and not tell her anything meaningful, keep to boring chit chat, she will lose interest eventually. These people don’t change.

My mother also likes to make things this weird competition, for example if I say I’m tired (I have a toddler, work 4 days a week and I’m pregnant) she will say “well I was up at 5am cleaning everyday for my job when I was pregnant!” Ok… you want a medal woman or what? Didn’t realise it was a competition. I just don’t tell her anything now and she mostly keeps away.

She is 100% going to turn up to your house unannounced as soon as you’ve had the baby. Make sure she doesn’t have a key and keep the doors locked. When you get to the hospital tell the staff that you aren’t accepting visitors and to turn people away no matter how much they plead, we had a similar situation. Do you have other support if you need it like siblings or in laws? Honestly I’d keep her at a very far distance for as long as possible! People like that love overstepping boundaries when baby is here too because “it’s my grandchild I can do what I want”

I wouldn't tell her when the babies born to get some peace. She sounds like a stream-roller and it sounds like you have a gentler personality. I would personally say, "I don't agree and as an adult whose about to have her own family, I'm within my right to make decisions about what's best for me and my family. Hopefully you can respect that, if not then we're looking at a more serious discussion about the role you'll play in mine and my child's life". However, if you're gonna say something like that then you'd have to expect a bit of an arguement. That said the alternative is to rollover. It depends what you're most comfortable with but those are the options she's left you with sadly.

@Megan she assumed she would be at the hospital but they have a very strict visiting policy which wouldn't allow for her and my dad so we've just said 'give us a week or so'. I think with some parents, it would be fine to have them over straight away but she is so domineering, opinionated and exhausting that I'm going to need to wait until I'm back 'on form' otherwise it will be a disaster and very stressful for my husband. You're so right, there's no shame in admitting I find the pressure suffocating x

@Jill I would honestly love 2 weeks and I feel like it's a totally fair thing to ask for considering what you've been through. How did you resolve it with your mum in the end? Did she just come round to it or did it create a lot of conflict? x

@Lara We bought a video doorbell for exactly this reason! 🤣 We don't have other family support but really don't need people as my partner is incredible and fortunately has 6 weeks off. The best case scenario is that we are left alone as much as poss in that time which sounds awful I know! Boundaries is the key thing here. I need to get much better at putting them in place asap! So tough isn't it x

@D had a great comment. I also wanted to add, You are absolutely going to want more than a week. I have great parents that were very supportive and they came down a week after baby was born. Even THEY were a lot. You’re entitled to your own healing time. I would start turning her comments around on her. Make her feel guilty about being so dismissive about your child’s health in a way that you’re still killing with kindness. “I’m sorry that YOU think it’s stupid for us to have extra scans, but due to scares we’ve had in the past we’re going to continue doing what we feel is best to ensure the safety of OUR child.” If she persists then flat out tell her “Your comments on the matter are more hurtful than helpful, so either keep them to yourself of I won’t be informing you of anymore updates.” You will get push back, but your baby deserves an environment that is warm and loving. Right now that means your belly and you need to cut out cortisol igniters. Use that as your driving force.

I said she could still come visit but not kiss the baby and she called me unreasonable and cancelled her entire trip to me 🤷🏻‍♀️ I said okay that’s fine and everytime she brought up “I wish I had met my grandbaby” I just said you could have you chose not to and left it at that. They’ll always try to guilt you and try to make it seem your fault just because they don’t want to adhere to peoples boundaries. She’s now finally coming to visit at the end of May so 6.5 months later. I honestly dont have a good relationship with my mom to begin with because she was abusive growing up so I’m used to standing my ground with my boundaries and her getting mad and ignoring me 🫠

My mum assumed she would be there at the birth for me and I said can I decide on the day I might need you or I might just want it to be me and my partner and she turned up and tried to come in anyway thank god the midwives didn’t let her (I didn’t know at the time) and I was furious when I found out! It felt like a proper invasion and I have a great relationship with my mum, but I didn’t want anyone except my partner when I was in labor. I think they just assume they’re going to be a part of every bit but sometimes we need our space no matter how close we are to them. I didn’t tell her I was annoyed but I did tell my dad.. don’t know if he told her or not but with the next baby I’ll be asserting that no one’s coming to meet them until my daughter has. No ifs no buts -her and my partner are priority If you need a reason (not that you should) just blame the hospital, say sorry 1 birthing partner only allowed to visit then it’s not on you x

My MIL assumed she’d be in the room as well and my partner looked at her crazy and said why would you be in the room? And she said well I was in the room when my daughters gave birth I just assumed I’d be there for all my grandchildren. They really do just think they can be there for everything and sometimes don’t realize this is OUR child not just their grandchild

I didn't received anyone for the first 6 weeks. And my mom is not a pain in the a**. I was just recovering and bonding with my baby and allow my partner to step up as a dad (not being put apart just like it happend lots of time when grandma's are around). It was the best decision ever. Your mom sounds really selfish and not a reliable support for you. Even if she undermines it, pp is a sentitive moment and trust me if you don't explode now with her attitude, their's a huge probably you explode with her around your new baby. I m sorry you are being gaslighted this way and I hope you have other people around for support.

Soooooooo stop updating her. Stop answering her calls, stop allowing her opinion to influence your life. I get that’s mum and all, but this is rubbish behavior. This ISNT ABOUT HER. I need you to hear me when I say this—keeping up with things happening in your life is a luxury…NOT A REQUIREMENT. I had to give the same lesson to mine when my first daughter was born, and it took time but she finally backed off and learned to let me involve her rather than shoving her way into my personal life. It doesn’t work. Watch how in control you are when you STOP enabling mum. She freak at first, then go silent, then come back a little more chill

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