Friend doing IVF doesn’t want to talk to me now that I’m pregnant

Yes, I've experienced this. In my opinion, her reaction is entirely understandable. Infertility takes a physical and psychological (and often a financial) toll on a person that it is impossible to fully understand if you've not experienced it. She probably feels that she needs to protect herself as it's the only way she can get through the day. She will be absolutely exhausted. I know it's tough, but try not to take it personally. It's not personal. She will come back when she's ready ❤️

Ive been in your shoes before with a friend like this. I think it’s completely fair for you to be hurt and want more out of a good friend, being pregnant is also a very special and vulnerable time where women often draw on support and encouragement from other women and to basically get ghosted like that is hurtful even though she communicated to you why. It’s just a hard situation because I don’t think it’s personal at all, she’s just in such a fragile place and I can only imagine how painful it would be to be close to pregnant people while going through infertility. I think it’s fair of her to distance herself from you but it’s also more than fair for you to be hurt by it and she has to also understand that her doing this may cause the loss of the friendship altogether because you have a right to be hurt about it just as she has a right to not talk to you.

I have never been in a similar situation but what I can say is as someone who has infertility issues it is difficult when others are pregnant. You pray and wish that you’d get pregnant yourself so seeing others pregnant can trigger negative emotions. I know it’s not easy but I’m sure she’s going through her own battles right now

You’re allowed to feel hurt, I think that’s normal. However the biggest thing ever is going on in her life (trying to conceive, and IVF can be super trekking especially if you need multiple transfers as I did), so I’d suggest you’ve just got to let her do her own thing for a while. She’s got to focus on herself for a while. IVF can, and usually is, all consuming. Plus often very expensive, so it usually feels super disheartening and unfair when people get pregnant naturally. She’ll probably come around when it does work xx

I’ve been in both positions and although you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong, I completely understand her reaction and I think it may be good for you to think about this as ‘it’s not about you’ sort of thing. She’s having a HARD time , it’s so so difficult hearing other people are pregnant when undergoing IVF, it’s so triggering and sent me spiralling into depression each time! Just give her space and wait for things to come around. It might not right itself until she’s pregnant and I think you just have to be okay with that. Sorry you’ve lost your friend for a while but what she’s dealing with is hell, trust me! Sending love though

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses and advice. I do know it’s not personal & Im probably a little extra sensitive myself right now with my own hormones raging. Hearing from her about the physical and emotional toll IVF takes I realize I’m not sure how I would handle being in a situation like that and do want to be totally understanding of her protecting her peace right now. Maybe my biggest worry deep down is that if the IVF sadly was never successful for her, if that means she would never be healed enough to want to be friends down the road too. But if that would be her choice, I have to accept that. Im choosing not to be offended anymore so thank you all again for your great advice

Hmm, this is a tricky one. I can see both sides but personally I feel as though I want to side more with you because despite the fact she’s going through a hard time of her own, that isn’t your fault and you shouldn’t have to tip toe around her. If she’s a close friend of course you’d want to share this wonderful news and I can understand somewhat that she might want some space but to not talk to you entirely I feel is a little disrespectful. My friend has a daughter and was going through IVF for her second when I was 6 weeks pregnant. I told her I was pregnant and she was super happy for me and cried and we’re still good friends (like sisters more than anything), but she did say one thing to me which made me feel bad, ‘I wouldn’t tell someone who was struggling to conceive that you’re pregnant’.. which made me feel like shit and bad for telling her, when really, it shouldn’t. I then spent most of my first trimester reluctant to sharing any news in case I upset her. X

Part2 - turns out, my friend had a successful round of IVF and is actually a week pregnant behind me. But I understand it doesn’t always work out that way but still, you have every right to be upset because it’s not your fault that you managed to get pregnant. So, I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. I hope she realises how it’s making you feel and comes back to you x

After my miscarriage I didn’t want to see or hear about anyone pregnancy. I was happy for them don’t get my wrong but why couldn’t I have my own ( at the time) why did I lose my baby

A bit different but I went through IVF to be a single mum by choice. And some of my friends who are single and without children were upset about it, I’ve lost one of the friends and the other our relationship isn’t the same. Fertility and the desire to be a parent are just so sensitive, we all know it having gone or going through it. I would agree to leave your friend be. In the meantime you need to focus on you and your baby because that is the most important thing right now for you. Through my pregnancy and motherhood I’ve got to see which of my relationships are lasting and which are not. I’ve found this sad and isolating but I do believe it will get better

Hey I want through IVF so I know how difficult it is finding out and hearing about people’s pregnancies. I also had a friend going through it at the same time and once I was pregnant we lost touch except when there was a group of us together. Please don’t take it personally as I know it can be so difficult to understand but your friend will probably just need her space to process things. Hopefully she will have a good outcome and come back to you in her own time. Try to surround yourself with friends who are excited for you and your baby to come.

As someone who is currently going through infertility, I have friends who I have had to limit my contact with. It’s nothing personal, just that the process takes such a toll that you can’t physically, mentally and emotionally function to even have the energy sometimes to check in with people. I went through a whole 2 months of my recent ivf cycle and came off WhatsApp and social media completely, so while she hasn’t replied back to you, please just maybe know that she could just be having a mental break from everyone and not just you. I personally feel like I struggle to make convo with my friends who all have kids now, you feel left behind and sad and I can guarantee that she is definitely happy for you, but just needs that space to not have to feel so triggered at a time when she is probably already in the trenches deep in ivf which is so emotionally taxing. She will reach out to you when she feels ready I’m sure, just don’t give up on her x

Infertility is an incredibly lonely journey, you already feel so alone during it and the last thing you want is people to give up on you. It’s destroyed a lot of my relationships which haven’t been intentional at all, we feel guilty all the time for not being there for other people but it really is such a tough journey that no one will ever understand until they’ve been through it. It’s not just something that lasts a few weeks while you do ivf either, it actually doesn’t stop until you get that positive test. I think as a friend all you can do is just give her space but just check in now and again if you can. She will appreciate it more than you know. I’ve had friends who message me but I don’t reply, but then still message me again to see if I’m okay and I really do appreciate those people so much. I understand your point of view that you would want her to check in with you too, but honestly infertility is no joke and it can be a full on depression for a lot of people..

There were a couple of 'friends' at work having fertility issues when I was pregnant with my first. I heard through a few people they found it hard hearing anything about my pregnancy and would walk out of the room if I came in. One of them unfollowed me on social media. As I had the other on social media I was so conscious of not upsetting them I hardly posted a thing about my pregnancy. Then when they got pregnant they posted everything and loved the chats in the office with everyone making a big thing about being pregnant. I completely understand their happiness but to be truthful I did feel a bit robbed of having to almost be shameful of mine.

That really sucks, I haven’t been through this personally but I’m friends with two individuals who were having this conversation with one another. The friend that had to distance herself did so because she loves our other friend, and doesn’t want to end up resenting her or the baby. She needed her space to process her emotions around her trauma, and our friend’s pregnancy. I’m sorry that it’s gone on for a long time, just respect her space. I just had both friends over yesterday, they’re as tight as they’ve ever been.

She will come back to you. Be the support and just wait it out. You are 100% in a happier place that her trust me so just be strong and just wait for her x

Yep, my best friend went through a tough miscarriage after trying for years and a few months later I got pregnant unplanned. It was rough at first, she was happy for me but sad for herself and just needed space which I totally understood, and it really wasn’t until a couple months ago (I’m 38w now) where she “came back” if that makes sense I think it’s totally normal for you to feel hurt but it’s also understandable why your IVF friend needs space for all the reasons above ^ she’ll come back to you when she’s ready! I can’t imagine how tough it is to go through IVF

I can’t imagine being this way. We tried for years with no joy and eventually succeeded through IVF (the process of which put me in intensive care for weeks with organ failure) and in those years I have celebrated every single baby with my friends and family, those babies could have been my only experience and I wanted to enjoy every moment with them. I can be be over the moon for you and sad for myself at the same time, both things can be true but even at my saddest those babies bring me nothing but joys still to this day. I get everyone has different reactions but I’m sad that she can’t see the joy xx

Sorry, but I don't see her side at all. I didn't go through IVF due to personal beliefs but it did take YEARS to be able fall pregnant successfully and in that time there's no way I could've felt any emotion but joy and happiness when someone told me they were pregnant. Her struggles shouldn't diminish the excitement of your pregnancy just because they're having a hard time, and I don't believe a true friend would act like this, it's very selfish imo and I'd be happy for them to be out of my life if that's what they've decided on. Friendship isn't a come and go when it suits you situation.

I lost 3 in a row and found it difficult to talk to other friends with babies. If I got a birthday text regardless of my struggles I'd of reacted to it. That's just rude if you ask me...

All these different perspectives are really helpful and eye opening. I’m very sorry to those of you also experiencing the hardships of infertility and from the bottom of my heart hope that you all get your healthy baby soon. Sending all my well wishes to you. I also appreciate those of you who shared you’ve been cut off similarly from friends in the same boat, as you saying it makes you feel guilty about your own pregnancy really resonates. I don’t think it’s right for them to steal your joy by doing things like blocking you on social media and then expecting you to be overjoyed for them when they finally conceive. Another persons pregnancy shouldn’t be a slap in the face to you if you’re struggling to conceive , and I think there’s maybe a balance that can be met of removing yourself from triggering situations if you’re hurting from infertility without harboring resentment or being outright cold to pregnant friends and colleagues.

It wasn't through ivf but my friend had a miscarriage 3 years before i fell pregnant and 2 abortions prior to the miscarriage. I told her I was pregnant and she was over the moon. Next thing I know its been 18 months and she hasn't reached out to me or responded to any of my messages. We finally get in contact and her excuse is that she was jealous. I did my whole pregnancy and 8 months pp without her in my life. We were best friends for almost 6 years. It hurts. I understand she was upset and a little jealous but thats not my fault. She had 2 chances to be a mother that she didn't take and then an unfortunate loss that I cannot blame her for. It's a tough situation to be in on both ends. I would just try and write a message to check she's doing okay and ask to meet up for lunch or something

Also just to add: Everyone’s ivf journey is completely different, one person who goes through ivf and gets success on their first round despite going through infertility for years will never be the same as someone else who has had multiple failed ivf rounds. I’ve personally had friends who have had success on their first round despite a difficult time, and they don’t understand the grief that I’ve experienced having gone through 3 egg retrievals, 6 medicated cycles, 5 failed transfers and a miscarriage. I no longer can connect with my friend who went through ivf and got success on her first go because she doesn’t understand the impact the repeated rounds of failure has had on me. Im no longer the same person I used to be, I’ve got nothing against her just that I can’t resonate with her anymore while still in the trenches. It really isn’t personal when ppl do this, she’s probably really struggling if she’s distant just know that. Infertility PTSD & depression is real.