if your child is rude or hits you before bed, do you change the bedtime routine?

I think it depends on your parenting style. Perhaps if it happens again you could try giving him some space to calm down in a quiet space before talking to him about his behaviour. How complex that is depends on how old he is but ultimately aiming for him to understand why the behaviour is unacceptable and agree a different way for him to communicate with you that he doesn’t feel ready for bed. Then, there could be an agreement between you both for what happens/options for what he can do if he doesn’t feel ready for bed. It might let you validate his feelings but also help with the behaviour and a calmer bedtime for you both.

I would have done the same. Once he had calmed down I would explain why he’s not getting stories

Why do you let him be rude 'when he is mad' and throw his toys? What's the punishment for doing that?

No I wouldn’t punish. He’s expressing his feelings in the only way he knows how at the moment. I’d respond with ‘oh you really don’t want to go to bed huh, can you tell me why’. ‘I understand you don’t want to go to bed but what we’re not going to do is hit’ and then I would leave him to calm down, and tell him I’m here for him and ready to talk when he’s calm. Maybe bedtime will be a little later whilst you’re figuring out why he’s acting like this. So what ? I believe in validating my child’s feelings. I don’t believe your children should be scared of you what the actual hell is that. They’re children. They can’t regulate their emotions the way we can. And when we shout or ‘punish’ all we’re doing is teaching them to hide their feelings from us, that they’re wrong for having emotions, and that nothing about them matters to us. It’s our job to teach them emotional regulation and they learn that from watching how we deal with things like this

@Stephanie where did I say I let him be rude? … I said he’s been rude before but never hit me. If he’s rude the outcome would of been the same. Who’s out here letting their kids be rude to them?

@Honey some children don’t have a dad figure, they may have passed or the mother may be a single mother. I don’t really think dad’s roles are to scare tf out of a child either…

@Amelia did somebody say they should be scared of you and then delete it? Obviously kids shouldn’t be scared of you!!! I think I meant consequence rather than punish x

@Honey 1- he has a dad 2- his dad is way more lenient than I am anyway 3- a kid can be very happy and healthy even if they don’t have a dad:)

Just what Amelia said. 4 is still young and he can't manage all feelings and emotions. I wouldn't punish at all but take me out of the situation for some minutes so he have time to cool down. Then have a short talk about what happened and understand why he didn't want to go to sleep. Ex: I wouldn't sleep good if my partner was cold and clearly upset at me because I didn't clean the dishes (for example). I would feel bad, not be sleeping well. Much better having a lovely partner that gets to understand why I didn't clean the dishes and yet give me a kiss goodnight.

@Aurélie oh i definitely wasn’t cold to him! We had a cuddle and a kiss and I explained why there was no story. I’d never give him the silent treatment or be cold. I even say in his room while he fell asleep because he didn’t want to be on his own. The only difference was I took away story time x

@Stephanie still waiting to see why you think I let my child be rude or throw things? I said he HAS as he is a four year and most 4 year olds I know are also naughty sometimes. Iv never met a 4 year old that’s never been naughty before.

Oh yes of course. I wasn't saying you were. Sorry if I haven't been clear 😊. It was just in my example to show that we sleep better when we are confortable and feel love despite our flaws. I think reading story is part of how LO feels loved before sleep. What I meant was: he definitely didn't behave well. Yet he is very young and can't proceed emotions. I would take me out the situation at first and once he is calm going on with the routine and also have a short talk to understand why it happened and also help him understand anger emotions (there's very good books that talks about emotions for kids that age). So you can help him understand what was the feelings and also how to correct for and by himself the behavior. I hope it's more clear ? (Sorry English is not my mother language)

It’s not 1950’s to be punishing the kids and scare tf out of them 🤦🏻‍♀️🙄 A lot of toddlers and kids go through slapping/spanking stage, even during play, and to them it’s a way of expressing their feelings/emotions as they know no other way in that moment, so a lot of empathy, talking understanding their emotions and demonstrating better behaviours

I usually give a warning first, so if I say we do not hit and she does it again then I would probably put her straight in her cot and say goodnight. If she did it once and then acknowledged she was wrong then I would explain why it was wrong and then carry on with bedtime as normal

@Josie yeah my sons 4 so he 100% knows that violence is wrong. He did it to hurt me!

@Honey not sure where you got this idea. I grew up with a Dad (and a Mum). My Dad never ever scared us or hit us, or set a single punishment. The only thing we ever got from my Dad was 'I am disappointed'. My mum was the person we were afraid of. It is not a matter of the sex of the parent, but the parent's parenting style. My Mum was disciplinarian, not my Dad, and this was very normal in our house-hold. Kids, especially boys, who grow up in homes where 'wait until your father comes home' is a phrase often used grow up not knowing how to respect women or their mothers. They learn how to appease their mothers only.

@Honey no no. The mother protects the child from their own behaviour. The father doesn't protect the mother from the child. What is this nonsense. It's a kid - not someone invading your home.

@Honey my mother is 5' 3"... my father is 5' 11". It is because of this that fathers should never intimidate their children. What lesson is taught by that? 'If I am bigger than you I can do what I want'? What happens when the kid grows up? He thinks he can hurt people smaller than him?

@Honey your comments are honestly genuinely worrying. I really suggest you do some reading & researching into the psychology of children and how best to respond to children’s needs in order to raise healthy children who can deal with their emotions and feel safe and comfortable in the presence of their parents. A father’s role is absolutely not to scare his children in any way whatsoever and I’m really sorry for whoever taught you this was acceptable. I know in the community the parenting style your describing has been normal for years, but it’s our responsibility as parents to stop the cycle of generational trauma

@Honey my dad never raised a hand to me and never shouted at me, he ls an amazing and extremely gentle man. Neither me, or my three siblings have even an ounce of violence or aggression in our personalities now or when we were kids 🤷🏻‍♀️so it’s not necessary

@Amelia 🙌🏼 beautifully said

I don’t punish, he’s a kid and expressing his feelings the only way he knows. There will be a reason to why he lashed out, bad day, not enough connection, overstimulated, scared of something, worried, overtired, the list goes on. If this happens to me I would say “it’s okay to feel frustrated about going to bed, it’s not okay to hit me. Do you need some space or is there anything we can talk about?” I would offer connection and contact, give kid lots of hugs if they want them. It sounds like something else may be going on and he doesn’t know how to express it. Sometimes they just need a safe environment and the tears will come after a while, they just need to know they are still loved a lot of the time. I would still do books, and stay even longer to talk.

@Honey you only did not go too far with your mum because you respected your dad? That's terrible though, no? Shouldn't you respect both parents? What do you do if you have a son who ends up being much bigger than the dad, if you cannot make them respect the mum, and you taught them to only respect 'the big one' in the house? I don't think there is one right or wrong way to discipline children. For me, my Dad's method was so much more effective that my Mum's. She shouted and hit us, and punishments were severe. My Dad did the 'I am disappointed' just by asking why we did something. He just had to look sad. What works for one kid doesn't work for another, but I still think it's a dangerous situation to teach anyone size and ability to physically harm matters. We've all met the men and teenagers like that, they become bullies and scary people.

@Honey Scaring children into behaving is not teaching them right from wrong, it’s teaching them fear. I would never want my child to be scared of me or my partner. There is a lot of evidence to back it up, it can cause long term emotional damage. Kids hitting and lashing out is developmentally appropriate and we should be teaching them healthy ways to deal with that anger, not to scare them into suppressing it as it will come out in another way.

@Honey well if you're saying the Dad is bigger so scarier, why is he scarier unless he is going to physically hurt you? Why would a male be the disciplinarian unless it is physical?

@Honey Yeah that’s still an issue. That’s still scaring. “You will have a big problem from me” is a threat. It’s teaching them to stop something out of fear, not out of learning. It can cause trauma. And teaches them that if someone does something they don’t like it’s okay to threaten them.

@Honey but even that comment, it’s a threat ? It’s fear based discipline and it literally gets you nowhere as a good parent trying to raise healthy emotional tuned in children. You obviously don’t understand and acknowledge that children are little humans with their own emotions that need help from us to cope with them and teach them. Nobody has even said that you’d abuse your children 🤣, we’re trying to get across that making your children fear you or their dad really isn’t the way forward. Do you really think that physical daily abuse is the only way a child ends up with emotional trauma ? It’s really not. You’re the only one with black and white thinking.

@Honey Have a read of this. Fear based parenting is proven to cause developmental delays, damage parent child relationships, cause mental health issues, prevent learning from mistakes, lead to rebellion and so on. I couldn’t bare to think that my young child, whose brain is still developing and learning , was scared of me and my partner. https://psychcentral.com/blog/discipline-without-fear#what-it-is

@Honey Yeah we don’t do time out or removing of toys and never have done. We also don’t plan on it as again, it’s proven not to work.

my son is 3 and he does that to me all the time and he kicks me and throws things at me to its really hard to calm him down he doesn't listen to the word no I don't know what to do

me and my husband have trouble with him every day and night