My best friend is a bad mom

(Just to clarify- she’s not a terrible mom. Not neglectful or abusive. Just didn’t know how to title this) I’m struggling and so conflicted. I’ve known my best friend since childhood. We’re super close. She’s always been extremely supportive of everything I do. I trust her and love her. However, we are VERY different moms. We are similar ages but she became a mom at 21. I became a mom in my early 30’s. Our maturity levels, personality and life experience led us to parent extremely different. Her parenting style is wreckless, all over the place, no structure… and I’m basically the exact opposite. Her marriage is also toxic and volatile. (Domestic issues and fights). And her children are straight up WILD, rude, have no limits, destructive, and have varying issues (ADHD/Autism). At a party her oldest son (9) was eating markers and pouring paint all over himself at a craft table I had (mostly for a reaction). Every other kid was with a parent doing crafts together… she was drinking and wanted nothing to do with her kids the entire day. I had multiple guests tell me all the crazy things they saw them do. My son is a lot more laid back, happy and I guess easier? And I’ve basically been struggling with how to handle our children being together when we hang out. I don’t want my son to learn from what he sees. I’m also on edge every time her kids are around because I’m afraid they will break things or get hurt at my house. She usually just sits back while her kids go into the cabinets, hit the TV, play soccer inside the house). If she tells them no they scream and throw tantrums so she lets them. It stresses me out. Lately she’s been coming around without them and it’s been a lot easier to just hang out. But if they’re around I just don’t know what to do. I’ve tried talking to them, guiding them to play other games, giving them toys. It’s just a hot mess!!! I love my friend to death, but I don’t like her kids and how she parents them. I know she will get offended if I say anything. So I don’t know how to manage this.

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My kids are bad as hell. I’m a single mom and they don’t have their dads in their lives and my parents help me coparent (thank God for them) a lot. Makes me feel like a bad mom. But I’m trying my best with what I have. I have a lot of personal issues I’m still struggling with :( sounds like your friend is too, especially with the drinking. Maybe she needs therapy to help cope differently?

@Regina 😢 she does have a lot of issues. And she is in therapy. But I don’t think that’s enough. Would you be offended if someone try to help you with your kids? I don’t want to cross any boundaries and hurt her.

I wouldn’t be offended but I’m not her. She might. But you should say something but be gentle

My neighbors kids are the same way. Very unruly. There is no structure over there. We will be telling the kids about social caste and why you can't play with so and so because of their ways of life. No way in heck would I allow bad children to influence mine. It's just a recipe for disaster.

Wow, you're a great friend! This seems like a tough situation to be in. If it were mine, I might consider expressing the implication of her bad parenting more on a situational basis. Say for example, "I don't feel comfortable having the kids at my house this time because of safety concerns" (You may have other concerns as well that could stay un-voiced until the right moment), but this could invite her to ask, "why?" Instead of saying all the reasons about bad parenting, you could explain that their behavior could lead to accidents. It would be a passive way to admit you want to avoid the negative interactions your kids could have with her children, and hoping she would look inward at herself and see that her kids need more from her. If she's really not that selfless and would roll her eyes at you for being concerned for seemingly "no reason" or that "there's nothing wrong with my kids", then I would stand by the "I " statements and express that you're uncomfortable with it.

She can't judge you for things that make you uncomfortable. On the other hand, if it were my friend from my whole life who was more like a sister to me, I would flat out tell her I can't let my kids be around your kids, and show her why. Her family is her responsibility. Her kids are doing exactly what any kids would be doing in their situation. My heart goes out to her for that, but it's hard to have sympathy for someone who chooses themselves over their kids. Drinking is a mistake, discipline is hard, and God is still good, but it takes a mindset, model, and diligence to raise children to behave respectfully in life. Not having a man who supports structure is really a killer, moms need so much support, but it's all possible. Strong women raise strong kids. Best of luck in being that supportive friend for your friend! I encourage you to stand by your convictions for your own kids and the examples placed before them.

It’s hard to tell your friend their kids are the worst because of their lack of parenting. Maybe just have FaceTime hangouts with her for a majority of them. Catch up chatting when the kids are asleep

@Jo thanks so much! Passively mentioning things like safety concerns is a good idea. And you’re completely right, her family is her responsibility. I just feel guilty and wish I can do more to help her and her kids. It’s such a difficult situation to be in.

@Tara yeah we’ve been talking more on the phone. I think she’s been noticing that her kids are difficult to be around and we’ve been seeing each other less often and she’s been without them the last couple times. So I get the feeling she knows that her kids are problematic.

Honesty is the best policy. I’d just straight up tell her, I don’t mean to offend you and it comes from a good place but I feel uncomfortable with…. She might be offended at first just because some parents automatically jump on the defense if it has anything to do with their kids but at the end of the day if she’s a true friend she’d appreciate the courage it took for you to tell her it makes you feel uncomfortable. I wouldn’t want my son to be around that either. maybe she’s struggling x

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