Hitting

My son is very clingy to me and sometimes takes a swat at me or other people if he needs space. I have taught him to say that he needs space and he sometimes says that! To be honest he rarely tries to hit me unless I have enforced a limit that he throws a tantrum for- putting him back in bed in the middle of the night saying its still night night time, or telling him his tv hour on Saturdays is over. However, he tends to hit other people like a few aunts and his grandmas and say “go away” when they are trying to do something for him and I am not around. I tell him hey! You hurt them! And then say calmly (as i can) that hands are not for hitting. I often provide some consequences that im good about following through on. For example- if we hit today we don’t get to sit on the couch (which he loves) or boys who hit do not get yummy treats. So if family is in town, we often ear dessert and he doesn’t get any. These strategies worked exceptionally for him not to hit friends or his baby brother. He doesn’t hit friends or his baby brother at all anymore. However, this doesn’t seem to help at all with these family members. Moreover, they are complaining that I should so more and that he is “getting away with it”. They complain that he doesn’t like them. 🙄The thing is I have noticed that if I react to him more strongly his is just amused and does it more. The way these family members see to react is that they say it makes them sad when he hits them and then defer to me for my own reaction/consequence. Worse sometimes they respond by asking him what he wants. For example- he only wants me to get him out of his carseat but I have asked my mom to. My son yells- no! Mama!!! I want mama get me out!” Then my mom says “please, is it ok that I get you out?” and looks to me for some back up. Which just puts the spotlight back on me and aggravates the situation. So he only does this with the people in our family who are asking him permission basically to play with him/help him and looking to me to be harsher. I do not believe in hitting. I also see that yelling/getting mad just entertains him. I feel like I have read so much and that I am doing everything right about his hitting and that this is developmentally appropriate and he is likely to outgrow it. I also feel that he only does this under these circumstances and but its these family member’s responsibility to take charge when they are in charge. I also think its absurd to feel unliked by your grandchild when they are so loving so long as I am not around as an option. Like who can compete with mom for a 2 year old? Do I have anything wrong? Should I be yelling or putting my kid in timeout? What should I be doing differently? Is it unreasonable to ask these few family members to take charge? They seem to think so… They have commented that they think this is me avoiding my job to educate him. My son is so well-behaved otherwise and so well behaved around people who take charge and show they are adults (and that i am not the only adult around). What would you all do/say differently? Maybe you have some creative ideas that I haven’t thought of.

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My oldest is kind of like that as well. He doesn’t hit his brother but most times it’s difficult for him to share with his brother. He would give him a toy and snatch it away as quickly as he gave it to him and he screams “no“ at him. Or when he wants space he doesn’t even like his little brother just sitting near him. But then there are times when he would get up and hug his brother just cause. I don’t really have a good solution. He’s in his terrible two stage where he cries and throws a fit over the smallest things and my mom tells me it’ll be okay it’s just a phase that babies go through. So right now I’m sort of just waiting it out lol

So I have 2 year old twins and then also a baby and this so sounds like my twins😂it’s totally normal and I think you’re handling it just fine. Just because you’re not handling it the way a different family member would doesn’t mean anything, this is as you said a normal phase he needs to go through and you have to do what you feel is best to help him through that. Something different works for every kid and you know him and what he needs better than anyone. Something I found that works or my twins is telling them that if they want to use their hands it’s only for hugs, knucks (knuckles) or high fives, they love doing all those things and mentioning them makes them stop hitting and want to do one of those instead😂they also laugh when we have a bigger reaction to their negative behaviors so when that gets out of control and we can’t redirect them from doing whatever it is we’ve started putting them in timeout and they’re learning that they don’t want that lol

So maybe there's something that those family members are doing behind closed doors that he doesn't like. My daughter is just now warming up to my sister because my sister would irritate the 💩 out of her. If my daughter said no hugs, my sister would chase her and swoop her up and kiss her all over, forcing it on her while she kicked and screamed and hitting, then get mad because she got hit. That got tiring so I put a stop to that. Or my daughter acts differently around my mother, she's a bit of a narc. I have actually had to separate our families in one house due to the sneaky and rude stuff going on (we live with a total of 9 people, some days 11!). I limit the amount of times I need help from them with my daughter and try to make it on my own the best I can. I say you deal with your son how you want, if he doesn't want love and affection, then he doesn't want it. Plain and simple. You can ask, if he says no, then no. What's so wrong with not wanting love and affection all the time anyways?

Even as an adult I want my space and can be touched out or I may be sensitive to certain touches, just like toddlers. He may also see how much everyone looks to you for discipline or a response and that may make him confused. My daughter is very similar. She even doesn't want Daddy most nights. It's all about momma unless I'm out the room and she acts nicer and is much more appropriate with her behavior. Weird but that's just how it is it seems. And that ok because that just means we as mothers have done a great job bonding with our children. Kids test those who seem weak in authority as well, keep that in mind. They should step up like you say, it'll take some time but everything should work out. I unfortunately have no creative ideas but I am open to some 😊

And just let your family know that if they don't step up he's not going to learn to respect them, and of course you can back them up occasionally

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