MIL Struggles
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@Susan my husband has supported me in having them to come to our house more instead of them watching her. The problem is, my husband is oblivious to a lot of this. For example today, she asked if we wanted to come over for dinner and my husband told her we had projects we needed to get to and couldn’t. Then she immediately text me and told me she had tomorrow off and wanted to come over for a visit. My husband knows I have nothing going on tomorrow (I’m a SAHM so our schedule isn’t exactly packed at this point) so I couldn’t tell her know and then have her reach out to my husband and then have him ask me why not. I’m just so frustrated. I feel like I can’t make my own decisions around when my daughter sees them. And it’s not that I don’t want her to see them, I want her to have a relationship with them. But one that happens organically and isn’t forced. I’m so sick of it 😒
Ugh I get it! It can be so frustrating. It’s so uncomfortable to ask for space but it might be needed for you and your husband to set a firm boundary since no matter what you do she manipulates her way into it asking and prying to see your baby. At least that what it sounds like? Maybe approach her in love at first and be like “Hey we love you and we love that you love our daughter. We want to give you the opportunity to visit her frequently but when we are getting weekly texts from you requesting to see us it can feel a bit forced and can make it hard for us to schedule last minute. In order for us to eliminate you having to guess when you’ll see her next and give us more preparation over our family schedule throughout the month we would like to set 2-3 dates out of the month that you come spend time with us. We can set them at the beginning of every month and go from there. Then spread the dates however you want but hold that boundary with her.
Good excuses: play dates, dr appts, exercise classes, mothers group meet ups, etc
so might seem weird, but did you mil have only boys? if so it could be that instead of treating you like the daughter she never had, she’s doing that with your daughter since she still young and can be influenced more easily
@Bri not weird. My husband is the only child they had. Sometimes it feels like her actions come from a play of jealously. She never has anything nice to say about my FIL. Sometimes it feels like she wants to be just her, my husband and our daughter.
she probably always wanted a daughter and instead of having a mother- daughter relationship with you she’s trying to do that with your daughter. i had an aunt who couldn’t have kids and wasn’t around until a year before i had my oldest. she tried being the “mom” to my son even if i was around. i eventually went no contact with her since she wouldn’t listen to anything i said. try explaining to mil that you need time to get use to her wanting to be involved so much and that you would appreciate if she would allow some space and time for your daughter, husband, and yourself to develop more as a family. also set up specific days that she’s allowed to come over throughout the month and if she doesn’t go by those days then she’ll lose contact for the remainder of the month. itll help her realize you mean business and if she still doesn’t until after so long then youll might need to take away more then the remainder of the month
She doesn't have boundaries for you as the mother. Yes it all sounds weird. Like the other women said she may have always dreamed of having a girl, but she doesn't. You do. Laying down boundaries are uncomfortable for both parties, but extremely necessary. I would stretch visits to biweekly for now. You may have to be honest, and tell her that you have a weekly routine, and these are the days you're free( space them out biweekly). Talk to your husband a head of time and tell him you need space as a mother, and this is what you want to do. Tell him that he isn't to make plans, and he needs to say "you'll have to check with (whatever you name is.) She has her own schedule with the baby." This also lays down boundaries between your husband and his mother. Maybe you can also spend one on one time with her, like a girls day to build a relationship outside of your child. Sorry that was a long paragraph, but I felt triggered 😂 Good luck friend. Keep us posted!
We have had a similar issue. My counselor recommended a monthly or bi weekly family dinner to increase the time between visits and make sure that my husband was present when she came over to put out any fires she starts. When she sends the weekly “what are you up to this week?” I make things up about being busy and always finish with “looking forward to seeing you on the 28th for our dinner!” 😂 that usually send the message across that she needs to get used to increased time between visits and she will see us then not now. My husband has also communicated to her in the past privately about how I need my space and will reach out if I ever need help.