Misguided Husband

Salam ladies. My husband was born a Muslim, but I’m a revert. We’ve had a very rocky relationship honestly since the start. He’s was an addict and I wasn’t aware until well into the relationship. He got sober about a year and a half ago and things got better. However, he speaks so nasty to me still, has recently began throwing things at me, and caught our daughter in the crossfire of fighting twice now, not including how much verbal arguing she’s been exposed to in her short 7 months of life. We recently decided to focus on Islam more and let Allah guide our marriage. I sent him multiple articles online about his rights and mine and what our duties to one another are. I feel like I’ve been trying so hard this last week, and so has he but we fought so horribly last night I had to leave our home with our daughter after lying about needing to go driving to calm down, but in reality I needed to protect our child from that environment. I’m very conflicted on what to do because I’m really trying to live more for Allah and I know He hates divorce but my husband isn’t taking his role as my husband seriously in his treatment towards me. He violates nearly every single right I have all the time, even this past week. I also am actively miscarrying our second child so life is really tough right now. I don’t want to further my cycle of disappointment with Allah, but I also feel like I can’t keep living like this with my husband. He’s always blaming me and saying our marriage is great in his eyes but he’s also never happy with me. I know if my husband were to pass, I’d be going right to hell because he’s just genuinely never pleased with me no matter how hard I try. I’m also at the point of being nasty right back to him so I know I’m in the wrong as well. I don’t know what to do so I’m turning to the only group of women that will be able to guide me down a path that brings me closer to Allah. Any and all advice is welcome. Jazak Allah ladies

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Walaikumasalaam, I’m so sorry you’re going through this sis, it sounds so stressful and honestly a lot of us would probably have left much sooner in such an environment. At least to figure things out away from the toxic environment. One thing you mentioned about you going to hell because he’s never please with you. This is a misconception sis. If you’re trying your best and have good intentions, and the husband is still annoyed or not pleased, that’s on him. Hell is not made for people who are genuine and kind hearted and good intentioned. There are plenty of evil, corrupt, unkind people that deserve to be there. So please don’t take this hadith out of context as it’s jsut a way for women to be manipulated into having low self esteem and stick around and slog and beg to be loved. Islamic marriage is for 2 people to try their best, and if they are unable to bring out the best in each other, if they are abusing each other or not able to fulfil the others right,

…If they are causing harm to their children, then one needs to consider how this would impact their akhira

From what you said, you seem to be trying and he seems to be not only disregarding your efforts but consntslty disregarding your child’s safety and emotional well-being. Are you able to temporarily take some time apart? Perhaps get some Muslim marriage Councelling and put forward the changes you expect to see before you can continue to live with him? May Allah make it easy for you ameen x

Allah swt dislikes divorce but divorce is there for these types or reasons. Where the environment is toxic and does not benefit anyone especially the children. Allah swt would not have allowed divorce at all if he hated it. You know your situation better than anyone and in no way am i encouraging you both to divorce but if you know that you're both unhappy and have tried to resolve things then maybe divorce is the way forward. Praying allah swt makes things easier for you. As a pp suggested have you tried marriage councilling? Sometimes it can help to have a third person involved that specialises in these situations

@Sando I’ve really been considering leaving for good based on his lack of respect. I can see how much he’s changed since getting sober, but he fundamentally hates women I believe so it’s so hard getting even an ounce of respect from him. He yells at his parents as well, so I’ve been really trying to take that more seriously as well because that’s also something that severely bothers me. Last week he told me he was going to the Masjid to speak with an Imam about our marriage but he lied and never even went to the Masjid or spoke to an Imam. I requested the counseling through the Majid since all other attempts in therapy and counseling (5 in total) haven’t worked for us and he said yes but made no attempt to arrange it.

@Naila the environment is extremely toxic and we’ve attempted to fix it a lot but nothing has worked. Now trying to lead with Islam is nearly making it worse because he doesn’t agree with the Quran at all but pretends he does. Quotes what works for him but only that of which serves him and nothing else. Yesterday he shamed me for not being able to Pray Maghrib but again I’m in the middle of a miscarriage so I can’t and he knows that

I think all you can do is set it all up and hope he takes it seriously. End of the day your job is to just try and do what you can, and if he doesn’t reciprocate he at least won’t be able to put any blame on you. Though I find people who are opposed to divorce will always find a way to blame the other. Again, it doesn’t need to get to divorce. I’ve seen many couples on the brink of divorce, absolute hatred towards each other, and they’ve managed to pull it together and are much happier in their marriage. It does take dua and hope and tbh it does take there to be a god consciousness form both sides, to destroy the ego that keeps people in blame games. If you set it up and he still doesn’t attend, then Id say before an outright divorce give space, sometimes it’s a wake up call for men to know their wives are actually serious about leaving, and can live without them. He needs therapy for his anger (and seek forgiveness from parents too!), but overcoming his addiction seems promising

W salam, I'm very familiar been living with drug addicted. When someone is sober their body is craving without them realizing it, their behavior start to change, I had a sister who blame me for everything she was or still probably a drug user it was the same behavior as your husband, try to get him help asap.. I'm also a Reverted, my sister was getting so bad with her behavior that I had to leave the state and my career that I love. Now that I'm not living her town I'm few hours away she is bothering whoever she see outside that are my friends

@Sando I agree with you that I should take the responsibility of arranging everything and seeing if he attends or takes it seriously. He’s very strong on not wanting to divorce but continuously complains about me so it has me caught in a bad cycle of confusion. I’m currently at my mom’s house with our baby so I’m going to stay here for a while to keep the space. He overcame the addiction when I left him over it. He got to the point of alcohol and cocaine every 3 days and I really thought he just wasn’t going to make it home one night. That was so overwhelming I nearly blacked out that year of my life but he’s been completely sober and did it all in his own through Allah so maybe his faith is stronger than I think but it’s ultimately misguided when it comes to our marriage and hopefully going to the Imam will help for the sake of our child and marriage

@Maryam thank you for sharing that! Addiction is so hard to watch in the people you love dearly. I see him have cravings sometimes and it really brings him down but he stays strong, Alhamdulillah, and doesn’t give in. I am going to sign us up to speak with an Imam and hopefully that’ll help us move forward and help him stick to his sobriety journey. I will make Dua for your sister that she is able to recover. May Allah make it easy on her and you after your move