Sending my lo to live with my family

Wow that’s a big decision, not one I am in but you have to do what’s best for you and your little one. Could your parents stay with you for a year or so? So you still see LO regularly but have the support to be able to finish school/get a job x

@Emma unfortunately as they still both work and have things a they are taking care of back home it's not doable and financially I think it would cost us (them way more) to visit than for me to fly home every 4/6 months until graduation ( if I get into uni for this September). I did honestly think about that. But I don't think it would work. Xx

@Sarah ✨ how did you manage or cope? Did you feel guilty whilst he was with them ? Xx

Just fyi if you study here in the UK you have free child care

I had a friend back in 2010 who wanted to finish university so she could have a good job for her and her boy. We flew to Kenya and came back just the 2 of us as she left him there with her parents so she could study. She ended up getting him back 1.5 years later and she was in a much better position financially and mentally, it was the best thing for her.

I understand you want to better yourself but why can’t you do that when your LO is living with you? Are you going to talk to your child everyday/visit your child or abandon them?

@Elizabeth omg what a coincidence I'm from there too.x

@Sarah ✨ will shoot you a dm x

@Louma really? At the job center when I asked what options there would be ( for child care) they said they didn't know..& they just asked me how I'd sustain myself if I went to uni. So I assumed there wouldn't be any sort of help or funding

I think you'd regret this...I'd rather barely scrape by than to be without my child for a year or more I think my children would feel completely abandoned and I'd miss far too much of their life

I know the situation from a child's point of view. My husband was raised by his grandparents in Hong Kong whilst his parents came to the UK for work. When they were in a better financial position they took him to the UK. He resented them well into adulthood, to him they were these strangers who took him away from the grandparents who were raising him and what felt like home to him. His parents unfortunately passed away very young and he now lives with a lot of remorse for what the relationship with his parents has turned into. Maybe others have different experiences, but other cases can be truly heartbreaking Personally, I have a 3 year old and he's not even been away from me for a night, our babies need us.

My brother and Sil did this and sent my nephew to Poland for 6 months. Seemed a bit strange as she took a year of maternity and had me and my mum do two days unpaid childcare when he came back. I don’t think she’s naturally maternal anyway. Apparently they did lots of zoom calls. Think my brother regretted it and I don’t think it helped with my nephews speech either.

@Angelee i mean my parents call me daily si I don't think communication would be an issue as for visits.. I think I'd go home each break ( like other International students ) or when my other siblings who study abroad visit home. He's so loved back home and has so may people who love him so I don't think he'd feel abandoned. But I Dont think mentally I could do it. I Dont have a great support system so idk how I'd cope. Plus towards the end of the year his dad and I are finalizing a divorce and idk how things will go so..the whole mix is looking really stressful

@Karen aw bless. Did they do that when your nephew was just born then?

@Emandoh aww bless him. Tbh we visited my family earlier this year and since we've been back my Little one has been telling me to take them back home.. 🌚 aka my parents home coz whilst we were there he really felt like my dad is his dad and my mum is his mum coz of all the things they did and how they bonded so well… so I think they'd be so upset coming back here if that was their home home.

It doesn’t matter how many people love him at your parents house, if you aren’t there supporting him/visiting/calling him being there then you’re considered a deadbeat parent. Idc what your excuse is, being better for your kid is great but I don’t understand why you can’t do that while having him live with you. That’s just my opinion.

@Angelee did I say I wouldn't call or visit ? And it's okay if you don't understand coz that's for me and my family to figure out. I've been the parent there and I'm still here.. and I've been doing it on my own for a few years now so I know I'm not a dead beat and far from it. So you can have your opinion and it's okay

You said you were going to leave your child with your parents for a year. Yeah you can visit and call which is what you should be doing anyways but you aren’t there. Cool, you’ve been doing it alone for a few years congrats, so have I and never once thought I’m gonna leave my kid for a year with other people because that’s your responsibility, not your parents. In my eyes, I see a deadbeat mom. I got my life together but I didn’t let someone else raise my child while I got my shit together. Just my opinion, if you don’t like it then don’t post without having strangers give you there unwanted feedback :)

@Angelee well that's good for you. Like I said you can have your opinion that's okay. I said I was considering it as I think that's what's best for us.. no where did I say oh yes definitely that's my plan I was looking for mums in a similar situation or had a to think about it or even had to consider it So yeah that's for your input I guess 👌🏾 And yes he's my responsibility and I'm fortunate enough to have family who would help me for a brief period so that we're both not struggling overseas if it came to that.

My cousins grew up in Ghana away from Their parents around loads of family, but the parents visited them often. They moved back to the uk for uni and have great relationships with parents etc and started their own families. I think you do know what’s best, you could even just have baby over there for term time and back for holidays, terms are about 10 months so I don’t know.. but I would also suggest checking if university has childcare advice. But also visit or contact Student Finance England to find out what support you could get while studying. You often get full maintenance loan (can be about £13K) and other childcare support if you’re studying full time undergrad with a young child.

Also https://www.gov.uk/help-with-childcare-costs/support-while-you-study

I got an auntie who works in Dubai and her daughter lives with her family. She visits regularly and calls home regularly. Provides everything for her little girl and that’s worked for her. She’s been abroad for 4 years now and is planning on having her little girl move to Dubai this year or next. I also have a friend who is in the us and his daughter is back home with her mum and mums family. He’s hoping to sort out a few things then have her visit regularly or move with her mum Every situation is different and almost everything we do has consequences. If this works best or would work best for your family do it. People will judge , you will feel guilty & you will miss your little one but you got to do what’s best for you and your family. No matter what anyone says or thinks you know best what you’re going through and your struggles. It’s easy for us to chip in and share what we think but we don’t know your situation or what you’ve been through So all the best.

@Becky thank you for that I'll have a look. I asked uc but they told me they wouldn't help as I wouldn't be able to work ( if I'm full time ) and asked me how I'd support myself But I will definitely contact student finances Is that maintenance loan like student loan that you can pay back later ?

@Ftm ❤️ thank you 🙏🏽 Will definitely have a think do what works for us. I had actually held off applying for my masters to see if I could find work and push uni forward but as it's looking trickyyy I thought why not do my masters then progress from there as I'd then be getting a job with my field as opposed to the random things I'm applying for now.

Sounds like a solid plan as some ibis do help their graduates find employment and you could always go to the employment hub at the uni once you do it. All the best with whatever you decide to do What’s your major btw ?

@Ftm ❤️ thank you 🙏🏽 Biochemistry 🥸

Unis*

That’s amazing! All the best girl

You can get 30 hrs free childcare from September can’t you use that? And during those hours finish your studies & have a part time job? Universal credit will top up your wages and you can get housing benefits x

@Allyssa Robbins (Lys) sending love ❤️ i can imagine it's not been easy

@Hayley I could look into it as I have till June to send my applications off. I'll call up tomorrow and ask my work coach again and see if she could look into it for me as initially I was told there's not much help if I do go to uni. ( from uc but that was if I go full time.. I'll inquire about part time and see if I can do it part time at the unis im after.. I noticed not all courses can be done part time) If i do uni in a different city would I need to contact their council or would it still be where I am now ? Xx

For your free childcare it would be the council your under for housing as far as I’m aware, tbh there is loads of help out there it’s just knowing what’s available as they don’t tend to just offer it you straight out, look into it more before you make such a big decision, I wish you luck & happiness x

I think it’s more common than we think, especially for people emigrating to a different country, parents would go first living kids back home with family while they find decent jobs and accommodation, organise a stable life in the new country (which can sometimes take a while) before to get the kids to join them I can’t imagine it being easy, but sometimes short terme sacrifices are necessary for long term benefits, if you think that this is necessary and will help you sort out a better life for yourself and your kid, just ignore the judgy “better parents” out there and do what you need to do As long as you make sure to always remind your boy of how much you love him, how this is temporary and things will be better, you will be ok ❤️

@Angelee There are so many ways to relate to others, so many models of family life, ways to navigate difficult times and so many ways to repair relationships. You have such little information and so many judgements. Find some imagination or bequiet?

Do what works best for you momma ☺️ but please make sure they will love and take care of that child .

How old is your child?

If you do this, be prepared for (a) your child to not want to return to your care or (b) your family to make a legal argument to retain your child in their care. You risk causing your child to develop significant attachment issues if you, as their primary carer, become suddenly largely absent.

Also, is this really just about Masters? Because plenty of people manage this around work and children…

@Luz ♥️ thank you. They adore him so I'm confident he'd be cared for well. ❤️ he loves my dad so much and they have such a beautiful bond🥺

@Jennifer well that's good for them I guess. Everyone's situation is different

@Nina ❤️ thank you ❤️ I've been in the uk for a couple of years now but since getting married, spitting up and being harassed by my ex.. it's really been me starting from zero and it's hectic trying to figure things out as a parent in a new place w/ a non existent support team. ❤️ In the event he does go home I'll make sure he knows he's loved ❤️ and him having to be with the family isn't any fault on his part but... me just trying to work things out for us ❤️

@Hayley thank you 🙏🏽 ❤️ I'll be sure to ask and see what they say. 😊

I’ve not been in this situation before but I remember back when I was applying for unis, a few of them had campus nurseries with discounted rates for children of students. There are also things like Parents’ Learning Allowance and the Childcare Grant. On the flip side, my Mum was raised by her grandma in Nigeria for a few years before she joined my grandma over here. She had an amazing relationship with both. I think it was more commonly done back then. Ultimately, you will know what’s best for you and your child. Good luck ❤️

Can't excuse it for childcare reasons... thousands of mums currently working, claiming childcare through uc or tax free and still making it happen. I try my best not to judge mums, but a year? Is such a long time. That baby is going to be so different and confused when you actually return. Sounds to me your trying to get out of it and return back to your old potential life without the stress of a child.

@BikerGirlR6 the thing is thousands of mums aren't me.. feel free to judge if that's what you choose to do.. but I'm weighing my options for what would work for myself and my little one. Childcare is an issue, I don't have a support System and financially things aren't looking good.. if you feel like you can't excuse that.. that's okay at the end of the day i need to weight my options to make sure my son is okay. I'm not sure what my " normal life is" as I don't think doing a masters is freedom.. or a chance to have fun. But thank you for your input

@Chi I'll look into grants at the uni.. and see if I'm eligible. I have about 3 unis in considering and I could ring up and see what options there are for mature students with families. Thanks you 😌

@Jennifer it's more than just the masters.. really coz I want to be able to move out of this city and do better else where. As I mentioned my ex was abusive at the moment moving is really impossible as it's not an option based on finances. Then there's the fact I don't have a support system.. if I'm able to get myself in order I don't necessarily have to live and work here.. it would open up opportunities and we'd be able to live comfortably where as now.. after bills and everything I don't have much and it's quite scary. Also I mentioned above later this year I'll be finalising a divorce I don't know how that will go( as we'd be discussing financial settlement and that sort of thing) mentally the back and forth has been crazy.. i dont know how going through all that alone, plus school , plus potentially a part time job will affect my ability to function and I don't want my lb to suffer coz mums not at her best.

You seem to refuse to consider all of the options. Firstly, you don’t even need a masters in order to secure well-paid employment. Secondly, you could do a masters part-time whilst working. No matter what you say, you are simply refusing to accept that a lot of people juggle all of the things you’re referring to. You’re unlikely to find much support on here because what you’re suggesting ultimately means placing your own needs above those of your child’s. Good luck.

@Jennifer not sure how you concluded " I'm refusing to consider all options" I am not from the uk so forgive me for not knowing what options are there, I didn't grow up here now have an immediate circle that can advice me hence I asked people to share their experience People have suggested things but as I posted on a Friday there's not much I can do till Monday .. coz offices are open then and I can call to make inquiries I really don't mind if people judge me as.. I'm trying to way my options and see what's there It's difficult living in a foreign country trying to figure everything alone.. and with a lot going on.. it makes 1000 times harder. Yes some people can juggle but some people can't ... so Again I need to weight my options and see what's best for us Thanks

"I'm not from the uk" mums here have said you would get help with childcare. Such as myself suggesting universal credit will pay up to 85% childcare as well as tax free. I don't even believe you have even looked into your options but instead have said "well I'll give my family my kid for the year so I can secure everything bla bla" which I 100% see your point. But there is literally mothers here with NO family support, still working their ballocks off and being able to achieve pay their childcare and have their babies at home. I genuinely feel like your playing devil's advocate, that child could be a completely different child when you want them back, confused if anything.. because suddenly your just going to uproot their routine. Selfish if you ask me.