Relationship help where I’m the problem

I’ve realized that I’m the problem in my relationship. I feel like crap about it. I grew up in a house that to fix an issue you yell. Our family always fought to solve an issue. Cussing.. physical.. you know the typical toxic environment. This affected how I handled my anger and communication. When I’m upset or angry I use to shut off. Now I can’t even think before I speak and I just yell. I cuss. I say names I shouldn’t say like anything hurtful. Examples include your a dick your an asshole or lazy. I know I shouldn’t. It got worse once I had my baby my hormones went crazy and I just can’t handle anything now. I would never yell at my child at all it’s just my fiancé I have no patience with and my temper is gone through the roof. I feel awful. Last night I realized how wrong I am to get so mad and call him a dick and things like that all because he was to tired to go to Walmart for some reason it triggered me and I said it’s lazy he doesn’t want to. It then went to a big argument of he works all day and I got butt hurt and called him a dick. I just wanna fix how I am. I hate that I hurt him. I know that I do now. Please don’t bash me because I know how awful this is for me to say to him and do. Please give me advice on how I can fix myself. Thank you.

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Therapy & holding yourself accountable

@Rudy thing is therapy where I’m at is so expensive! And I wouldn’t ever have time as we have one car and he works all week.

You can do online therapy. There’s several different apps/sites you can vet. Some take insurance, some have financial help, some are meant to be low cost.

@courtney ill look into this! Thanks :)

Yeaa definitely understand that through my insurance I found virtual therapy because if I have to go to an office I would not go lol. If therapy is a no go I would recommend journaling, podcasts, self help books, you have to put in a lot of work it’s going to take daily effort in correcting yourself until you automatically stop the behavior. If you go to church and your pastor offers couples counseling free there’s that too to help at least

@Rudy pastors do that??? I did not know they did that! I’ll look into podcasts as well

Some do not all my church denomination is Baptist. Goodluck 💕

I have this amazing app that even let me get a year subscription for free after sharing what I was comfortable with for why I needed it. It's a CBT(Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) app called Unstuck and it's just journaling and little anxiety/depression score tests to help, it's not a full replacement for therapy but it really help look back at fights and also reflect on good things youve done and progress you've made. I have BPD so my emotional regulation has barely ever existed and my amygdala(thing that controls your emotions) is just physically smaller than all adults and is about the size of a six year old child's, so I've always had issues yelling, crying, throwing things, and years of specifically CBT and DBT are the only things that have improved how I control my emotions, I still will freak out and yell and cry, but now I can stop myself way sooner and sometimes even before it happens because I know I've been triggered and to walk away from the situation and calm mysel and now have healthy ways to cope

Unstuck: CBT Journal https://becomeunstuck.app for anyone that needs it

The fact that you can admit the problem and are trying to fix it is a big first step. I’d start by trying to do things to make up for it. But it has to be without getting anything in return. Help him clean up, make a nice meal you don’t normally, say nice things. And then have a conversation with him. Let him know that you realize that what you have been doing is wrong, let him know you’re open to hearing his feelings but you don’t want him to bash you as it’s still hard for you. Talking more about your feelings will help in those situations that you’re mad. Let him know you’re upset and if he’s willing to listen it should resolve itself.

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