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That's a great situation...for you but especially for him. You have a few options cause he is obviously leading you on. He is having his cake and eating it too. He actively tells people you're not his gf i.e. he doesn't want a relationship and it sounds like he doesn't intend to change that. Maybe you need to firmly DTR.
He told you what he wants. Believe him. He gets everything and you get stuck in limbo. He gets exclusivity from you, sex, the family dynamic and all. You on the other hand don't get the commitment. If you want more, you're gonna have to put your big girl panties on, become more independent and not move with them as he told you and his family that you aren't together. That likely is not gonna change unless he knows you'll leave.
@Shay thank you it’s extremely misleading because this morning he referred to hisself as my man. I think he wants the relationship but he’s too insecure to actually be in one. It’s hard because I cant move out as of now and I really need the help I have no other family. I want to put up boundaries but I’m not sure how
@Yvettet you’re so right ! he claims I’m everything he wants in a wife. I’m 25 and he’s 30. I agree it is too early to decided and we need more time to learn each other relationship wise. But I don’t want to give me all to not get the commitment I want.
@Emily yes ! He expressed to me a few nights ago that he has feeling for my son and he beginning to grow love for him and he wouldn’t do this for anyone else. I want to give it time but I’m worried he’ll waste it
Trauma plays a lot of parts because of the past he has with the mother of his child. He cared for her and she took advantage abandoned him with their child and a child she had from a previous relationship. He went through a similar situation with her but she left him for someone else and had other kids. He’s left to take care of the one he had with her and one that she had before he met her.
At the end of the day, despite all his excuses, if he wanted to, he would. Ignore what sweet nothings he tells you when y'all are alone. Listen to his outward actions and words to the public. He tells them y'all aren't together, so y'all aren't together. He's simply stringing you along while he figures it out cause he knows you need him and won't go anywhere. If he knew you would leave, he would have no choice, but to make it official or watch you walk away.
The trauma you're describing is what many men do to women. That is not to minimize that very harsh and difficult experience he's been through but it is not a reason to string someone along. He could very much communicate those experiences with you all he wants but if he's not healing from that or working on overcoming those experiences he'll continue his pattern. It's not your job to fix him and neither should you wait for him to decide to work on those challenges. You'll continue to be collateral damage because of his commitment issues/game he's playing.
Thank you I’ll take your advice
You only been living with him 3 months but how long you been knowing him!
@Cassie I’ve know him for about a year
After reading all the comments I think you should just go with them and make sure you are taking care of him as well as he is taking care of you in the ways that you are able and just let things happen on their own. Moving to a new city with him is a big step but what do you have to lose? People are making a big deal about the commitment thing but to me it sounds like he’s showing you commitment on every level he just don’t say the words but I like action better than words anyways. Don’t mess up your good thing girl.
@Yvette how exactly is he stringing her along? Because he hasn’t called her his girlfriend? He’s letter her sleep in his family home, in his bed, financially supporting her, caring for her son and letting her care for his, exclusively sleeping with her, introducing her to all his family and friends, and inviting her to move away with him. Sounds like he’s committed to me. Yall gonna have this girl homeless and a single mom again over a girlfriend title.
@Cassie I don't think it's just about the title. And if it is "over a girlfriend title" why not just add it, like you said he's doing everything else that a significant other would do. People have different understandings of what commitment means. From my perspective he's wanting to leave room "just in case". People can definitely make their own choices. She asked for input and that's my input. She can do what she would like with it. Ultimately, I don't know them personally, their full story or feelings, so my perspective probably/shouldn't hold a whole lot power on the decisions they make.
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We women are too emotional and not practical enough . He don’t want you to be his girlfriend fine , he is helping you and your son to get out of a very difficult situation ? Fine , just take what you have to take at least you get something positive out of this situation. I think when you will ignore him and treat him like a friend he is gonna want a relationship. Show him that you don’t care and that you doesn’t want a relationship with him either
@Cassie Cassie I absolutely agree with everything you said. I feel the same way. I don’t want to make it into a negative situation over the girlfriend title. I figured it’s not all about my feelings and what I want. He’s already giving me and my son what we need and want and we’re exclusive. He faithful without the relationship and even though having a commitment with him is the end goal for me , I would be a little worried to do it all so soon considering it’s only been 3 months and we’re still learning each other. He loves how I care for him and I do it based on the fact that he’s sacrificed so much for me. His space and his freedom so in return I do what I can to keep him happy. He’s honest and I can’t complain about anything. It just excites me because I don’t want to lose someone like this. It’s rare. I have high hopes but even if it doesn’t go there. I hope we still have our friendship.
My last 2 cents about this issue: If you stay and move with the fam, and you still don't have a title, just keep it in your mind that you all are not a family and not in a relationship. At the end of the day, he's voluntarily being exclusive to you now, but he can decide to change that later and there's nothing you can say about it because that's not your man.
He allows your son to call him dad but doesn’t want a relationship…? Either he’s lying or that’s just a liiiittle strange imo lol