Guilt

my lo is 3 months now but i tried so hard to get him to latch in the beginning and i didn’t know there were options to go to a lactation consultant for help. I pumped for about a month but it’s definitely hard being on a newborn schedule and a pump schedule. We have now fully switched to formula and my milk has dried up and it was definitely bittersweet. I have heard that coconut water, body amor and things of the sort has helped boost supply! I definitely would just remind yourself that your doing an amazing job and fed is best!

@Lydia thank u for sharing. I truly find myself looking at deals for my LO's formula and feeling the guilt after. You're so right, fed is best at the end of the day. Will surely keep the coconut water in mind. Thanks again x

Honestly, the guilt over breast milk needs to end. We all want to do the best for our babies. We all want to give them the best start at life. And yes, breast milk has major benefits but when it's at the expense of a struggling mother's mental health, along with the guilt and shame when she struggles for reasons beyond her control, that is not okay. Feed your baby what they need to keep them healthy and happy, and don't look back if you have to make a compromise. A happy and healthy mommy is the best thing for any baby. 💕

Why do you say your milk wasn’t enough? I am saddened reading women write this, as we have survived as a species thanks to our milk. Combo feeding from the start ultimately causes you to lose your supply. I’m so sorry you weren’t given better guidance. It’s not your fault

@Casey I have heard a lot of people say this to me and it is very frustrating. I combi fed because I didn’t have enough milk. Baby was skinny, hungry, and not enough diapers. I consulted continually with an LC, pumped all the time, took pills, ate oats, cluster fed for hours etc etc. Please don’t tell people their supply is low because they didn’t have better guidance. If you don’t know someone’s story, they probably don’t need your shoulda coulda woulda. I’m not trying to be rude, I just wish all “Are you sure your supply is low?” folks could hear this.

See, this is exactly what I'm talking about. Everyone comes into a breastfeeding mom's story assuming they can solve all of their problems. I can't tell you how many nurses and consultants I spoke to who, after I explained my issues, would insist I try the same things over and over again with THEM because somehow THEY could fix it where others couldn't. Oh, your baby won't latch? I can fix that! Then five minutes later, I'm doing everything correctly, baby latches for a second or two but then starts screaming again because duh, my milk supply wasn't there. Well no shit. I already knew that and told you, you just wouldn't listen. Then they switch to "oh, just keep pumping and it will come." So I run myself dry and miss time with my baby because I'm attached to a pump 24/7. And no, I could not feed and pump at the same time because I have a belly and an overhang and large boobs that take up a lot of space and managing holding a baby and a pump at the same time is difficult.

We need to stop telling moms that "everyone can do it", and that their inability is a result of just not enough consultation or not trying hard enough, for long enough. Some women genuinely cannot breastfeed or cannot produce enough supply, or both. I know this about myself because my mother had the same supply issues I did. I know that I and my baby are happier when she is fed and thriving and growing. The narrative that everyone can puts the fault on the mother for failing, and that's not right.

Also? "We as a species" survived because it was common to have five or six or eight babies in one family. But individually, lots of babies died of starvation. Babies who couldn't breastfeed, if the family couldn't afford or find a wet nurse, did not "survive." They died. We as a species only survived because if you had 5 children it was likely at least 2 or 3 would make it to adulthood.

@Casey it is not "not wanting to pump." I pumped for 3 months. I got up every hour at night to pump, missing sleep even though my baby was sleeping through the night and I could have slept at the same time. Over Christmas, my family spent time with my baby and I sat upstairs pumping. I tried to latch my baby every chance I got, and she screamed. She had no tongue tie. I was latching her correctly. I let at least 7 lactation consultants squeeze my boob tissue until I was in tears of pain just to produce half a drop of colostrum or half an ounce of milk over a 35 minute session. I tried every feeding position. I tried pumping with her in the room. I did everything. I am also a food science graduate, I learned everything there was to know about breastfeeding as part of my university education, and it was beaten into my head how evil formula feeding was, which was why I cried for a month straight when I had no milk to give her and had to give up my breastfeeding for both of our health and sanity.

Don't tell me it's misinformation. I had all the education. I know all the tips, tricks, and benefits. I am not a failure for feeding my baby formula. I didn't "just need help." I had help. I had everything going for me. I refuse to be guilted for stopping, or told that I "just could have kept trying" and starving my baby and "it will eventually come." Because that's bullshit. Sometimes it just doesn't. We need to admit that so that moms can stop feeling shamed when they can't produce.

@Casey I forgot to mention we did have a lip tie release from a pediatric dentist at 6 weeks. Ultimately after everything, I just couldn’t get the supply up. There was no day of my baby’s life where I produced enough milk to keep her full. I know because I was there.

@Melissa I’m sorry you didn’t see donor milk as a viable option. In Canada this is a widely used option and as a donor myself I hear from other moms how beneficial it is over formula. No one said you were a failure. It’s quite clear you aren’t happy with how your journey went - which is why moms need info to make informed decisions. That may make you or others uncomfortable.

Oh yes! Donor milk is definitely a viable option, if you live in a city that has milk banks. We have a milk bank here in Red Deer where breastfeeding mothers can donate their milk - which is triaged with priority given to babies in the Red Deer Hospital NICU. If I'd had any milk supply at all I would have been happy to donate some, because Red Deer's pediatric ward staff are amazing. However, if you're actually looking for donor milk for YOURSELF in rural Alberta, I suppose you can try looking on Kijiji, I'm sure someone is selling their milk there. In Alberta, pasteurized donor milk is given priority to sick and fragile babies, preemies, babies exposed to cocaine or other drugs - but for the general public with an otherwise healthy baby, you are again told "just keep trying." And since it's given priority to sick babies, why would I take donor milk away from a sick child when my baby does perfectly well on formula?

I also don't see how donor milk can really be THAT much more beneficial than formula, to be completely honest. What are the actual benefits? Isn't breast milk supposed to be this magic, wonderful substance that morphs and changes to fit your baby's specific needs? How is your baby getting a specialized, unique profile of antibodies, proteins, and lipids? A breastfeeding mother produces more or less hindmilk in response to her baby's unique latch. How do you get that from a Donor? Donor milk is also screened and pasteurized. What does the pasteurization process do to it's nutrient content? Did you know that when you feed or pump at night, your body produces more melatonin to regulate baby's day-night cycle? How do you account for that, with pumped milk? Do you separate out the night supply? I doubt it. So ruling out all of those major benefits from breast milk, what makes donor milk sooooo much better than formula, which is designed to mimic breast milk as closely as possible, exactly?

@Melissa Human Milk 4 Human Babies Alberta on Facebook. You can get milk from local moms and pay for a blood test yourself. Donors are vetted in the community. Statistically it’s still safer than formula. Let’s end the stigma around donor milk 🤍

https://www.albertahealthservices.ca/news/Page12965.aspx "Located in the Johnstone Crossing Community Health Centre, 300 Jordan Parkway, the milk drop will serve as a site for approved breastfeeding mothers to drop off their milk, which is then sent to NorthernStar’s lab to be pasteurized and dispensed to sick babies in hospitals and communities across Canada." Yes, donor milk IS pasteurized in Canada. It has to be for safety purposes. And sorry, I don't feel comfortable buying milk from a random mom on a Facebook group. You're missing my entire point. Antibodies are specifically tailored for YOUR baby. Yes, a baby fed donor milk will still get some, but it is not tailored to THEIR genetic profile. You're getting milk tailored to someone else's genetic profile, which misses out on half the benefit of breast milk - that it changes in response to your, and your baby's unique composition and needs. (Continued, there is more)

@Casey Okay enough is enough just stop at the end of the day if a mom doesn’t want to breastfeed she doesnt have to. I feel like people fail to realize its 2024 not 1956. You do not HAVE to breastfeed by any means and i simply chose not to pump every 2 hours. i now have a HAPPY AND HEALTHY baby regardless if he was surviving off my breastmilk or if he is eating formula for every bottle. If you chose to breastfeed good for you. You chose to donate milk good for you. I personally am not giving my child donors milk not my cup of tea and its not your place to tell anyone if thats right or wrong. What works for you is great but do not push that onto other people. Your baby is your baby and other peoples baby are not yours! A fed baby is a happy and healthy baby and in my opinion the world has way bigger issues rather than if susies drinking breastmilk or not!

The links to childhood obesity, diabetes, etc are tenuous at best. The one major, statistically significant study that shows any correlation, did not account for differences in the mother's socioeconomic statuses or the fact that low income moms tend to have worse health outcomes anyway. Allergy correlations are closer linked to the mother's diet during pregnancy and breastfeeding - as long as you eat a variety of healthy foods while pregnant, and feed your child a variety of healthy foods on an appropriate timeline, you will probably be just fine. Feeding exclusive formula for 6 months has little effect compared to that. (I will also add that my baby DID get as much benefits from antibodies etc. that I could give her, with what I could, until I had to quit). And since donor milk IS pasteurized, yes, you are affecting the nutrient and lipid profile through super heating. It's also frozen, refrigerated, and there is a time delay from pumping to feeding during transport that can't be absolved.

I'm not saying donor milk is a bad thing. It's great. I looked into it and my hospital nurses and lactation consultants told me I should really just work to increase my own supply instead. Because oh, don't worry, it will come, right? I would like to pose another question for you: if EVERY healthy woman can create enough breast milk for their baby, why should donor milk even be an option? Every mom can make enough milk so why should she have to buy any at all? Unless you're telling me donor milk is an option because some women genuinely cannot produce enough. Which is my entire point in the first place - that not everyone can, therefore we need to stop placing the blames on moms who can't, by telling them they "just needed more consultation."

We made it as a species by sheer numbers. Maternal and infant mortality used to be insanely high, and a lot of that was because of babies who couldn't breastfeed. There were wet nurses, but they were mostly available for the rich, or anyone who could afford it. Most people didn't have access, and babies died. Formula is a miracle of itself in that way - it's not the best option, but it's an option we didn't always have. Women feeding formula by choice is not a bad thing, either. If it was a significant health risk, then with 70% of the population formula feeding, shouldn't we be seeing much worse health outcomes? The next time you're in a crowded room, look around and ask yourself if you can tell which of those adults were breast fed and which were formula fed. Is there a difference? Are the formula fed people always fatter, sicker, while the breastfeed babies are skinny, pretty, and healthy? I know plenty of breastfed babies who are sickly or underweight.

I'm not saying there are no benefits - there are. But the best benefit for any baby is a happy, healthy mother. If formula feeding is how you achieve that, then that's what you do - and no one should be shamed for that.

Does the UNICEF statistic not tell you something? You don't suppose that statistic may be related to, oh, say, countries where formula isn't available? That third world countries have high infant mortality rates because oh, gosh, maybe some mothers just CAN'T breastfeed. You're contradicting yourself by trying to say that it's extremely uncommon, and yet that death statistic says otherwise (and before formula, I guarantee it was a LOT higher). You're telling me that formula directly contributed to obesity and disease, but at the same time saying "well, you can't tell the difference except on a macular level." If you have to look that closely to see a difference, the outcomes can't be that statistically significant, especially when you take into consideration confounding factors like genetics and household income.

This isn't my personal bias - this is based on research I have done myself on the topic AFTER my personal experience with lactation consultants insisting that if I try the same tricks over and over again with THEM, or let THEM squeeze my boob and push my screaming child to latch when she wouldn't for me or anyone else, then my milk would come. You cannot insist that milk supply problems are "rare" if so many people are clearly having issues and having to resort to formula feed. I'm not here to argue the benefits of breast milk or insist one is better than the other. Formula is not the best alternative, but if it keeps baby fed and the mother happy, then it IS the best option for their family. Lactation consultants pushing moms to express and pump themselves dry, and to latch their screaming babies because they are desperate for even a drop of milk, is not the best health outcome for ANY family, regardless of breast milk's additional benefits. It's not worth the guilt and trauma on an already stressed mother.

@Melissa also I’m sorry that was your experience with lactation consultants - but that’s not the norm. A great LC supports you and guides you to troubleshoot the problem for the solution you’re wanting. Breastfeeding is a lot of hard work. Moms are told it’s easy. That has to change

Sorry, I don't get my statistics from instagram any more than I would feed my baby breast milk from Facebook randos. I read published papers from peer-reviewed journals. I would suggest doing some proper research, not spending time on instagram listening to what the breastfeeding mafia has to say. You are also showing your true colours and reiterating my point, because now you've moved on to shaming me for using formula because formula companies are evil and killing babies in third world countries. Are you kidding me? How is that good for any mom's mental health? Give me a break. Not that it's relevant to you, but I don't give my baby powdered formula because I'm well aware of the dangers of cronobacter, which can be perfectly and safely controlled through proper preparation. Most of the danger, as with any food preparation, comes from improper home preparation, which is unfortunate but that's why my baby gets ready mixed formula only, nothing that I have to mix or prepare.

Again, please try to reign in your shaming of moms who formula feed, especially those like this mom who are struggling with the guilt of having to quit. It is not good for her or anyone's health. Do what you have to for your baby, and let others do what they have to for theirs.

Lol, this isn't anger, it's frustration. By pushing this issue so hard you're illustrating exactly the problem with the whole breastfeeding narrative - that if for whatever reason, someone has to quit, they "could have done better." And then you go on about the evils of formula companies, so the mom feels additional shame for giving her baby something that is killing babies in third world countries. I'm actually very glad I have my own education and the ability to think critically, because if I didn't, I'd be back to bawling my eyes out, feeling like a failure because "everyone can breastfeed," so if I can't then I must be doing something wrong. I had all the information. I had the lactation consultants. I had the family support. I had the income and the ability to eat healthy. I would have gladly appreciated the option of donor milk, but all my consultants told me I wasn't in enough need. I'm not going to be guilted, but I feel for all the other moms who are. 💜

No, you just came in here telling @Marielou what she has probably already heard a thousand times. You can't assume you know everyone's story or history or that their problems are due to "lack of support." Even when you have all the support, sometimes it is just not viable, and moms should not be shamed if they make that choice, even if it's only for their peace of mind and mental health. That's my entire point. Cheers 🥂

@Casey it’s nice to give advice, but when you realize everyone has already heard the advice you are giving and is literally telling you their own lived experience, you can just listen and sympathize. Yes, we all agree it’s hard and people need more support. We can also agree that many women who want to breastfeed have tried everything and for some of them it doesn’t work. Not because the system has failed them (though so common, of course) but because some women can’t produce enough milk. Full stop. These women hate being told by strangers that they could have had more milk if they’d done something differently. Please take that in, from the mouths of these women themselves.

The fact you've gone and deleted all your other posts is telling, but sure, let's go. I'm going to be straight with you - there is a difference between being supportive and not knowing when enough is enough, and the breastfeeding narrative has gone way beyond that. It's reached the point where moms will desperately push themselves, through tears and frustration and struggle, because they are told that if they don't breastfeed, their baby is missing out on thousands of essential nutrients, a special kind of bonding, antibodies that will prevent illnesses, and that their kids will suffer from cognitive delays, chronic diseases, and obesity if they don't breastfeed, which is simply not true, at least not to the extent that it is made out to be. I am not saying they do this intentionally - but we all want to do the best for our children and moms will push themselves beyond their capacity for their children, and feel shamed when they can't. It needs to end. Babies can do fine on formula, and it is not evil.

At the end of the day, they do best with a mom who is healthy, happy, and engaged. Everyone wants to do the best for their child, and telling moms that "you could have done it with more support" tells them that they didn't try hard enough. That is shaming, no matter how much you want to justify it.

My mental health is fine, thanks. You are not just "sharing info" here, you are doing it in a way that tells these women they aren't doing enough, that they just don't have the right information or the right consultant, etc etc. please listen to what they are all telling you in this post - that sometimes people have to quit, and it does not make them failures. It does not mean you are stronger than them because you pushed through. It means they made the best choice for their families and their babies. Some women just cannot breastfeed, and may not have access to donor banks. That's the long and short of it. While support is nice, for some people no amount of support or consultation will change that.

That's fine. I suggest again going back and reading what the other women on this post have to say. You are giving advice with well meaning intentions, but lacking the self-awareness to realize that it creates a culture of shame around people who did not choose your option. Because YOU pushed through, YOU are stronger, so others should be able to as well, right? That's simply not true for everyone. For the record; I didn't only have terrible lactation consultants. Some of them were actually great, and exceptionally nice women. But like you, they came in with the assumption that I had not already heard their advice a thousand times over. Advice and support, in my case, did not help me at all. My problem came down to supply and the fact that my excess breast issue made feeding and latching difficult. These problems are not as rare as they are made out to be. Please be more conscientious when you give advice in the future, about how you give it. You're being incredibly condescending.

You've said you're leaving several times now and yet. Here you are. Still in denial. I get that you are stubbornly refusing to see the issue here, and I would be amused if it wasn't so sadly indicative of the problems inherent in the breast is best narrative. But thank you for proving my point anyway. Again. Cheers 🥂