No but really, is this normal?

Because it doesn’t feel like it. I’ll be cross posting to try and get the most feedback from mommas who may be going through this, so my apologies if you see it more than once. I’m now 38 + 4 weeks, and while I have been hormonal and emotional during my pregnancy— which *is* normal— my mood has absolutely plummeted about three days ago. Not much Can keep me happy, but I’ll smile here and there if I’m not devastated. So there’s still some happiness down there somewhere. But I mean, I’ve been emotional all day until about an hour ago. Upset, angry, but mostly feeling heart broken. I cried for about two hours. I have a couple of mental health diagnoses which surprisingly hasn’t really been a huge issue while pregnant, but NOW it’s like, are they rearing their ugly heads now? Or are these new hormones? Is this something that happens to all moms at the end of our journey? I read that this depression (or anxiety) that hits at the end, it can roll over into PPD. Is it inevitable like I believe it is and like some have said due to my past history? And it’s not crying over silly or irrational, like it has been prior to now (except for a couple instances). It’s crying or bawling about lack of support system, even my family. Even though they know my history, have had experiences with PPD and such. Is it odd for me to think, “moms who have gone through this understand how much it hurts, so wouldn’t they just ask ‘how are you? Are you doing okay?’” Or is that selfish? I also cry for fear of getting so lost in PPD I’ll have to go back to inpatient… for the 8th time. And then, the mom guilt would of course be there. The thought of having to explain to my child so early (you know, once she’d comprehend) about mental health, going to the hospital, things of that nature… I don’t wanna mess her up. I don’t want to pass anything down. I don’t want her to feel the same hurt I feel now and have felt so many times. And like, I feel like if/when I need to take care of myself majorly, the family in my life will be like “oh! I’ll take the baby!!” And just not care about me. Because, really, no one really is ever phased when I go to the hospital. Except of course my husband. He tries his best. I know what I’ll need to do, and I’m in the process of getting into a new therapist. My last therapist gave me the WORST experience I’ve had in decades since starting therapy. And I’ll be contacting my psychiatrist *immediately* after giving birth. I’m on an antidepressant now, but that’s all. So… is this whole ordeal normal?? 😔
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I have a clinical diagnosis similar to BP, and while I'm still taking meds, this sounds like how I was with my first. It's hormones and just reality dawning on you! 1. Make sure you have your team in place (psychiatrist, therapist, husband, friends, a mom group on here) that can check on you. 2. Meds will be hard to determine because of said hormones fluctuating after birth, so it might get worse but don't assume inpatient is the only route! 3. Be sure to talk to your nurses on the floor when you deliver about your worries, they can see your chart and dx so they will be happy to keep an eye out for behaviors that are concerning. You got this ♥️ you're not alone! Mental health is important for you and little baby.

I think Jen has some good advice. My child's pediatrician was always good about checking in with me after my first as well, since he saw me much more aftter birth than my own doctors did. This is my second pregnancy and I've been dealing with depression/anxiety and on and off medication for over a decade (and honestly think I probably could have benefited from treatment earlier). For my first pregnancy, I remember feeling kind of depressed in the early days as I struggled with the impending changes to my body, lower energy levels, nausea, etc. I just wasn't excited and kind of lost a lot of my motivation and enjoyment of things to a degree (thankfully not too severe). I remember being a little emotional towards the end feeling like it would never end, but I don't remember it being too bad. I also did fairly well post-partum which I believe the medication I was already on helped continue the status quo. If that makes you feel any better about the outlook post-baby.

@Jen I’m diagnosed with Bipolar 2 and BPD with a lot of anxiety (can you tell? 🙃) Well I’m glad to hear I’m not the only one. I don’t have many friends who would remember to check on me, I feel like. Hmm maybe I can find a group on here.. I’m the kind of person who will help others with *their* feelings and problems, but I’m like “oh no don’t worry about me!” When deep down that’s obviously not what I want. I dunno. It’s odd. That’s a good point about meds, and I didn’t even consider that. Inpatient isn’t the only route, you’re right— I’m a big catastrophic thinker. Did your nurses help you out in that aspect? I just don’t know what they could be within the two days or so I’ll be there. I dunno, I just always feel like people will only care about the baby and how she’s doing. 😖

@Jen Also, thank you for your thoughtful response 🖤

Sorry, didn't think I typed that much, but ran out of characters! For this pregnancy, I've been struggling a lot more since about the beginning of July. I actually did make a post about it the other day when I was up bawling for several hours after my husband and daughter went to sleep. I've been crying every day (except today, knock on wood) and feel very anxious about things out of my control, which then leads ro feeling hopeless, and even resentment towards my baby. Which of course then kicks in the mom guilt. Double that if any of this bubbles up when my older daughter is awake and I snap at her. It's not quite what you are going through, but I have been struggling more this time around, so just trying to say you aren't alone. Do your best to hang in there! Follow the advice of the above poster to do your best to prepare for during and after birth, but also don't believe that you are doomed PPD!

Gosh, sorry this is so long! One last thing. Even if you have to have some talks wirh your child about mental health earlier than you'd like, you will be showing them that it is important to take care of yourself and prioritize it! You will be modeling things that many of us were not and they'll know they can always trust you to understand any struggles they may have and not judge them if they ever need mental health support themselves. You're doing great by being proactive! I wish you the best your labor and post-partum recovery!

@Jessica nurses were definitely more concerned about me than the baby haha. Babies are easy! Moms are the ones who have their whole lives changed overnight. They always checked on how I was feeling and 99% of the time I was sleep deprived and crying because I couldn't get her to latch. I had my mom come to the hospital for support, she's my comfort person (outside my spouse) and that helped tremendously!

@Amber Thank you for letting me know I’m not alone! Even though I do hate that for you. I was up late reading various things online about basically how to prepare myself for brand new baby at home for the first week and month. One tip: “try to relax and go with the flow,” and I thought, well that sounds way too easier said than done! I’m hoping against all hopes to not be diagnosed with PPD, but I just have this feeling it’s gonna happen. Again, given my medical history, and my sister dealt with it too and she doesn’t have the same diagnoses as me. I’m so sorry it’s also effecting you and your older daughter, but I know it’s not something you can easily control. I also know you’re probably working on it. Mom guilt is really somethin’ and I don’t even has an earth side baby yet. We’re all doing the best we can! You included! I’m thankful you haven’t cried so far today. Progress ☺️

@Jessica Oof, I feel that about the "relax and go with the flow". The more I hear that, lately, or the more I hear, "It's out of your control, so don't stress about it." The more amped up and triggered I feel. Luckily most of my breakdowns have happened when my daughter isn't around, and usually being with her makes me feel better, so it hasn't been too bad so far, but thank you! I hope you are able to get some support and relief and that you will find yourself safe from PPD!

@Jen Oh wow, that’s great! That gives me some hope for sure. Awwe, I’m also glad you had your mom there with you as well.

@Amber Thanks so much 🖤

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