Struggling with partner

My partner used to be like this at the start of our relationship and it was so so hard so sending so much love. He’s still not the most talkative but he has got much better as I repeatedly explained how unhealthy it was for our relationship not to talk through problems. I found it was better to let him come to me to start the discussion as the more I forced him to try and talk it out the more he pulled away. I’d start by explaining how unhealthy this dynamic is and how important it is especially with a little one to model healthy communication etc. I hope things get better for you x

My partner has adhd as is incredibly sensitive to criticism and also doesn’t communicate well at all. His solution to problems is to ignore them until he feels better, and if I bring up my issues with his behaviour, he reacts in anger and ices over because he feels attacked and rejected. I feel you. I think learning more about adhd has helped me be compassionate and talk to him when he is most approachable. I’ve learned to go to another trusted person in the moment (my sister) to vent, and she calms me down. Then I take the issue to him later once we’ve had some distance and cooled off. I find physical contact when we are having a difficult conversation helps, also using as little blame as possible. I talk about how I feel and not how he is the root of all my problems. I try to be objective and also mention where I am at fault. This might be a personal thing for my husband - but another very practical tip is just that I find he is much more communicative when we are either out …

.. for a walk or drive. So on the go where there is less intensity and he doesn’t have to stare me in the face. OR literally laying in the dark in our bedroom cuddling or something. Sometimes we lay on the floor - whatever works. It sounds strange, but I really have to support him through these conversations because his self-esteem is so low. He thinks every argument is the beginning of me telling him I don’t love him anymore and he’s useless - although it took me about 3 years to work that out because he just used to come across as angry and indifferent! I think I’d like to try counselling later in life as he still has a long way to go, but he has improved a lot over the years just to give you hope. Another weird one - but I’ve also found he is more communicative and responsive when our sex life is good 🫤 I think it’s because his needs are met and he feels generally loved and cared for, so when I bring my complaints to him, he can see it a bit more objectively…

Like - “oh she loves me and we’re good, she just has a problem with this behaviour.” It’s not the end of the world. So you could try looking at that? Otherwise I’d suggest doing courses and reading books together (relationship ones.) And working on yourself as much as possible in the hope that he will mirror your effort and put that work in himself too. Never attack in anger and approach discussions when you’ve already calmed down. Walking away is always better that going off and saying something you can’t take back. I don’t know. I’m still learning myself but I hope maybe SOME of that was helpful or relatable. Good luck xxx

@Naomi you've just perfectly described my husband... And he also has adhd