Support

You are absolutely not alone in this! I'm with a guy in the army and in the same position as you! I got offered a role with the police too, but had to decline it eventually due to no childcare help. Being a "military mum" is lonely and hard. Completely with you on this!

@Steph I literally just don’t understand any of the pros of military life bar the cheap housing that’s pretty much falling apart anyway… it’s only good for those that are in. I honestly can’t see myself doing this for the next 20 years cause it’s actually shit. Also why is it having the kids is only effecting my career/life when we both had them.

No I'm exactly the same, we have an 18 month old, we moved south away from my original life a year ago and I think he's been here for a grand total of 8 weeks in that year, feels like a total waste of an existence doesn't it 🤦‍♀️

This is so hard, my partner was in the RAF until last October when he left after 12 years, after our little boy came along we both agreed that he’d leave as he was away for so many milestones and it put so much pressure on me working full time, I really struggled while he was away and that’s with us living in our own house nearby family, so I can’t imagine how it must be in quarters so far away from your support system! I don’t think the military lifestyle suits modern families now, it puts sooo much pressure on the partner at home. However if he won’t leave yet, could you maybe get a part time job between 9-5 hours and put your little ones in nursery? I know it probably feels like a massive compromise if it isn’t a job you really want to do, but I think just being able to get out and go to work and do something other than looking after the kids might just make you feel like you’ve got something of your own again? And are there any other mums on your patch who you get on with? X

@Sophie yeah exactly it doesn’t suit unless you’re happy just to sit at home n look after the kids n be at their beck & call which I’m not 🤣 not when he could just leave n we could both have some sort of job/career. Also because I don’t have any sort of experience there’s literally no 9-5 jobs plus the price of childcare is actually be worse off doing it… that’s why the longer shifts worked out as I could carry on earning whilst they’d left childcare n were at home if that makes sense. Also another thing is we’re not on a patch, we’re just in random housing surrounding the base, there is a housing patch closer to camp that’s more of a community but they were full as it’s high demand so we’ve been shoved like 20 minutes away in just random housing so our neighbours are civvy so no one’s as friendly as they obvs just live here so don’t need to make as much effort as they have friends/ family. It’s all just pretty shit to be honest

I'm on the other side, I'm currently serving and my partner is a stay at home dad. We heavily discussed this all before we made the leap of him leaving work, did you have any discussions before he joined anout how the lifestyle would be? I can see how it would be difficult if you had no intention of being at stay at home parent as its very difficult to get a job around our hours etc I'm army but I'm sure it's the same as the navy has he had to submit a childcare plan? X

@Lauryn so I feel like I was sold a dream tbh, I thought we’d be on a patch with other people in the same position which I’m not so have no support. & I think with us being young and me not being established n him joining I just got swept up in it all and moved to be closer n live with him as previously I looked after our now 4 year old without him back with family whilst he only saw us on weekends n just pissed about with his mates all week as he was waiting for his promotion course for about 18 months. What’s a childcare plan? Honestly he just makes everything out like he can’t help at all with the kids right now as he’s waiting to do his conversion course (aircrew) onto his helicopter n once he’s done that it’ll be different but I don’t understand how lol x

Yeah it's definitely not a dream, we live on the patch and no one talks really. It's hard to create friendships when people are moving around or away alot. It's a massive lifestyle change I 100% get that. A childcare plan is something I have to submit with how much notice I need for events, for example if they need me to work weekends I need a weeks notice, for a 6 month deployment I need 3 months notice etc etc. We have to get ours signed off by the OC x

@Lauryn yeah honestly I literally hate it lolll especially because he’s part of a squadron so he literally has his mates just move with him( not that well move anywhere now) but previous they all just do the same stuff. Hes obviously sympathetic n stuff but equally he just won’t say he’ll leave. I mean he’s currently got a 6 year return of service once he’s qualified n still says he wants to do the full 20 years. I’ve literally said to him if I just split up with him then I could just move back home n actually find someone who has a normal job that isn’t making me depressed n he’s just not arsed about me even saying stuff like that or he just tells me to move back home n he’ll commute on weekends but that’s still all the same issues except I’ll be solo parenting 2 kids all week except the 48 hours a week he’ll be at home so hardly solved the issue just makes it worse hahaha man I feel so trapped

Its difficult, I don't think it's fair to tell him he needs to leave his job. But then that's just my opinion, I've worked really hard in the career and it's a job you should be proud your partner is doing. My husbands ex (have a child together) wouldn't move around with him yet called him a vacant father when he commented 5 hours back on weekends which also isn't fair. If you're already saying it would easier if you split and found someone else then maybe the relationship isn't working as well as it should be. X

@Lauryn yeah I am proud he’s doing the job but equally he couldn’t do it if I didn’t give up everything to support him. The thing is we are really good together n love each other n we have a lovely family life it’s just his job that puts the one and only strain on us if that makes sense ? It’s a hard one because like you say I shouldn’t ask him to leave him job but equally if it’s his job that’s cause home life stress then I feel like he should look at all the options because being in the navy isn’t the only one. Like I say he’s in for the next 6 years regardless but he’s not even willing to reassess things then which is frustrating x

I really understand your frustration, god knows I’ve been there myself over the years. Is it fair to say it’s less about the job and more about feeling his career is taking over your identity and choices a bit?

@Katie yes exactly!!! Like we both had our children but because his career is military and takes us away from family I then have to give up everything for his career ? Madness 🤣

I think that’s it! The sense of giving up everything. I wish I could offer a quick fix, we were in a similar position for a couple of years until I thankfully found a really sympathetic employer who appreciated he couldn’t be relied upon for childcare and it all improved from there. I’m sure you have, but have you looked at your options for going back to work that may make it more affordable? There may be some UC help with childcare, or at least tax free childcare that makes it possible, and am I right in thinking your youngest would qualify for 15 funded hours from September? I appreciate it may mean you’re probably not going to be doing the job you want to do, but it may help that overall feeling of having something for you outside of the restrictions his job places on you (I hope that makes sense!) I know there’s some flexibility with police staff jobs in terms of more 9-5 hours. What do you think you want to do long term?

@Katie I’d love to join the police tbf but with the shifts & lack of childcare outside of nursery/school hours it’s impossible. I’ve also looked into jobs to go back to in September but there’s nothing that gives set days in the week. Most are fully flexible, full time & sometimes even weekend work. I’ve applied to shops etc n gone to the interview n just been turned away cause they’d rather the fully flexible weekend worker which is fair enough but it’s just all impossible because I can’t rely on my partner for any childcare. We also don’t qualify for an UC because of his wages 🥴 honestly dead end after dead end haha

I’m going to throw out Probation as a suggestion, if they’re recruiting near you? They were really flexible and supportive, options in terms of general working hours, and offer depending on your caseload type a really good insight into police roles.

@Katie probation within the police ?

I really do appreciate how shit it feels though, it does feel completely impossible. It’s one of the reasons we’ve agreed he’ll be commuting and we’ll be staying put going forward x

Probation as in the national probation service 😊 I did integrated offender management for a while and spent most of my time with the police, it was definitely interesting! Just suggesting it as an option as there’s generally vacancies and could potentially be a good stepping stone towards police roles in the future when the kids are older, in less need of childcare etc.

What about a work from home job? My husband is in the army and I am on maternity leave at the moment, I work from home. Pop me a message and I can give you more details where I work. It's not the police though