Postnatal depression? Or normal?

My baby is 5 months old and I’m unsure if how I am feeling is normal or if it is something I should do something about? I have been feeling really low. I had a very stressful pregnancy and traumatic birth and I feel it has made me on edge about everything my baby does. I’m constantly worrying is she developing right or is there something wrong with her. She’s had terrible bottle aversion since 3 months old and it makes feeding times so stressful. I feel low mood all the time and I don’t have any energy. I get 6 hour stretches of sleep a night, sometimes 7 but still wake up absolutely exhausted. I have no energy to get up in the night when my baby cries and I feel so guilty. I should be the one to soothe her but it ends up being my husband as I can’t bring myself to get out of bed. I don’t have the energy to shower some days. I don’t wash my hair that often ( once a week at best and pre baby I did it every other day) I rarely get ready to look ‘ nice’ and it’s a chore when I have to. I hate going to meet people and when I do I instantly want it to be over so I can go home as I don’t want to mingle and pretend mum life is great when I’m hating it and feel miserable, I have really bad PP rage still. The other day I broke my kitchen cupboard slamming it in anger. I want to smash things all the time as I get to angry. When my baby doesn’t stop crying or doesn’t feed I get so emotional and it sends me over the edge. I feel awful and like the world’s worst mum and like my baby deserves better as all she wants is cuddles and love and when she cries I just get so triggered and angry. I love her more than anything and want nothing but the best for her but I can’t keep feeling this way everyday. Is this just motherhood? People tell me it gets better as they get older but I’m not experiencing this.

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I'm sorry to hear that you are having a tough time. There are parts of what you are experiencing that I think fall into the motherhood category with the hormonal changes etc, however it does sound like you are potentially depressed too. The lack of interest to do anything, lack of energy, lack of motivation to wash or make an effort etc sounds like depression. I think it would be worth trying to arrange an appointment with your GP just to talk through how you are feeling. They can then diagnose/ prescribed/ refer if necessary. I hope you feel better soon as this doesn't sound nice.

Parts of this are motherhood but it seems like your mood is really low and you’re not enjoying things you usually would. You don’t need to suffer and it doesn’t need to be like that. I’d really advise reaching out to your GP. We all have moments (I’ve experienced the post partum rage too — it’s nuts!!) but if you’re feeling bad more than you’re feeling good it’s probably a sign something might be off. So is having to ask the question you asked — usually the “am I bad enough to need help” answer is yes. I really hope you’re feeling better soon and can enjoy things a bit more. Motherhood is bloody hard!

I’ve also had traumatic pregnancy, birth, severe pp depression and ptsd and was referred directly to the perinatal mental health team. They are much faster than GPs and your local NHS Trust should have a department too. Feel free to message me and I can share more details, but basically they saved my life! You’re not a bad mother because you love your daughter and care about her so much, and you’re trying your best! Please be kind to yourself ❤️ There is help out there, so please reach out and get the support you deserve.

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